Christmas 2010

This was the best Christmas ever. Midnight Mass was so beautiful. . the sermon made me feel like a kid again. The singing sounded like angels and it made me cry a little. I got cool stuff from my relatives and my parents actually gave me some things this year. I gave people stuff too. . I made CDs for people and gave my sis/bro gift cards. I'm at my sister's in Boston for the week. . we left a 1 in the morning from NY and got here at 5:30 this morning. . crazy!!

2011's gonna be a good year, and I mean it this time. . haha. In six months Ima graduate and move on with my life and I'm so ready and real excited. I made it. I really made it. I'll be free.

Baby, I can't wait till the Christmas where you can fall asleep in my arms. We'll be so warm and life will be beautiful every day. We'll go for bike rides under the stars and dance in parking lots and kiss in the rain and travel the world and make a difference and make people happy. We're gonna follow our dreams and we'll always be strong. We'll learn so much from each other. I will always, always love you and you'll always be beautiful to me.

God, when I was kneeling, praying to you last night and listening to the angels I finally realized what Christmas is about. It's about your love for us, and our love for you and each other. Thank you for dying for me, and thank you for making me beautiful and thank you for making the world beautiful. Thank you for my clothes and for food today and for me being warm right now and for my faith and for my brother and sister and my friends. Thank you for shining light into my life, in that moment. Please don't ever let me forget what I learned. I know even if I never find my soulmate in this life I'll do all the things I promised I would do and I'll make things even better and I'll love the world and I'll love you. I'm never gonna give up on that love, or on the good. Thank you for making me strong, and for this life, and whatever else I'll end up learning from it. Thank you for people and for love. Please let there be peace, and no evil. Maybe that's why we're here. . . to give the good and the peace, and fight the evil. I'm never gonna stop fighting for you, and giving the love that's real.

Merry Christmas!

September 23

I really want you baby girl. I love you. . do me a favor and don't ever forget it. . ok? ok.

Close your eyes. Think about me. Remember me. Find me.

September 15

Dear Love of my Life,

So I'm thinkin about you. . . yet again :) I talk about you so much. . you're so popular! haha. Even though I realized that I have so much to live for besides what we're gonna have, and that I'm worth so much and I'm gonna do so many great things - we're gonna do so many great things - even though I realized all that, I still think about you sometimes. And, I think that's okay. I know you're not gonna be perfect, and I don't want you to be. You're gonna be my non-perfect angel and hopefully I'll be half the guy of your dreams. But we'll be together. And I'll love you so much and we're gonna make so many awesome things happen. I still fall asleep sometimes pretending we're holding each other. . I need you sooo much haha. You're worth so much too. We're both gonna be so free. You're so beautiful to me, and to everyone. Sometimes I think about what you'll look like. . what kinda eyes you'll have and what your smile will be like. . and what it'll be like when the sun hits your hair. Screw non-perfect. . you'll be my angel and I'll be half the guy of your dreams. Haha. I'll always be there for you, about anything. We'll see the world. . then go back and see it again. As many times as you want. I wanna fall asleep in your arms so bad. So close, so warm. But only after you check our closet for monsters and you tuck me in :). I wanna hold you for days. Just lay in bed and hold you. I love you. i have to go. xo

September

I'm really lovesick right now.

Wanna be held. Want to feel what it's like.

Tired of this feeling but it never goes away.

One day I'll be able to make it go away.

September 4th

I haven't written in here in a while. Right now it's 1:30 in the morning. . I'm at a neighbors house watchin her dogs while she's away. . I'm sleeping here for the weekend.

School started on tuesday. It was cool to see my friends again and being back in civilization helped me so much. I saw shell and hunter (my two best friends) and got to hug them 5 million times. . that's our thing. . we always hug each other. . shell giggles and hunter's like two heads shorter than me so I have to like bend down when I hug her. . lol she's cute. I got good teachers too. I think marketing's my favorite class cause i dont think we'll do shit in that class. . plus the teach likes me. . haha. My friend Kai totally made a bad impression on her. . he's always late and he messes with the projector and makes like birds and shit during class . . it pisses her off. . sucks for him that she's gonna hate him for the rest of the year, but at the same time he's hilarious.

Thursday my "mother" got surgery. . . a DNC and two herneas, which she blames on her "children" because of her c-sections over 16 years ago. She keeps having to get DNC's because this tissue won't stop growing. It's precancerous. . . whatever. Don't even have anything to say about her anymore, really. . she's kinda hopeless.

So my brother TJ came up for a couple days cause she had surgery he wanted to be there to help around the house. I've been negotiating with my dad about getting my license and car insurance, but as usual, he's wasting his life away also. Keeps saying about how someone could sue him for millions and take his house away. Meanwhile he's making me pay through the nose for insurance from my "bank account" which I still haven't seen. Then he talks about how we're in a recession and "people are getting desperate" and there are "burglaries". . . we live in a small town and his house is 8 miles from the town in the middle of a forest. fuckin worrying his life away. . but whatever. he's just really twisted.

So I was getting stressed out about how I was going to pay for insurance and where the money's even coming from and how I can keep paying expenses and how I can go to college and how I can distance myself from them and I was gettin depressed about all I missed out on growing up and if I'll be okay. Sometimes I get so scared cause there are so many unknowns. I wish someone would just come up to me and tell me for sure, everything'll be okay. Promise me. TJ and I were outside and I was talkin to him about how I was scared. . he was washing his car. . and then a rainbow came out of nowhere. TJ thinks it was God tellin me I'd be okay. I don't know, but it was beautiful. Guess miracles can happen anywhere. Then I came here and I watched Titanic. . I haven't seen it in years. Makes me cry every time. . haha. Guess I'm just a sucker for happy endings and beauty and love. Then I thought of my soulmate. Lying my head on her chest. . her fingers running through my hair and her hand going along my side. . kissing her. . putting my hand on hers and sliding my fingers through hers. . holding her hand. Being my baby. . me being her love. She always makes me feel better.

Love you honey
Love you world.

Pray. Soon <3

July 17th

Wow. . it's been a while, huh. I almost feel like a stranger to my own blog. . haha.

I guess I'll start in June. I visited my brother tony for a few weeks. . it was better than being here. He has a/c and soap and xbox and a little balcony where I could watch the stars and try to find peace. He's still insecure and still looking for a new girlfriend and still has next to no friends, and still isn't taking mine or Jen (sister)'s advice to be outgoing and meet people and do fun things. He's still obsessed with his car even though he doesn't know what a timing belt is, and he's still obsessed with locking everything and being in his own little world and yelling at me when I go outside at night to lay on the grass outside his apartment cause he thinks gangsters are gonna attack me. Then I had to be at my parents house for a while, then I just got back from spending a week with Jenny in Boston. . so much more stuff to do and a lot more exciting, although she can be really blonde and it's hard to tell what she's feeling and I don't think she ever really knows what she wants. . but who does? She's a really awesome person, but I think she's so numb she never truly feels anything and her feelings are locked up in a vault deep down. She's super impatient and can get super pissed over nothing. But other than that, she's cool. And don't get me wrong. . I'm not perfect either. I'm probably going a little bit insane but Im not letting go. And I'm too sensitive and I cant ever figure out what Im lookin for either.

Anyway. . after years of bullshit with my dad who wants me to be his little lawyer son, I finally got contacts and put them in so now Im wearing em every day. It's just a little piece of the future. Soon I'll be out of the "crappy phase" where I have to have my teeth fixed and make my glasses go away and my skin not break out as much even though it's always greasy cause of the heat. Once I'm fully outta the crappy phase then I'll be completely happy. . haha.

Other than that, I'm just working for whoever the hell I can who'll give me money. For the next couple weeks I'll be working two or three jobs a day for different neighbors, and money's definitely comin in, so that's looking up at least.

I had started working out again while I was at tony's because I didn't have to be a secret agent to wash my clothes and keep cool, but then I stopped when I got back to connecticut because I realized that while I"m dealing with this lifestyle there's no way in hell I can run and lift in 90 degree weather with no a/c and no way to keep clean which I'm already having a tough time with as it is - it wouldn't be physically safe. So that pissed me off, but I guess there's always college to work out.

I still need her. I don't think about her as much but I know she's always in the back of my mind. Just longing. . to reach the clear skies that seem to get farther and farther away every day. I don't even know what I need. . maybe a girl isn't the answer. Maybe love isn't the answer because Im keeling over from knots in my sides from chasing it, but never catching it. I don't know. But I will in time. For now, I have to sleep.

Promise.

New Beginnings

So, I'm done with school. . finished on Friday. Parents were on a cruise that they got as a gift for "dad"'s retirement. Did a ton of laundry, messed around with their brand new car, stuffed my face, dogsat, cleaned up a little. . . mostly just was happy not to have to deal with school anymore. Bro was there for the weekend, then he took me back to his place and I'm stayin here for a couple weeks. It's such a nice feeling to be done with school, to have so much free time. I'm gonna be a senior soon and I have some things to figure out but Im gonna take things step by step as always. I'm gonna start my book this summer, start working out again, try to write in my blog more, try to make money, and try to make life better for myself however I can. I have to look at colleges. . once I know where I'm going a huge load of stress'll be off my shoulders because I'll know that I'll have a place to go to have a fresh start. Yeah, maybe I'll totally go crazy against my parents once I'm gone and never come back, but there's always student loans, so no matter whether I win the game or not, I'll be safe. I know I could get into tons of good colleges because I have good marks and I'm smart and good SAT scores and whatever extracurriculars I could get in that didn't involve a ton of him picking me up from school since I'm not worth the gas. . but just. . I need to know where I'm going, and once I do I'll feel a hell of a lot better.

Sorry to the people who emailed me/replied to my emails who want to help. . I'll email you in the next few days. Right now I'm tryna get my stuff together and reassess my goals and what I wanna do short term. But thank you all for your help and support.

For now, I'm going to keep working, keep figuring out what I wanna do and where I'm going and who I am, and I'll keep you all updated.

Peace

6/9/10

Only two days of school left. Four finals. Should prolly start studying. . haha

So, I went through some of their shit lookin for a wallet they took and I found a whole cabinet of hate letters to my sister. . how they told her how terrible of a person she is. I put them back as soon as I found the boxes of letters but as soon as they leave Imma take em all out and go through them all. Maybe I'll even find my old diary in there or other shit they stole. Can't wait to start my book!! After I get a couple days straight of sleep. . lol.

I also realized I'm so glad this blog and everything else I'm doing is anonymous. I mean, it's anything but anonymous. . I'm pourin my whole life out here. . but it's just like, I'm glad to get stuff out but I'm also glad that I still can start fresh once I leave. . forget about this blog and everything I wrote and all of this shit.

I'm gonna be okay. . hangin out at my brother's in PA for a week or two starting this weekend. . so hopefully that'll help me get my head on straight. . again.

6/6/10

Love you too, Scarlette Marie Day with Ice white eyes, black hair, and pale skin. . if you're real

6/6/10

It's so funny how they think they have control over me. . soooo funny!!! Just knowing how bad I'm gonna fuck them over when I leave is payback enough. . how she's gonna get even more depressed than she already is, if that's possible. She'll get so angry and end up killing herself. . works for me. I'll be in cali!! I just have to keep playing their little game. . making the cogs of their twisted clockwork turn. . just keep putting water in the icemaker. Thinking about it, this is kind of like having someone pressing a gun to your head for years. After a while, everything's so cool, and calm, and you're floating. But that day when I leave. . that beautiful, beautiful day. . I'm just gonna drive away. When I know I have enough money to survive, at that moment, I'm leaving. Leaving all the evil behind me, going out on my own to find the things that are beautiful. I am so gone. And, I'm winning right now. Because right now, minutes are going by. Gone. Over. And no matter what the fuck they do, they can't control time. That's the beautiful thing about it. Time is free.

5/31/10

I'm tired of being miserable. I don't feel mentally well at all. I'm worrying and taking things too seriously. I feel disgusting and I'm tired of that too. I want to fast forward to where I can be happy, because I know. . I know. That when I'm free I'll be happy. I'll get therapy. I'll have a job. I won't be miserable anymore. Things won't be fucked up anymore. I just. . need that. So bad. I'll look back on everything I'm writing and it'll just sound like a crazy person because every time I write in this blog it's to let something out that I'm holding in, that I can't hold in anymore. And I could totally just delete this blog and forget about everything that's happening and make it go away.

5/29/10

When you think it's all over, look up at the stars.
Then look me in the eye and try to tell me
That everything you have,
Everything you're living for,
Is broken and gone.
Every star has a story
Every story a soul
Every soul a purpose
And every purpose a new adventure.

I'm holding on for all the nights we'll spend under the stars, love.
I'm holding on for myself, and my friends, and love, and dreams.
I'm holding on for sanity
And for new beginnings.

5/27/10

Don't have that much to say right now except that I got an award for being a leader and gettin good grades at awards night, and I got voted pres. of SADD (students against destructive decisions) today which was pretty cool.

Also, today I realized that life is a game. You, God, and Satan are the main players. The object is to keep the game going (even though life is much more than a game, but you get what im sayin). God is always giving you opportunities to do good things and satan's trying to get you to do bad things. Then everyone around you is kinda neutral, but they're in the game with you. Your only tools are virtues, like love, courage, passion, hope, and integrity - and your hands. You keep the game going and win by using your tools to do good, add more people to the game, and help people who are struggling. You lose by taking the opportunities to do seriously bad things. Once you lose, you're gone for good. Once the game's over for good, the ones who are still left. . something inconceivably good happens to them.

Home

I spent today helping a neighbor down the street. She's the one with the husband who had the brain tumor who I wanted people to pray for. He got some of his hearing back, so the praying helped. .thanks.

Anyway, I spent the day with her doing mulch stuff outside and just talking about everything. . mostly both of our insane parents. I've known her for a couple months, and we've gotten pretty close. She's my new replacement mom (first it was my sister, then my other neighbor). But Evelyn's different. She understands. And she's young and fun and so nice and she said she loves me and she'd adopt me in a heartbeat if she could help me through college. And. . for the first time in my life, I love her. I feel like she's an older version of me, except she's a girl. Both our parents are a lot alike. . maybe that's why we turned out so much alike. But I love her. . and I also feel like I have a little sister now. . her daughter kim. I used to babysit for her, but now it's more than that. . we wrestle on the floor and we put random shit in each others drinks to piss each other off and I drag her by her feet and she throws blankets on me so I cant see then tackles me and hugs me and I help her with her homework. haha. . doesn't get much more real than that. And I think I met them for a reason and I'm going to have them forever. Least I hope I do. I don't think I could pull myself through gettin abandoned again. I'm tired of fighting that battle and I'd rather close my eyes and let my mind shatter than use another bungee cord.

My grandma that my dad disowned 15 years ago's in the hospital with heart problems. Amazingly my parents went to see her today after not talking to her all those years. . . I guess because he wanted to see her before she died. Parents came back and said she looked fine. . maybe when she dies it'll change the way my dad looks at life. Probably not, though. . don't think anything can, except if my "mother" died. I'm not that sad because I never really knew the woman. I resent that, but it's the truth. I have a feeling, though, that when she goes, she'll go with love, and majesty, because I think that's the way she is in real life. And Im prayin that the pearly gates'll open for her.

I wish I could fall into the sky and live on the clouds, in a different world. But hell, maybe that's what heaven is. I dont really know.

Baby, if you're out there, I love you. I wish you were here. Just wanna hold you for one night.

5/21/10

One of the things I know I'll always remember from this part of my life is the summer nights on my bike, at dusk, chasing the moon. I look up at the stars and close my eyes and tilt my head back and it's like heaven rolling over my face and into my hair. . putting some light back into my eyes. The stars and the sky are some of the only things that help me through the chaos, because I know they're there, and I know they're real. They're pure, raw, and beautiful, and they're solid things, but they're alive. I was born under this sky and that's where I'm gonna be buried. . gonna find love, maybe have kids. I'm gonna leave my sunny days and blue skies behind when I go.

And i could tell the sky all my secrets. All the chains I could throw into the night air, and they're gone. I could throw away all the facades when I'm under the open sky.

Things are still twisted, but some things are lookin up. I'm starting to get more opportunities, but also more obstacles. I'm still going to keep pretending. . I'm so close to not pretending ever again. I have to stay strong and remember who I am. I know I'll be safe, and when it's all said and done, I want to be a good person. I want to not be scared. Know that Im free. Fit in and have closer friends. Even the sky has clouds. But I know that I'll be okay. I have a good heart and I know how to have real fun and let myself go.

Just wanna say - to any of you who have been following this blog, thank you, and god bless for staying by my side even though my life (and blog) are a mess sometimes.

have a good weekend

It's been so long

I'm sorry this blog is so depressing. . haha. But I'm going to be honest, as always.

Just now I let my dad know I got a job mowing the neighbor's lawn. He started getting pissed because of the "wear and tear on the tractor" and "when it dies he's going to have to replace the parts". Right now I'm fighting not to cry. Especially over bullshit like this. A good dad would have said, dude I'm so glad you got this job. This is fuckin what teenagers do. They fuckin mow people's fuckin lawns. Or at least I fuckin do. Maybe everyone else's too busy stealing phones from stores and selling them on ebay for money, or selling weed, or selling themselves. Im tryin so hard not to be bitter right now, but it's so hard not to be when all life is is a big money equation to your dad, and his "son"'s just a certain value. I feel like ripping the $150 he paid for it at a tag sale out of my stash of money and slamming it on his face, then slamming his face in a wall. There's your hundred and fuckin fifty dollars. Go buy another piece of shit. Then he says, "You really irritated me by committing to that without asking my permission to use my property. That was a wrong thing to do. Do you believe it was wrong?" Instead of doing any of what I wanted to do, I said, "Yeah, dad. I'm sorry." Dad, if you ever read this, GROW A MOTHERFUCKIN PAIR OF MOTHERFUCKIN BALLS AND GROW THE FUCK UP AND BE A FUCKIN PARENT LIKE YOU FUCKIN CHOSE TO FUCKIN BE FUCKIN 16 FUCKIN YEARS AGO. PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS USE THEIR LAWN MOWERS. PARENTS DON'T BURY THEIR KIDS IN PILES OF SHIT. PARENTS DON'T LET MONEY RULE THEIR LIVES. PARENTS DON'T KEEP THEIR HEAT AT 45 DEGREES IN THE WINTER. PARENTS DON'T LET THEIR WIVES BE FUCKING BITCHES TO THEIR KIDS. PARENTS FUCKIN LOVE THEIR KIDS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE IS?

Had to get that out. In other news, I got my permit the thursday before last. . (amazing that he's letting me drive his property isn't it)? Prom was last night. had a good time, but need to find a girl instead of going with friends. I need to stay strong and hold onto love, and know that one day I'll be ok.

We're all here to teach each other something. But first we have to be willing to listen. Right now, I'm not. Right now, I want to take the car and run. I want to burn their dump down. I want to love myself. I want someone to love. I want someone to love me. I want to get the fuck away from this. Check back with me in 5 or 10 years. Then I'll listen.

Hands - Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken.

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken.

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk0bKfC8XSE

5/3/10

She decided to randomly hit the ceiling (really hit the ceiling. . like worse than in the youtube video) again today. Left me pretty shaken up but I was able to stay sane and calm while she was doing it. . she ended up storming away. It was about somethin stupid, like how I don't talk to her or whatever, as usual, but she really got pissed. He heard some of it and told me to "obey your mother" as usual, and I told him that what she just did wasn't okay, and him letting it happen wasn't okay, so then he went in the kitchen where she was and told her to calm down. She started screaming, so he blew up, which hardly ever happens, but when it does it's really bad, and now they're pissed at each other.

In psychology we're talkin about how teens work. . . how girls feel like they have to be adults and be feminine even if that's not who they are at heart, and how guys hide behind a mask and don't show emotion. Sometimes I like the mask cause it means (with most people) I get to have my space when I feel like it, and I get to just be a dude, hardcore. But sometimes, like right now, and like I've said before, I wanna throw it all away and show my true colors. All of them. What I feel. . what I want. . what I need.

I feel so selfish sometimes, because it's always about what I want and what I need and I want to be cuddled and I want love. But the truth is, that's what I deserve. That's what every kid deserves. My parents are obviously selfish as fuck. . I just have to find the right balance between surviving, taking care of myself, and distinguishing between longing and fantasies, and reality.

And I'm tired of the same old story. I want love. I want to be free. I want a nice place to live in. I want to be safe. I want a mom. I want to stop pretending. I want my soulmate. But I feel it. . it's like this huge. . hole. . emptiness. It's like a black sun inside me. And if I stare into it long enough sometimes it blinds me. If I stare into it for a really long time eventually I'd prolly kill myself. So I stare at the blades of grass, stare at them for long enough till they turn deep green with golden sunlight shining all around.

Right now I want to break down. I want to fall on my knees and keep cryin for days until I feel my girl's hands on my shoulders and her kiss on my neck. And I want to touch her cheek and fall away from this life into something beautiful. And I want her to see all that I was. . all the dark alleys and black skies and my mangled heart, and still love me, still think I'm beautiful. And I want love in my heart to give to her. real love. unselfish, unfucked up, real, pure, unconditional love. And I want to do everything to make her happy. I want to leave little notes for her and buy her flowers and lay in the grass and watch the stars for as long as we could without lookin at each other. And I don't want to remember ever again. I want the flashbacks to stop. I want to start fresh and be a normal person. I want to be her best friend and spend nights just talking about anything. I want to be her guardian, and I want her to protect me from evil and from what I've seen. She's out there, and one day she'll be in my arms. One day she'll touch me and I'll smile because I'll know I'm not broken anymore. Nothing's ever perfect, but we'll be close <3

A Blank Slate

Accomplishments aren't always what they seem.
It's not always the same old story about how you
Have a Dream
And you try and try and try and try
And you make dreams come true;
You fly.
Sometimes it's the little things
Just getting through the day
Finding the time to pray.
Answering a question
Letting go
And being free
Showing the world
Your creativity
Taking things one step at a time
Using your originality
Then finding love
Changing the world
Standing out
Not being afraid
Bring brave
Showing courage
Perserverance
Optimism

Truth
Independence
Love
Learning from mistakes
Loyalty
Giving
Adapting
Understanding beauty
Seeing
Laughing

And at the end of the day
You see all you've done. . .
You made a difference
You did it, you won.

4/25/10

Im about to go to bed, but just gonna write somethin quick before I do. Right now Im just hoping that the next 36 days'll be okay. I have a lot of improving to do, and a lot of surviving at the same time, like always. I'm still scared and (to a point) insecure, like always, also. I also have a lot of being a kid while I still can to do :). Andd a lot of figuring out love to do. . maybe finding deeper love in some people. I'll be free soon. . I can do this.

4/24/10

Wow. So, I just spent a week at my brother's apartment (not perfect, but a lot better than here) and I have some new things to say.

So, I just read some of my blog, and I realized that in the past few weeks I've been slipping a little bit. Grades wise, sanity wise, emotionally wise. . just in a lot of ways. Some of what I wrote in my blog didn't make sense, or it was weird. I guess when you live in a crazy house, you go a little crazy sometimes yourself. But I got to sleep all through the night while I was at his place, and I got good food and it was comfortable and I got to relax and chill. . so, I feel a lot better now.

My blog has been crazy to say the least. It's all over the place, I guess because my life is all over the place and here is where I let things out, no matter how messed up they are, or how crazy or weird.

I also realized that within myself, there's a lot of different people. There's the person I turn into when I walk in the door of this house, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to friends, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to adults, and then there's other personalities that I can't really describe. I think a small part of me is living on a totally different planet. That part of me is living in my fantasy world where everything's okay and I'm safe and happy and everything's how I want it. Then I also have a badass personality. And I also have a survivor mode/personality that just focuses on staying alive and passing time.

When I write in this blog, I feel like all my personalities are fighting to show themselves in what I say, and a lot of times everything comes out jumbled, but sometimes I see myself (at least who I think "myself" is) in what I say, if that makes sense.

I think most of the personalities I have are necessary. Who I am when I'm dealing with my parents is necessary to make them not go crazy, and some other personalities are defense mechanisms, like the fantasy one. I'm creating my own world to live in to help myself believe that I'm okay, and I'm in a stable environment. I think what I need to do is, even though I still have to have different personalities to survive, I have to recognize them more, and realize that not all of them are reality, and try to bring myself down to earth instead of floating in the clouds all the time. I also have to expand my horizons and try to be more balanced, even with the limitations of living here and dealing with them.

Okay. . . I guess that's all for tonight. Some of these things were kind of a wake up call and hopefully I can use them to power through the rest of the school year. I definitely think I'm going to get therapy once I have a job and a steady income, even if I think I have it all sorted out on my own. The good news is, it's almost the end of the school year so some of the stress'll be gone. I just have to make sure I see enough friends this summer and I don't let myself get isolated from everyone by my parents. I'm gonna be okay, I'm gonna stay strong, I'm gonna keep my grades up, I'm gonna keep it real, and hopefully I'm gonna find someone that loves me.

4/21/10

I spent spring break at my brother's apartment in PA to get away from here. I couldn't log into my blog, so I wrote this entry on paper. It's mostly just a lot of thoughts all on one page:

Sometimes I think none of this is real. I think I'm telling a story. . making all of this up in my head. If it weren't for the hoarding, maybe I'd go crazy. Maybe the hoarding and the bad memories are making me crazy, because they're real.

I think when I write, I'm protecting a part of myself. . and keeping it away from the rest of me. Keeping me from going crazy.

My psych teacher doesn't really think feelings are real cause we can control what we feel. I hate psychology. . all it is is knowing what human instinct is and manipulating it. It takes away the magic and the mystery.

A lotta times I don't like being smart. It means I always have all these thoughts whirling around in my head. It means I overthink everything, and I have the capacity to understand things more deeply. . and a lot of the things aren't so pretty. It also means I know how to survive, and how to plan, but how smart to you have to be to survive? Cavemen did it. . .
I guess the best thing about it is I have potential, and I could use it to get ahead later on.

Tony's still real tense, but he's getting better. I just hope he never gets like our parents.

I'm scared cause I know a lot of my fantasies of love won't come true, at least not in high school. And once I give my heart to someone. . truly give my heart to someone. . I don't know how I'll survive if we break up, and all my dreams come crashing down.

I don't know. . but for now I need to rest. I just want to feel what love is.

Please forward, please help

Just now, I flipped to a random page in the Bible, and this is what it said:

Galatians: 5:1 - For freedom Christ set us free; so stand firm and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery.

We all face challenges and uncertainties. We all face tears, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness when faced with those challenges. It's the most difficult thing in the world to deal with because none of us know what'll happen in the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next year, or the course our lives will take. Satan is always trying to trick us or beat us down into a hole. He wants to break us. . break our spirits, and break our love. But what he doesn't realize is, love can't be broken. Human beings can choose not to be broken. God will not be broken. And all the beautiful things in the world, and all our blessings will not be broken if we choose not to let them become broken.

God set us free. He gave us our own will, our own ability to reason and make choices. Some of us are naturally better suited to enduring, physically and mentally, depending on the physical body we have, and brain. But you can't make me believe that someone who wasn't blessed with as good health physically, or as good a situation physically, can't believe. Sometimes just thinking we're trapped, physically trapped, and thinking something's out of our control, it forces reality to be that way. . and it doesn't have to be. Even if all the believing in the world doesn't change something the way we expected it to (it never hurts to believe in changing something specific), it will still change something that needs to be changed in our lives. That something could be so small we never notice it, or so huge that it's life-changing, but it's still there, simply through the power of the mind, and through hope.

One of my neighbors is going through a really tough time right now. He might lose his hearing, and has a brain tumor (causing him to possibly lose his hearing). The doctors say there's a 50/50 chance. He might have to have a machine implanted in his head and attached to his ear all his life, or might need surgery to take the tumor out, or a miracle might happen, or the worst could happen - him being deaf permanently, or any combination of any of those things. I need anyone who can hear me, anyone who's listening, to pray for him, and pray for this family who's done so much for me. They're kinda like my second parents, and I love them. So, ask God to take care of them, help him get better, and if not, ask God for there to be a bigger plan than what's happening now. The family needs strength and hope. So, I need you guys to pray for that.

Me, I think I just need sleep to get out of this fog. Sorry if some of the stuff I said didn't make sense. Keep praying and keep believing. We need Novenas. We'll all wake up tomorrow.

God, I need you to send a powerful force or a powerful something that'll help us right now. All of us. I need you to help me see the way you're guiding me. Shine the light brighter through the fog. I need you to let me have my freedom but help me heal, and help all of us heal. I need you to help me follow you. Tonight is when I need you to carry me so there's only one set of footprints. Carry all of us. Please help us.

Everyone reading this, please put aside my situation and forward this to anyone who'll listen, please pray for this family, who's become my family. I know you see tons of things every day asking you to forward things or do things for other people, but just for one day, all Im asking is that we get as many prayers as possible. I can't even really see what Im typing right now. Please pray for us. Like I said, tomorrow's a new day.

I have a choice.
We all have a choice.
I have to take this pen
And this paper
And write
The story of my life.
I can change things
With this mark.
My mark.
I dont care if Im tired
I dont care if I stumble
I dont care if Im not where I want to be.
I can get there.
I don't care if my time runs out
I dont care if my car breaks down
I dont care if I'm empty
And something, somewhere needs to be filled.
I will see better days.
I will love beauty.
We will rise above.
We will be free. .
Free to fly.

I want my baby
I want her to hold me
I want her to protect me
I want to lay next to her for days.
I believe I honestly could lay next to her for days.

But see, I can't think like that.
I have to be the man.
I have to be the rock.
What if don't want to be the rock?
What if I want to be the eagle?

I'm supposed to have strength
I'm supposed to be tough
Not let anything bring me down
I'm supposed to only say two words
And just exist in the corner of the back of the room
And act like I'm something else
To get all the girls.

I'm supposed to be a kid.
I'm supposed to put myself first, always.
I'm supposed to chase the air
On those hot summer nights
Under the stars
I'm supposed to laugh and act like a jackass
I'm supposed to be in everyone else's world
Of hookups and breakups
And make out in that special place.
With some girl
Who I don't even know.
But what the hell. . that's what being a kid is.

Maybe I have to stop trying to break through the barrier
Of being someone who I can't be. .
At least not right now.
Maybe I have to try harder than ever
Before it's too late.
Before I'm old

Stop.

For tonight, keep me in your heart, love.
Feel me on your skin
Hold my image in your mind. .
Feel my magic in your smile.
Hold my hands
And let me go. Let me floor the gas till I fly into space.
The sky is where I'll be going
One day I'll come back to you.
But for now
Fly
While you still can.
Fly to my eyes
My chest
My hands
My lips
My hair
My love
You and the rest of the human race. .
We're Free to fly

4/5/10

It's late so I don't have too much time to talk. But things have been steadier since the blowup the weekend before last. Other than cursing me out and putting me down behind my back when they think I can't hear through the walls, things have been fine. He's getting tired. . worn out. He's officially retiring June 1st. Made sure to make it so all his stock options and incentives (money) get executed before then, as usual. He's getting a year's salary package after that. Another 200k that's going to rot in the bank while he's complaining that they don't have enough to retire on. I saw ONE of his bank account printouts once when he forgot to stash it away in his mountains of paper. It said the account was at over 2 million dollars.

She's still changing every day. Depressed as hell some days, angry others, suspicious others, plain crazy others. But I don't want to talk about her. . she makes me sick.

And me. . . I've seen better days. Happier times. There are still the short glimpses of freedom, but they're starting to make me sick too. . like someone's holding the carrot in front of me but not letting me reach it for years. I'm still changing, and in some ways, I don't care. . in some ways, I'm removed from everyone and everything, even freedom. In some ways, I don't have fight left. Some ways I do. I'm just a kid. . what can a kid do? And at the same time, I can do anything. And at the same time, that phrase is way too pathetic and overused.

I feel like I'm driving through hell. Like there's a road with lava all around and all kinds of obstacles and potholes full of lava in my way. And the hounds are on my tail. I feel like a 40 year old. . the way I talk. . I feel like an 80 year old in the way I think sometimes. It's fucked up.

But like I said, it's getting late. I need to rest my head. I guess sometimes when you're driving through hell, you have to take one last look at the iron gates up ahead and what's beyond them. The sun, and the green grass, and the future. (and sometimes, you're damn right the grass is greener on the other side). And the road ahead of you is dropping off into the lava. You just have to put it in overdrive, floor the gas, hope you have a Toyota, and close your eyes.

I think tonight I'm gonna need two pillows. And a rosary.

Please.

I dont know

So tired. . feel like Im fading. I'll get some things done tonight and tomorrow I'll see civilization. I wish I could sleep for days. My body doesn't feel tired, but my mind does. And my soul. This has never happened to me before. Maybe I just need more sleep. It feels like my brain is shutting down while I'm still awake. It's been like this since yesterday when all the shit happened. Well, if my brain shuts down that'll really suck. But I guess I'll just have to keep going. Whether my brain's on or not, I survived another day. And whether it's on or not, I'm going to survive tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.

God Help Me

That's all I have to say. Today was one of the worst days Ive had in a long, long time. I literally thought about hitting her head with a frying pan and shooting him. I'm not even going to go into it because I don't remember everything that happened today or this week and I don't want to remember and there's no point in explaining it. I was helpless. So, God help me. God give me a miracle. God, do something. The fight I'm putting up. . the being rational. . being the diplomat. . agreeing with them. . getting them to shut the mother fucker up. . the amount of effort I put into it anymore is pathetic. And I want to give up. I'm thinking of just graduating and cutting myself off from them early and getting loans no matter if he'd pay college tuition or not. They make me so sick. . I seriously want to barf right n0w. I have so many pent up emotions. . hate. . bitterness. . I can't hold them anymore and I want them to be gone. I don't care about money or college because I know as long as I graduate high school I can figure it out from there. . so many people on my street have had fucked up parents or didn't have any help with money and they're all living in mansions. And I have so many friends who wouldn't let me fall down the tubes.

Right now I have to focus on getting my license. I'm already taking drivers ed which cost like 500 dollars which he paid for from my "bank account" (all my money he can find which he takes and puts in his account). . so, I'll have my license in july of this year. Then I guess I'll see how things are. If they get better I won't cut them off right out of high school. . it all depends on how much I can take and how much I'm willing to play russian roulette with tuition. Once I have my license and I took SATs and I have all the documentation in my hand, I could figure it out. God help me.

March 23

Man, I hate nights. I feel like nights are when I'm at my worst. I don't feel like doing anything and I just want to go to bed. I honestly don't know what to feel so I either feel depressed or just tired. Lammeeee. . . I think tonight I will just go to bed. . I could catch up with life tomorrow. Today was so embarrassing. . just like little things made it embarrassing, but all together they were annoying and embarrassing. . haha. God, I wanna cuddle right now. I washed my pillow case so I totally have a clean pillow to cuddle with!! :) Woohoo. No screaming for a while, so that's been good. God, if she started right now. . Id honestly have a breakdown. I cant deal with being tired and not on my game and being screamed at at the same time. But anyway. . okay. Gotta go.

I'm already there. .
Don't make a sound. .
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there till the end
Can you feel
The love that we share?
I'm already there. . .

We might be a thousand miles apart,
But I'll be with you, wherever you are <3

Love ya beautiful. Sometimes I think living like this is a blessing in disguise. . if it weren't for my parents and their chaos, I wouldn't be dreaming of you. I know one day I'll find you, and give you whatever's left. . Promise. I just hope I'll still be in one piece enough for you to love me for me. . whoever me ends up being. Just gotta keep going. I love you.

Please, God. .

Negativity

It's so hard to try and live a normal, balanced, healthy life, when they're so negative, on top all the other negative impacts they have. Being abusive, hoarding, making the house close to unlivable. . but the negativity is what really hits home sometimes. The cursing, the calling names, the crying, the thinking life is ending because of a small, meaningless thing.

To him, people are cattle. They're only purpose are to be used as another business vice, another negotiation, leverage in a negotiation, or to be kiss ass to if they happen to have more authority than he does. He's the biggest hypocrit in the world because he values his "family" (what's left of it) and money more than everyone else and he tries to get us to be the herders. His new money book that he's reading is called "How to stay rich for life". But he's told me before that I value money more than people because I told him that he should spend the money to put the heat up and buy nicer things vs. buying everything broken or crappy at tag sales, and he told me that "money is great, but the real wealth is in relationships."

Well goddamn it, I'm not a herder, and people aren't cattle. He could take all his money and burn in hell. People are beautiful. . every single one, cause we all have some amount of good inside. Every person that's in our lives is there to teach you something, or to be taught something from you. And every person is a miracle, and human life is a miracle, and life itself is a miracle. He could take his books and his shit and his 15 year old car with 28,000 miles on it and his "smarts" and go to hell.

I also think it's soo hilarious that he thinks that because he has money, he has more power than I do, and because he has "tangible wealth" and he's lived for 60 something years, he's smarter than I am. Guess what? He has power over a piece of paper with pretty green symbols and letters on it. He has power over a number on a bank statement that doesn't even take up a hundredth of the size of the paper. He doesn't respect me, or have power over me at all. If I need money, it's called work when I go to college. It's called student loans. It's called, we live in The United States of Fucking America, and I'm damn fuckin proud of it. He has zilch power over me. Imma find a way, because there always is one. And when he's on his deathbed, and he has that moment we'll all have where we look back on what we accomplished, he'll say, my son and daughter are gone. My house is falling apart. My wife has serious mental problems. I don't give a shit about God. . I only do now that I'm dying. I never got what I wanted because I didn't take the time to find myself. All I cared about was making sure my life on earth was good. With money. So, dad, maybe one day I'll pray for you. But right now, fuck you, because right now I honestly can't find it in myself to forgive you. Sorry, God.

Sorry guys, but I had to get that the fuck outta my system.

I won't stop, because I don't have that option. If I stopped, I'd be dead, and I'd never be able to change things for people like me. I'd never find out what love is. I'd never be able to stop being the 80 year old wise dude, and just be myself. And I'd never be free.

I do have the option to cry, but I'm not going to. Cause I'm so fuckin tired of crying.

So. For tonight, all I can do is wait. Live in the moment, however painful it is, and wait. Every day that goes by is a day I get closer to living. For tonight, I'll go back to being the diplomat. I'll be strong on the outside. I have to hold on.

Today in drivers ed, there was a story about how a drunk driver got into a head-on with a minivan with a boy and his mom in the front. The mom died. When the cops came, he was holding her in his arms. I wish I was him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pexQPx6tPGc

God, help me through the bitterness. God, help me to find love. God, help me not to die. God, help me to see the truth. God, help me to think clearly. God, help me to be okay. God, help me to love the right way. Help me to learn what love is.

Pick a life. . any life

On the outside,
I have serious eyes.
Dark brown and clear,
They blankly stare past you.
They sparkle because I'm alive.
Wearily fixated on the path ahead
They won't let you see me.

My jaw is clenched
But you can't see. . .
My shoulders are stiff
My chest is braced.
My hands hold on to a part of my future.
I am not afraid.

First Period.
There was homework? Guess you learn something new every day. .
I flash a smile to the person next to me and say hi.
Another lecture on molar heat capacity. .
Time to start last night's math homework.

I walk down the hallway.


Hey Liz.
Heyy Beth!!
Hey Tom, whats up?
Hey Matt.
Hey Mary.
Hey Jade! Did you do the psych. homework?
Hey Kim =].
Hey Josh. . how's tennis comin?
What's up Brett? Not much.
James, where have you been?

Hey. . . what was her name again?


Second period.
Wha. . . Who conquered Napoleon Dynamite?
Como se llama llevaba hablabaria ablahblahblahblah?

The fluorescent lights are so bright.
They're closing in.
Whatever. . guess I'll try tomorrow.
Goodnight.





On the inside, I'm shaking.
I'm sweaty.
Hollywood is life.
I saw death standing in the hallway.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I'm trapped.
I have to run. I have to.
I'm a deer and they're the headlights.
I believe some of what I tell my parents.
Wait. . was I supposed to believe that?
They're inside me.
Get them out. Now.
Run.

What was I thinking just now?
You don't want to know what I'm thinking.
I'm not that innocent.
Sometimes I think I belong in a mental ward.
Millions of identities.
"The human brain can only process three to four pieces of information at once."
What do I want?

What do I want?

What are people?
What do they stand for?
Do they stand for anything?
Do I stand for anything?
Do I care?

I won't give my freedom for God.
I won't let anyone make my choices.
Am I wrong or am I right?
Do I care?

What is time?
What is the difference between movies and reality and why is there a difference?
What am I supposed to learn?
Everything happens for a reason.
What reasons?

. . . What reasons?

Make a change. You have the power to change this.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.

Guess I lost my own fight.

Am I a good person?
Am I hot?
You're pathetic.
My teeth are yellow.
No, they're not.
Why can't I just change my life?
Are these all just illusions?
Am I going crazy?
What the fuck is wrong with me?

Does that girl know my secret?
Does she even care?
No one cares.
No one cares? That's pathetic.
Fuck that. I care.
I'm gonna make it.
Make it? Define 'make it'.
Really, I'm surprised I can still form logical sentences.
Logical sentences.

1:30. 1:36. 1:40. 1:42. 1:43. 1:44. 1: 45. 1:46. 1:47. 1:48. 1:49. 1:50. 1:53. 1:54. 1:55. 1:56. 1:57. 1:58. 1:59. 2:00. 2:01. 2:02. 2:03. 2:04. 2:05. 2:06. 2:07. 2:08. 2:09. 2:10. 2:11. 2:12.

Attention all students: you are now free from prison and cruel and unusual confinement. Have a good night.

I need a place to rest my head.
For hours. .
Weeks. . .


Months.

Years.

I'm falling.
Please, God.
Let them understand.
Who?

I'm always tired. It never changes.
It never stops.
Do I even want to wake up?

Whatever. . I'll figure it out tomorrow.
Goodnight.

It's so warm.
Her fingertips glide over my bare chest.
I have goosebumps.
Swimming in a world of cream colored cotton.
Warm and fuzzy. Refined and safe.
The intensely soft shimmering copper sun
Fills in the empty spaces and gives reassurance
To our pasty white, worn bones.
Her silent kisses
Her wild smile.
She has beautiful eyes.

. . .The word beautiful is underused.
Everyone strives for originality.
What if I don't feel like conforming?. . .

She has beautiful eyes.
Let's stay like this forever.
Just like the movies.
She buries her face in my neck
Her hair smells like the ocean
It's my final resting place.

My eyes snap open.
I just lost everything I was holding on to.
I just lost my dreams.
I gave away my heart.
Who am I now? Who was I five minutes ago?
You don't understand. No one understands.

. . What? I don't understand.

On the outside, I have serious eyes.

Refuse to lose.

Refuse to lose.

3/14/10

Every time I see them, I get scared. . I've been at my neighbors house most of the day, dogsitting, which the parents let me do. While I was there, I watched a movie about a wife who gets abused by her husband. He married her and he seemed like the perfect guy, but then she found out he was cheating on her and he hit her when she got mad at him. From then on, he kept hitting her if she did something he didn't like, and it kept escalating. And he didn't get all pissed or anything. . he just hit her and said calmly, "I'm the man. And I need another woman to satisfy my needs and desires. You're the wife. Remember your place." How twisted is that?

And I feel like, that's the exact same thing that's going on with them. Sometimes, yeah, they get in a rage and go crazy. . but sometimes. . maybe even more scarier, she does the mind games. It's like I tell her she's crazy, she hits me (figuratively) and says calmly, "what do you mean? i'm completely right. I'm perfect. You're the kid. You're powerless and helpless. Remember your place."

They're so unpredictable and I lie to them every single day about something little and stupid and meaningless, whatever it is. And they're just twisted. . like, it's not something you get help for or something someone else can change. It just is. That's the way they are, and to them there isn't even a question of whether they're right or wrong. I'm so afraid they'll find out. And I keep thinking of the day when I'm gonna cut them off. . and it keeps replaying in my mind. It's probably gonna be the worst day of my life, cause I'm going to have to cut them off and leave and make sure they never could find me, and God, they'll try to. But then I won't have to be scared. . cause physically it'll be me, my friends, and if need be the police against two old people who have no resources and who are insane.

I have to stop thinking about that though. . I'm stressing out about what's gonna happen years from now, and right now I need to get more important things done.

Lessons

Just finished watching Tuesdays with Morrie. Great movie. Morrie and I are so similar in so many ways. . we both believe in love completely. . we both want to be held when things are bad. . or good, or just because. We both feel the pain in the morning and at night. Morrie cries in the morning cause he knows he's gonna die, but then shakes the dust off his hands and decides to stop feeling sorry for himself because he knows it's not getting him anywhere. Usually in the morning I hold my pillow real close and pretend it's my soulmate. . and I guess I just hold her and pretend she's holding me. Nights are when I cry. . I don't know. . I think it's a weird Libra thing. I always wake up and I'm fine and my scales are balanced but by night they're goin crazy and I know I need sleep.

Morrie also showed me how important it is for me to forgive my parents, but leave them behind once I'm gone. Whenever I go out into the real world, with my friends outside of school on the rare times I can get out to go with them, I see what the real world's like. People are free and they don't waste their lives away worrying about their "mother" going berserk because they had a yogurt. . they don't go sneaking around their house for food or for a jacket. They're not constantly worrying about college and money and all this crap. They just. . are. They are what they are and they do what they do and they live in the moment, and that's what I have to try to do more, even with the limits I have because of my parents. But one thing's for sure - once I'm free, I'm never going to conform to their little twisted world again.


I'm still finding myself. Morrie taught me so much, but also helped me realize I still have so much to learn. Morrie's a lot like me in that he realizes that you don't have to be a goody two shoes in order to have love. So much is about policy and all these meaningless laws and consumerism and politics and avoiding wars and money. Honestly, screw it. I can stick to the 10 commandments and be perfectly happy, thank you. So many people are wrapped up in policy and money and work that they don't take the time to look at the big picture. Where are we, and what do we want? No, not the raise. Not the new gadget. What do we really, truly want inside our hearts? And the thing is, it changes all the time. We constantly have to reassess what we want, but the most important thing is, we have to approach everything with love.

People have told me before that I should be a therapist, or a motivational speaker, or a priest. No, maybe, and no. Even I don't have the patience to sit in an office all day and listen to people's problems. Yeah, I'm sure I could help, but I know that's not what I was meant to do. A motivational speaker, maybe. . I'm definitely good at not giving up, and motivating myself to keep going. . I'm sure I could motivate other people. And a priest? Honestly? Gimme a break. I'd get fired my first night on the job. I'd turn the church into a club and be hung over the next day.

But anyway it's getting late. I need sleep, and I need to start my pillow holding routine. Love ya baby. . wherever you are. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

"You can't know how to live, until you learn how to die."

"We either love each other, or we die."

--- Morrie

3/11/10

I feel like crying again. . I'm so afraid. I had dinner with my neighbor down the street and we went to get ice cream with her daughter but I told them I was babysitting and I'm so afraid they'll find out. I know I sound like a total wuss and I sound like a two year old and I'm trying to control it but I can't. You don't know what they'd do to me if they found out. . I'd lose their trust again. . and then it's goodbye college. God help me if I give up now. There's so much drama and so much pressure. I know I need to loosen up and I seriously am trying to. . like every two seconds I'm stopping myself and telling myself that I'm totally overreacting. I'm doing the thing where you breathe in and out for ten seconds. But then it just keeps coming back. I don't know what to do. .

Anyway, just writing all that helped a little. I was talking to my neighbor and found out that she had an insane mother too. . got out, then went into a physically abusive relationship for 6 years. Now she has a huge house, an audi A4, and her husband has a beamer and a porsche boxter that he races. And they have an awesome daughter who I babysit for. The husband has all kinds of problems. . he had a tumor in his spine, got it removed but the nerves got damaged, and now he has really bad pain all the time in his feet. . almost had to have them amputated. And he's deaf in one ear and losing the other one. But he still made his dream come true. Both of them did.

God, I'm so scared. I'm soo scared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPfeu1Q8cQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_TL9YFemic

March something 2010

I feel like crying right now. I can't believe I still talk to my dad and her after all they've done. It's like someone punching you in the face one day, and the next day you pretend it didn't happen, so they think it's okay to keep punching you in the face. I'm so torn inside and I can't keep doing the split personality bullshit. Maybe the only way not to turn into a mindless robot is to cry and get depressed. . . at least I'm recognizing that I'm pretending instead of convincing myself back and forth every time I have to talk to them and then go and be a normal person. They turned off the heat and the low for tonight is 34.

I want my baby, and I want a mom, and I want to be ok.

“Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.”

“Tears are words the heart can't express”

3/8/10

I have the best neighbors in the world :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjuP7DhRTPs


I'm so pumped right now. Once again, life's put an obstacle in my way and I (with some help) found a way around it. My parents can tell me I'll never amount to anything unless I'm a lawyer or a doctor all they want. They can threaten me and call me names and say I'm not worth the gas to be driven to practice. . Well guess what? I'm gonna be a soccer star. Or a lacrosse star. Or a tennis star. Or a basketball star. Or a whatever the hell I want to be star.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnm3YbuPWfo


They can say I'm a useless kid and call me a brat and tell me how awesome my life is in their twisted way. They can keep the heat at 45 degrees all they want. Hell, don't even put the heat on. Save some more money. I'll survive. I have friends. And I have love. And I'm smart. I'm like a skyscraper, and they're like a little ant in their 15 year old car with a dresser from a tag sale strapped to the roof.

Cry to me all you want, lady. Tell me I'm a mistake, and if you'd known about how horrible I'd me that you wouldn't have had me. Bring it on. Turn all the fuckin lights off in your house and grow all the mold you want on the walls and have all the rats you want in the roof and water down all the milk you want and give me mold to eat and then tell me that you're sorry for me and I need help. Scream at me all you want over nothing. Waste your life away. Cry and scream and sleep and watch oprah and 20/20 cause those are the only channels you get all you want. Use your 20 year old toothpaste and wonder why your teeth are falling apart. Call me "the kid" and "the boy" all you want. Guess what? Fuck you. Guess what? I'm proud of bein a dude. I'm proud of being young and having my whole life in front of me once I get out of your hellhole of a house and your little twisted world. I'm proud of who I am and my soul and everything God blessed me with.

hahaha. . she really thinks she scares me? she's a joke. well, I have a funnier one. Cruisin down the street in my dark blue stang GT with white racing stripes blasting eminem or jay-z. turning every girl's head on the street. coming to a stoplight. . when it turns green, squealing my tires and shooting away. Bein on top of the world. Seeing all there is to see. Making a difference. Learning something new every day. Laying in the middle of nowhere and watching the stars. Holding her so close I could feel her heartbeat on my side. Smiling, laughing, and telling someone I love them at least once a day. Wishing the night would never end. Telling her all my secrets. Always going to sleep warm, with soft, white sheets, and always waking up to sunshine. Crying tears of joy. Getting in my car and driving XC just cause I feel like it. Whispering 'I love you' to her to wake her up in the morning. Teasing her then kissing her when she opens her mouth to say something. Showing the world. Going on an adventure.

Bring it on, lady. I'm gonna go to college and meet the girl of my dreams and get married. You dont scare me.

The background on my computer is birds flying away over the ocean. . if you scroll down you can see it. Soon, I'm gonna be one.

I have love.

3/7/10

Awesome song that a friend from YT sent me:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw



How I feel right now:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-Olz17yHCU

3/5/10

School was horrible. I got totally stressed out and worried last night, I went to bed at like, 2, then I go in today. . the morning was okay. . not the best, but okay. . lunch was crappy (old chili burgers) and I wasted my money on it, so then I'm copying my friend's homework in english for next class, my annoying friends point out to the teacher that I'm copying homework (I didn't think anyone was going to do anything cause she's really laid back. . they prolly didn't think she would either) and she takes it and gives it to my spanish teacher, along with some other kids who were copying the same homework cause none of us got how to do it. So then we go to last period spanish, the kid I was copying it from flips out because my english teacher took his work too, my friend behind me's crying cause he's afraid we're gonna get kicked out of national honor society. . I feel like shit because I went through hell last night and now I have to deal with this. . it was totally crazy. So then she gives a speech to the class about not copying. . I want to melt into the floor and I feel sick and I don't want to be alive cause this was the same teacher I cried to and told everything about my parents a couple days ago. . I go on autopilot all class waiting for it to be over. . talked to her after class and she let us off with a zero (she could have done a lot worse. . like made us get suspension. . and Ive never gotten even a detention in my life) and I covered for the kid I was copying it from so she didn't do anything to him. Then I got home and I had to deal with my mother, then I went for a long walk and froze, then I looked at the stars and thought about aliens, then I came back and now I'm here!! Hahaha :)

Oh and there was a catfight RIGHT behind me in lunch between two girls that I never would have imagined getting in a fist fight. I just stood there cause I honestly didn't know what to do. . they were like freakin that cyclone guy from Looney Toons. . so my friend Bri broke it up. .
haha if I ever got in a fight I'd be deaadd.

So, the almost getting in a lotta trouble kinda shook me up a little bit. I'm not going to go fight all my life through all the BS to get everything go down the tubes because I copied some person's spanish homework. Maybe it was a karma thing cause I've been copying everyone and their mother's work lately. . totally dont' have any motivation, and half the time I can't even keep my eyes open. She doesn't come in my room in the middle of the night anymore (at least I don't think she does) but she still keeps waking me up with her screaming/scary animal whimpering sounds in the next room at 2 AM. (That's what she said.)

I have to try and work harder, not copy as often, and not let the BS affect me as much. It's just. . walking through the halls or whatever. . or wherever I am. The tears start welling up, and I can't even control them. . even if I close my eyes and take deep breaths. . even if I'm not thinking about my parents. They'll go away for 30 seconds, then come back. I feel like I'm boiling over with being depressed sometimes. I dont' know. . whatever. I'll figure it out, and everything'll be fine. Right now, I need to illegally watch a movie and relax.

Scared

They're out right now, and I just did two loads of laundry and babysat without telling them because I don't want them to know I just made 20 dollars. I heard a car door close outside before (it was the neighbor's) and I panicked. I'm so fuckin sick of being scared of them and what they'll do to me. I'm fuckin sick of shutting down whenever someone screams at me, and making up stories.

I feel depressed, tired, helpless, hopeless, and pathetic. I'm in a cage. I need to be held. I want to run away. I want to take their car, and run away right now. I could be halfway across new york by the time they get home.

I have to go. . they'll be home in a couple hours. I don't need to run away. . I'm going to be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Everything'll be okay. I'll be safe.

Kiss the Rain

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jCSe66pWNmc

3/1/10

So much has been happening. . for the past week and half, it's been like a yo-yo. . one minute she's pissed off and crying. . then she's quiet. She did her mind games to me on sunday. Saturday she tried to keep me in the house. . I ran, then I cried. . I couldn't deal with it. Today I totally broke down to my spanish teacher after school and got screamed by him cause I was late so then I had to lie about why I was late. . I said I had a meeting that ran over. I almost pulled an all nighter last night to do three projects. . got one done, then I was like, screw it. . and went to bed at 1:40. I hugged my science teacher today (the ex-bio teacher that knows everything). Andd four people just IMed me on facebook and now my computer's freezing. To be continued I guess.

God. . I'm gonna drink so much hot chocolate and gatorade and root beer when this is over. Have a little umbrella in my hot chocolate. . on the beach. . surrounded by hot girls. . and an air conditioner. In Cali. Now you're talkin. . .

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S6CwWO8v5c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk


Love ya sweetheart (I know. . I sound like an 80 year old lady, but gimme a break. . Im running on four hours of sleep!!). Seriously though. . love you. . I still don't think I know you. . but. . I hope things with you are goin really good. I promise by the time I meet you. . I'll be all fixed. If I can be half the dude you dreamed of, I'll be happy. Okay. . more like three quarters xD. . I'm gonna hold you so close. . we're gonna make so many dreams come true. And I promise I'll aalllwayys be there for you. . no matter what. I'll be your rock. Things'll be so beautiful and I'll be so healthy and we'll live in an apartment in a skyscraper and watch the sun set every night. The air'll be clean and we'll have a cat or two. . . hahaa. Four hours of sleep.

But anyway. . I want you to know that to me, you'll be the most special girl in the world. You'll be the most special girl in the world, period. xoxoxo

Cant sleep

This is really bothering me. . . everywhere I look, there's seriously nothing about moms. If you google "I want a mom" or "mother son relationship" (I know, I have no life) all that comes up is a few websites about the problems. . then there are all these stereotypes about having to "deal with a teenager". . . and if it's not that, it's old ladies talking about baking cookies and the war. Dude. . seriously? What happened to the fun mom with the nice house and the minivan who actually cares about her kids, is friends with them, is cool, and also gives them guidance. . but most of all, gives them unconditional love? Maybe they're just too busy to post anything on the internet. . haha

If I had a good mom. . . wow. I'd tell her everything. . and she'd listen. She wouldn't scream at me or terrorize me or subtly try to make me feel like shit. We'd go to the mall. . go shopping. . get food. . go places. She'd call me honey and sweetie. . and she'd say I love you. She'd let me be in sports, and she'd be in the sidelines cheering me on. I'd hug her every day before school. . and occasionally kiss her. . if I was in a REALLY good mood. Dude. . I'd be such a mama's boy. . and I'd be happy to be.

What happened to those kindsa moms? I know they're out there cause I have friends whose moms are like that. . like I know it's never gonna be perfect, but it can come pretty freakin close.

Hahaha I remember one time I googled, "Chat rooms for moms" and I finally found one but I got kicked out cause they found out I wasn't a mom - just someone who was lost who wanted one. Lol. . .

I think I found a mom from youtube. . . I havent signed on in forever. .

Ughh. . I can't wait till the day when my real mom, whoever she is. . is in front of me, in person. So tired of computers. . whatever. . I'll figure it out.

I think I just need unconditional love. I was gonna write a poem but now I actually am sleepy. . haha. There's always dreams. . . maybe an angel will come tonight.

2/25/10

So, I'm so stupid. . I stayed up till like, 1 last night cause i didn't think we'd have school today, but we did : /. So now, they're saying tomorrow it's going to snow all day, but now I'm smart. . I don't trust them. . muahaha. . .

. . allright that was kinda weird. . but anyywayy

So, got tons of stuff for school to do. . procrastinating, as usual. Monday-Wednesday were the best days I've had in a long time. . Monday was awesome for too many reasons to list - there was this guy who made this assembly which was actually worth listening to. . I found my science book which I thought I lost which I thought was gonna cost me serious dollas. . I got gluesticks from my english teacher cause I ran out. . haha. . it's the little things :)

Tuesday I had a snowday, snowblowed their huge driveway with a two and a half foot wide snowblower for three hours, got yelled at for wasting too much gas. Greeaattt. Then the kids I babysit for came down RIGHT after he yelled at me, and he was still in the garage. . so I had to whisper to them to come with me back up the driveway (he flips a shit if he finds out anyone comes on his "property" because he thinks they're going to sue him if they fall and break something. . (even when you thought they couldn't get any more twisted. . lol. . )). . . so anyway. . I played with the kids for a little while. . then came back.

Wednesday afternoon was good because the money I had mentioned earlier from my friend Nadia in Canada came in the mail!! I have enough now to hold me over for a few months. . which is great. I almost cried when I opened the envelope. . it takes a LOT for me to cry. . but just knowing I'll be able to cover expenses for a while was a huge weight off my shoulders. Thanks Nadia :)

Wednesday night was crappy (read yesterday's blog post). . and then today I'm tryna figure out whether i should do my project and be "smart" or just bank on not having school tomorrow and wake up at 5 AM to find out there's no cancellations and try to throw together an english powerpoint in 40 minutes. . again.

Today was annoying because they were supposed to go to a play all night (that's the only time they EVER go out . .occasionally she wins musical tickets that radio stations give away. . . she refuses to buy tickets. . how cheap is that? AND, no lie. . she keeps a chart of all the radio stations, what they're giving away, when to call in, and what the secret answers are that you have to give them in order to get the prize. talk about OCD. . ) but the play got canceled and moved to next week, and I was planning to bring the house down (do a couple loads of laundry) tonight but now i have to wait. . The washing machine's still leaking and I'm still worried something's going to burst while I'm using it, but I looked under it at the motor and stuff and nothing looks that rusted out. . I think I'm going to completely prop it up and look for loose/cracked hoses so at least I know where the problem is before I do anything. (I haven't done laundry since november I think!!).

Ugh. . I hate old things. When I'm on my own everything's gonna be bought new and I'm going to get rid of it when it doesn't work anymore, or if I just feel like buying newer things just cause, I will!! :) I'm gonna have thick white body length towels. . face towels, and washcloths. . and thick fun colored rugs. White soft sheets. . white curtains. . white fluffy pillows. I'm really into white. . haha. I like things that are clean and pure. . but I also like fun things. . like I like splotches of color. . or swirls or designs. . like the graphics you see on the new Dell laptops. . I'm totally into all that. I like things that are spontaneous and fun and out there, but comfy at the same time. . and I love changing things up. I get bored sooo easily. . lol. I like things that are free and open and I like space and I like birds. . . I'm kinda like a bird. You can't hold me down. .if you pull me too close I'll fly away. I'm independent, but at the same time I'm killer loyal and I need love and a home to come back to. . someplace that's my own. And that's the thing - I've never been able to make anything my own. They won't let me move any furniture in my room or hang anything on my walls. . all of em are bare. And the same furniture has been there ever since I can remember. . like, there's a yellow and white toybox with charlie brown pics on it, and a red and blue lame dresser and a pasty green dresser with cats on it. Seriously? Am I four years old? But anyway. . it's not gonna be for long!! When I get an apartment, I'm gonna hang posters of hot girls alll over everywhere ;) Gonna get the best stereo ever and blast music all the time. All new, clean appliances. It's always gonna be 70 degrees. Temperpedic bed. . sweet, modern bedroom set. I can't decide between solid wood cause it's more homey, but boring, or glass/brushed steel cause it's more modern. . . but maybe too modern. I'm definitely gonna have a glass/steel desk for work. And Imma have a cat and maybe a dog later on. . and everything's gonna be messy enough to be a home but clean enough to be not retarded, or even close to what their house is like.


So anyway, I still didn't put together the spreadsheet/goals sheet that I was also talking about earlier this week. I'm going to make myself do it by saturday. . but I definitely think there's an 80% chance of no school tomorrow so I could probably do it then and just get my projects done now. I'm honestly really looking forward to doing it. . I definitely need to put everything down on paper. . er at least virtual paper. . . it'll make things so much easier and I could always add to it as I need to. . that's the beauty of doing things on the computer.

They're using the "low heating oil" excuse so the heat's back down to 53/54 downstairs, 45 upstairs. Overall they haven't been that crazy this week, except for the incident yesterday night with him. She was reaaallyy crazy over the weekend but whatever. I'm trying not to think about it or talk about it because I'm not letting myself get depressed. I have energy right now so I need to use it to kick butt.

Just realized, yet again, how much of a total asshole my "dad" is. He thinks he's the big cheese. . he takes orders from her, but acts like he knows everything to everyone else, especially me, and he thinks he could boss me around with his executive negotiation IBM bullshit. Hahaha. . guess what. Within the next two years, I'm buying my own car. Maybe through college I'll have to deal with their bullshit, but it'll be a lot less bad since I'll distance myself from them so much. The day I have my college diploma in my hand is going to be one of the best days of my life. I could imagine it right now. . . the graduation song. . all my friends being there to cheer me on. . the dean smiling at me. . my girlfriend somewhere farther down the line. . the night before, I'm going to have packed all my things in my mustang. . everything that I could fit into the car is what I'm going to use to start my new life. Then. . I'm going to walk down the other side of the stage, where the rest of the graduates are. . then they'll let us go. . .

If they're even there, my parents'll come up to me and say, Good Job. Let's go home. . . and he'll smile his business smile, like a snake. Or at least he'll say good job. . she'll probably just stand there and stare like a mouse who never gets to see daylight. I'm going to say, "I'm not going with you." His eyes'll narrow and he'll say, "what do you mean, you're not going with us?" (In other words, "I'm the alpha male. You do what I say.") She'll start going ballistic. . . hahaha I could imagine it now. . . "After I put the blood sweat and tears into raising you since you were a BABY, and spent so much money and time waking up at 6 AM every saturday morning to go to tag sales to buy things for YOU to make sure YOU were happy, you're abandoning us!?!?!?! You backstabbing son of a bitch bastard. I'M YOUR MOTHER." And then, he'll say, "Calm down, Janet. . our son isn't going anywhere. I won't let him." And then guess what. . . I'm going to laugh and say, "You won't let me? Watch this." And I'm going to walk away. They're going to follow me and he'll say, "Where the fuck do you think you're going kid? Look at me." And he'll grab my shoulder and turn me around to make me look at him. Then I'm going to tell him, if he touches me one more time, I'm calling the police and he'll be arrested for assault, and I'm pressing charges. Then he won't want to hit me in front of everyone, so he'll say, "Come on Janet. Fuck him." Then I'm gonna say, "Fuck off, both of you." and leave them in swirls of light brown dirt and the smell of burnt rubber. Me and my girlfriend'll meet up somewhere, and we're driving straight to california.

Honestly, maybe it'll be better if I just leave and completely just avoid them. . after 22 years of being tortured by both of them, I won't be able to hold myself back from throwing him to the ground and kicking the crap out of him. I'm so, so angry.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to have the satisfaction of telling them to fuck off and leaving, while watching their faces in horror when they realize they can't control anything I do. And I'm not going to get thrown in jail for kicking the crap out of him. I'm gonna get a punching bag, in college. . or take a martial arts class. . or something to get rid of all the anger and all the hate that I keep locked up. I'm going to set myself free the way I want to be set free.

And then, I'm not going to care about anything. They'll be 3000 miles away, and they won't ever be able to touch me again. I'm going to have/go to a couple parties a week. . have a nice job. . my stang. . the sun and the warmth, and start a new life there, and meet all new people. I'm going to be strong, and laid back, but at the same time, I'll be smart, and not let my life fall into a hole of bullshit, like hoarding, like she did. Most of all, I'm going to keep my mind open for what other people have to say, and my heart open for all the love. I don't want all this hate, and I don't need it. . I'll just let it go. . let it float away. I'm going to be so safe. . and I'll fly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gVsQZ2hVj8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Te8piQH70

2/23/10

God, thank you for everything good that happened today. Thank you for the blessings.

Right now things seem really hopeless and things aren't making sense. Hold me in your arms and keep me there. I know every single person in my life is there for a reason, to teach me something. It's all so confusing right now, God. I need you to help me through this, and keep me safe. I'm going to do really awesome things for this world. . I promise. Please, tonight, let there be peace. Help people understand how to let go. Let there be justice. Work your miracles and all of the beautiful things you do every day. I have faith in you God, if nothing else. And, I need you to hurry up on the girl/falling in love/flying into the sunset sitch. . I'm tired of being lonely.

I love you

Almost Forgot

So, my school's having a drive to bring in toiletries to help people in Haiti. . and, you guys know how I said a few times about how I wanted to help them, but couldn't because I had no access to a credit card or something I could use to donate - so when I heard about the charity thing at school, I was soo happy. So this morning while they were out I went up to my sister's old bathroom where they keep all the good toiletries that they buy and got a bag of stuff - hand soap, bar soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, lotion, hand sanitizer, deoderant. . and hid it in a binder in my bag, so I'll bring it to school tomorrow. Lol I was like, this drive is totally for me cause my parents have two 2x2 ft. boxes of toothpaste right now and all kinds of crap that's just going to sit there and rot - might as well give it away!!! I don't use the toothpaste because most of it expired in the '90s, but the soap, toothbrushes, and lotion are still good. . . stuff like that doesn't really expire. Plus I couldn't use the toothpaste even if I wanted to cause if they found out I was "stealing" from them, they'd kick me out, for sure. So that's why I buy my own and honestly I'm getting to the point where if she screams at me about me buying my own toothpaste I'm just gonna throw her into a wall. I'm getting to the point where I have zero tolerance for her bullshit, which is making things even more stressful, because I have to talk to her to make her shut up, but whether I talk to her or not she's not going to shut up, and at the same time if I do talk to her I have to avoid the subject of me buying my own things, which she always brings up and screams at me about. She always tries to provoke me into starting a fight and I totally just have to fight her mental games or walk away. So, it's kinda like, lose-lose-lose, times. . 5 million.

But, I really don't care. I'm in it to win it!! Lol. . Gonna keep their "trust" (even though I hear all the time about how they dont trust me) and tell them what they want to hear until college. The day I graduate college, I'm literally saying fuck off to their faces. . . hahaha. I really don't care. And while I'm in college, I'm going to separate myself from them as much as possible. . going to try to stay summers and get a really good job and maybe an apartment or live in my car or something. . or live with a friend. I really don't care but I can't come back here. . . but anyway. . I'm not going to worry about that right now. Right now I have to finish homework, wash up, and go to bed. Got through another day. I can't believe driver's ed is in a week!! Just gotta keep looking forward to things and praying and do what I had said about my goals.

God, give me strength and courage. Help me get out and not look back. Give me support and love. Help me be safe. Help me get through this and help me be who I want to be. Please.

My Goals

So, one of my problems is that I say I'm going to do all these things, and I get overwhelmed and I end up not doing anything. I get depressed and not motivated at all, then I fall into this downward spiral of thinking how depressed and not motivated I am. I can't do that. And I can say "I can't do that" all I want, but I know I'm going to keep doing it. The other thing is, my mind's very abstract. One minute I could be thinking about my goals, and the next minute I could be thinking about farms, or the sky. Literally. . haha. And I get into this mindset of, right now I have absolutely no control over anything, and I'm not going to until the day I'm on my own. And it all gets really hopeless.

Yeah, I'm extremely tied down. I have to go through hell every day, just walking out of my room and seeing their house, and hope that that day the screaming won't be bad. I'm freezing my ass off, I have to wear rags for clothes, and this house is unsanitary, the food is unsanitary, and it's disgusting. I have to go through her mental probing and mind games and their manipulative bullshit.
[Example: a couple months ago, I got him to pick me up after school. . we're driving home and he acts normal ("normal" is I ask him how he is and how his day was to get him to not give me bullshit about how I don't care about them). Then we get home, and I find everything in my room turned over, just because she felt like it. No, she didn't find a candy wrapper and say that I was doing drugs, or axe that I bought and say that I stole it from her. . none of that. This time it was just cause she felt like it.]

But anyway, so I have to go through all of that, and I get into a hole of being depressed and feeling hopeless and helpless. You get it. This is how I'm going to fix it. Since my mind is so abstract, I'm going to write down exactly what my short term/long term goals are, and realistically how I could get to them. And so I'm not overwhelmed, I'm going to choose the most important ones and work towards them first. . if I get a few done at a time, it'll be way easier. And, no more of the all or nothing mindset. Honestly, I'm prolly not going to get everything done that I want to. But that doesn't mean I'm allowed to go back into the hole. Getting something half done or three quarters done is better than not getting it done at all. My other problem is, I can't write things down on paper, because she'll find it and interrogate me about it and scream. Great. That's what a computer and passwords are for. I'm going to try to find an online workplace with a calendar I can write things down on, and a way to track my progress on making my goals. If not, I'll use Google Docs or something like that. But I'm going to do this. Gonna find a way and Im gonna figure it out. I don't care what I have to deal with.

I just have to remember it's all about balance. I can't burn myself out, but I can't not do anything to get to where I want to be. I have to be strong, and I have to be smart, and I can't let myself get into the jello-brain mode that I'm in half the time at school. One thing at a time, I have to keep trying. I just have to take it slow and build myself up. It's not about disciplining myself, cause Im going through hell and I'm already disciplined enough. . . it's about loving myself enough to work toward what I want, and get what I want.

2/20/10

Things to look forward to/good things:

1. Seeing Jen (sister) in March. . prolly gonna go to a car show :)
   
2. I found out I got into Drivers Ed for sure!!! It starts March 1st. Psyched out of my mind. Now all I have to do is pray that certain crazy people dont get in my way. .
3. I completely finished my two year long for science that I was talking about last week. It ended up being 34 pages (some people's got up to 60 pages!!) and I finished my poster thursday. Did an awesome job on both. . prolly gonna get an A or high B. Lol I had to change the printer cartridge right after I finished printing cause it was empty. . so hopefully he doesn't notice. They hoard printer cartridges too (what don't they hoard?) hahaha so it's all good.
   
4. My friend in Canada sent me money to pay for what I need. . it didn't get here yet but when it does I'll be able to pay for things again. I stress out all the time about money, and honestly I just want to know I'll be okay. . I need to pay for things I need like food or hygiene stuff or whatever. . and if I can I need to put some in savings once I get an account with Jen in a few weeks. Plus when I get a car, like I said, I'll sell some of their shit on ebay and make money to live on and save that way. I need to know that I have a financial cushion when I turn 18, because I don't want to go out into the world and have 200 dollars. I need to support myself till I get a job, and I have no idea when that's going to be. . so, it's scary. But I know God'll take care of me, and while I'm here I'll scrape up what I can here and there. . some from people that can help me. . some from doing jobs for neighbors. . some from selling their junk. . some from the paid surveys. And maybe when I can drive it'll be easier to get a job in town. . they'll still say no, but maybe I can sneak it somehow. Definitely in college I'll work.
5. The night sky and the stars are so beautiful. . specially when it isnt bone chillingly cold out. I kinda just want to lay on a blanket and watch it till I fall asleep. . when I'm out there, I feel like that's where I was meant to be. . . it's so calm. . . you hear the cars going by in the distance. . . and I feel like I'm free and I could just fly into it. All I need to do is spread my wings and lift off.
   
6. Last night I was a model for Prom Fashion Show (A dress place and a tuxedo place rent dresses and tuxes to the school, we model them so that people'll buy them for the prom and we raise money for our club that Im in). . andd. . at first I was kinda nervous so I messed up on a few poses. . lol but then I rocked it. . so it was pretty awesome. My two best friends Michelle and Hunter were there. . then this cute senior from gym who I kinda flirt with was there. And all my friends who were also models looked awesome. . they were all fighting over who was gonna get paired up with me. . haha. So it was pretty funny. I also got kinda closer to my friend Crystal who I just met this year. . she's really cool :)
7. I'm getting tons of mail from colleges. . it's so exciting. It helps me focus on the future and how amazing it's gonna be.
8. I'm over halfway through junior year. . I can't believe it. February's almost over!! And after this, I only have like, three more months.
9. It's going to get warmer soon :)