My Goals

So, one of my problems is that I say I'm going to do all these things, and I get overwhelmed and I end up not doing anything. I get depressed and not motivated at all, then I fall into this downward spiral of thinking how depressed and not motivated I am. I can't do that. And I can say "I can't do that" all I want, but I know I'm going to keep doing it. The other thing is, my mind's very abstract. One minute I could be thinking about my goals, and the next minute I could be thinking about farms, or the sky. Literally. . haha. And I get into this mindset of, right now I have absolutely no control over anything, and I'm not going to until the day I'm on my own. And it all gets really hopeless.

Yeah, I'm extremely tied down. I have to go through hell every day, just walking out of my room and seeing their house, and hope that that day the screaming won't be bad. I'm freezing my ass off, I have to wear rags for clothes, and this house is unsanitary, the food is unsanitary, and it's disgusting. I have to go through her mental probing and mind games and their manipulative bullshit.
[Example: a couple months ago, I got him to pick me up after school. . we're driving home and he acts normal ("normal" is I ask him how he is and how his day was to get him to not give me bullshit about how I don't care about them). Then we get home, and I find everything in my room turned over, just because she felt like it. No, she didn't find a candy wrapper and say that I was doing drugs, or axe that I bought and say that I stole it from her. . none of that. This time it was just cause she felt like it.]

But anyway, so I have to go through all of that, and I get into a hole of being depressed and feeling hopeless and helpless. You get it. This is how I'm going to fix it. Since my mind is so abstract, I'm going to write down exactly what my short term/long term goals are, and realistically how I could get to them. And so I'm not overwhelmed, I'm going to choose the most important ones and work towards them first. . if I get a few done at a time, it'll be way easier. And, no more of the all or nothing mindset. Honestly, I'm prolly not going to get everything done that I want to. But that doesn't mean I'm allowed to go back into the hole. Getting something half done or three quarters done is better than not getting it done at all. My other problem is, I can't write things down on paper, because she'll find it and interrogate me about it and scream. Great. That's what a computer and passwords are for. I'm going to try to find an online workplace with a calendar I can write things down on, and a way to track my progress on making my goals. If not, I'll use Google Docs or something like that. But I'm going to do this. Gonna find a way and Im gonna figure it out. I don't care what I have to deal with.

I just have to remember it's all about balance. I can't burn myself out, but I can't not do anything to get to where I want to be. I have to be strong, and I have to be smart, and I can't let myself get into the jello-brain mode that I'm in half the time at school. One thing at a time, I have to keep trying. I just have to take it slow and build myself up. It's not about disciplining myself, cause Im going through hell and I'm already disciplined enough. . . it's about loving myself enough to work toward what I want, and get what I want.