Just realized, yet again, how much of a total asshole my "dad" is. He thinks he's the big cheese. . he takes orders from her, but acts like he knows everything to everyone else, especially me, and he thinks he could boss me around with his executive negotiation IBM bullshit. Hahaha. . guess what. Within the next two years, I'm buying my own car. Maybe through college I'll have to deal with their bullshit, but it'll be a lot less bad since I'll distance myself from them so much. The day I have my college diploma in my hand is going to be one of the best days of my life. I could imagine it right now. . . the graduation song. . all my friends being there to cheer me on. . the dean smiling at me. . my girlfriend somewhere farther down the line. . the night before, I'm going to have packed all my things in my mustang. . everything that I could fit into the car is what I'm going to use to start my new life. Then. . I'm going to walk down the other side of the stage, where the rest of the graduates are. . then they'll let us go. . .

If they're even there, my parents'll come up to me and say, Good Job. Let's go home. . . and he'll smile his business smile, like a snake. Or at least he'll say good job. . she'll probably just stand there and stare like a mouse who never gets to see daylight. I'm going to say, "I'm not going with you." His eyes'll narrow and he'll say, "what do you mean, you're not going with us?" (In other words, "I'm the alpha male. You do what I say.") She'll start going ballistic. . . hahaha I could imagine it now. . . "After I put the blood sweat and tears into raising you since you were a BABY, and spent so much money and time waking up at 6 AM every saturday morning to go to tag sales to buy things for YOU to make sure YOU were happy, you're abandoning us!?!?!?! You backstabbing son of a bitch bastard. I'M YOUR MOTHER." And then, he'll say, "Calm down, Janet. . our son isn't going anywhere. I won't let him." And then guess what. . . I'm going to laugh and say, "You won't let me? Watch this." And I'm going to walk away. They're going to follow me and he'll say, "Where the fuck do you think you're going kid? Look at me." And he'll grab my shoulder and turn me around to make me look at him. Then I'm going to tell him, if he touches me one more time, I'm calling the police and he'll be arrested for assault, and I'm pressing charges. Then he won't want to hit me in front of everyone, so he'll say, "Come on Janet. Fuck him." Then I'm gonna say, "Fuck off, both of you." and leave them in swirls of light brown dirt and the smell of burnt rubber. Me and my girlfriend'll meet up somewhere, and we're driving straight to california.

Honestly, maybe it'll be better if I just leave and completely just avoid them. . after 22 years of being tortured by both of them, I won't be able to hold myself back from throwing him to the ground and kicking the crap out of him. I'm so, so angry.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to have the satisfaction of telling them to fuck off and leaving, while watching their faces in horror when they realize they can't control anything I do. And I'm not going to get thrown in jail for kicking the crap out of him. I'm gonna get a punching bag, in college. . or take a martial arts class. . or something to get rid of all the anger and all the hate that I keep locked up. I'm going to set myself free the way I want to be set free.

And then, I'm not going to care about anything. They'll be 3000 miles away, and they won't ever be able to touch me again. I'm going to have/go to a couple parties a week. . have a nice job. . my stang. . the sun and the warmth, and start a new life there, and meet all new people. I'm going to be strong, and laid back, but at the same time, I'll be smart, and not let my life fall into a hole of bullshit, like hoarding, like she did. Most of all, I'm going to keep my mind open for what other people have to say, and my heart open for all the love. I don't want all this hate, and I don't need it. . I'll just let it go. . let it float away. I'm going to be so safe. . and I'll fly.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gVsQZ2hVj8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Te8piQH70