The sun'll come out, Tomorrow,
Bet your bottom dollar that Tomorrow,
There'll be sun.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
1/28/10
I don't really know how to start. A lot of things have been happening. . . but I still feel like I'm floating, and like I'm not here. Like my body's here, but my mind and my heart aren't. All I know is that I'm really, really tired. She woke me up screaming around 1 or 2 in the morning three times in the past four days. I have that feeling that you get when you don't have a cold, but everything's rusty and worn down and you don't have energy. . so hopefully I'm not getting one. It's getting colder outside. . . the air coming out of the heat vent smells like burning oil. . . really strong. Everything I touch feels dirty. . like, full of germs and mold and bacteria. It's probably because nothing's been washed in ages. My clothes haven't been washed for weeks. . I kinda gave up washing them while my parents are out because the washing machine's leaking, and I'm just tired. There's mold in the air and I feel so dirty and by the end of the day my hair and face are full of grease. I dont have any energy.
Things are happening at school. . . I have to sign up for some AP classes for senior year, I have this huge two year long project for science that's due in 10 days that I still have a lot of work to do on, and I'm trying to get up the energy to do some community service or do something really great this year that'll look good on my resume. And I need money. . making that my second priority which I'll be able to focus more on once I finish my two year long and SATs. I need to be able to get out and buy a used car as soon as I turn 18 so I could get a job and support myself completely.
I posted tons of messages on youtube asking for help and prayers, and got tons more views, so I think I'm going to start doing that more. The more people who watch the videos, the more of a chance that someone could adopt me, or help me financially, or someone important with the resources to help me might watch them. Still praying. The only problem with youtube is that since I only have three videos, they don't explain the whole problem. A lot of people want me to call Child Protection, or just leave, or call the cops and things like that, but they don't get that my parents are crazy, and doing any of those things would buy me a one way ticket to living on the street. And, I don't want to go into the "system". . . especially only a year and a half before I'm 18. Child Protection has already been here, and they didn't do anything about it, because the caseworker honestly just wanted to get it over with, so he closed the case on the grounds that the situation wasn't "causing physical harm". Well folks, that's a government agency for you. But the point is, I don't want anyone else involved, because as soon as anyone is, they're going to get way worse, which I can't deal with again. So either I could leave with funding and/or media attention/help, or stay and make enough to live on my own, and leave when I'm 18.
A lot of people also were saying that they were sorry for me, on youtube. I appreciate the compassion, but to be totally honest, all of us sitting around feeling sorry for each other, and me feeling sorry for myself are only going to make the situation worse. I need results, as soon as possible, and I need people, if possible, to be proactive in telling other people about my videos, raising money, praying. . whatever they can do. I honestly don't feel good about asking people for money in the middle of a recession with over 10% unemployment, so money from an organization would be better. . But I need it, bad. I need to get away from here. I know I'm being really direct right now, but a lot of people want to help me, and this is what I need. I think once I'm safe, once I'm on my own, everything else will fall into place, because I know for sure I'll be so much happier. . honestly, it'll be like being born again. I don't care if I have to work, long as I dont get screamed at over nothing and I can live comfortably, that's all I want. And then beyond that, I have my whole life to make my dreams come true, and I will. I'm sure I could find a replacement mom. . if not, I'll just find a girl who gives me all the love I need, who I can give back all the love and everything else she needs/wants.
A couple people said that they thought deep down, I still love my parents. I don't. . and I'm not just saying that. If they both died, right now, I'd be happy, because I'd be free. I wouldn't be happy because two human beings died, because no matter what, I won't wish death on anyone. . . even my parents. But I'd be happy because I'd be free, and safe. In my opinion, maybe dying would be better for my mother, cause I don't think she's ever going to get better. But like I've said in previous posts, I don't want her to die, and I don't want her to live - I'm neutral about it.
Overall, I'm just really tired. I'm tired of fighting. . I'm tired of explaining my story but it being either misunderstood, or the person saying "I'm sorry" and not doing anything to help me, since I'm doing everything within my extremely limited power to help myself. . I'm tired of being screamed at, I'm tired of being an emotionless robot and being afraid I'm actually turning into one, I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of going through an endless cycle of being depressed, being positive, being emotionless, being depressed again, then positive again, etc. I'm tired of being affected by her screaming, her hoarding, and her in general no matter how much I try to block it out, I'm tired of my father being a total asshole and saying he loves me one day, then blaming all my mother's problems on me the next day, I'm tired of being fake to my friends, I'm tired of floating, I'm tired of being an adult, I'm tired of conforming to the needs/wants people who have more power than I do just so I could get by, I'm tired of worrying about money, I'm tired of feeling dirty and disgusting, I'm tired of not being who I want to be. . . . I'm tired of being tired. Hahaha. . .
I really hope I could go back to being a kid once this is all over. . . Know what? I can. I can do whatever the heck I want when this is over. . . haha.
Sorry to the people I haven't replied to yet on Youtube. . . I just had to get my feelings out here, and I really need sleep without her screaming. Once I have more energy I'll reply to you guys. Maybe I'll be able to tonight. . maybe not. But I will eventually.
So, overall, just please keep praying. If you can spare anything financially. . even just a couple of dollars will buy me a new thing of mouthwash, or food. My paypal account is alwaysforlove@live.com . . . If not. . . pray. Pray for healing, pray for safety, pray that one day I'll be able to help other people living like this. Pray that one day I'll forget that I ever needed to ask people for money to buy mouthwash.
I'm praying for you guys, too. There's so much hope, and so much love and good out there. I will not let go of the faith that I'll find it. . that all of us''ll find it, right up to the day I die.
For the people out there who can make a difference in the world in bigger ways than I can, use your opportunities. I know through a lot of this I sound like a hardcore Christian God-fanatic, and I know it kind of annoys me when other people are like that, and they're not themselves. . . but I just really believe in Him, and I trust Him, and I know he's gonna get me out of this. I'm just like you guys, though. .
Alright. . I seriously have to go. .
Peace. TGIF tomorrow!! :)
Things are happening at school. . . I have to sign up for some AP classes for senior year, I have this huge two year long project for science that's due in 10 days that I still have a lot of work to do on, and I'm trying to get up the energy to do some community service or do something really great this year that'll look good on my resume. And I need money. . making that my second priority which I'll be able to focus more on once I finish my two year long and SATs. I need to be able to get out and buy a used car as soon as I turn 18 so I could get a job and support myself completely.
I posted tons of messages on youtube asking for help and prayers, and got tons more views, so I think I'm going to start doing that more. The more people who watch the videos, the more of a chance that someone could adopt me, or help me financially, or someone important with the resources to help me might watch them. Still praying. The only problem with youtube is that since I only have three videos, they don't explain the whole problem. A lot of people want me to call Child Protection, or just leave, or call the cops and things like that, but they don't get that my parents are crazy, and doing any of those things would buy me a one way ticket to living on the street. And, I don't want to go into the "system". . . especially only a year and a half before I'm 18. Child Protection has already been here, and they didn't do anything about it, because the caseworker honestly just wanted to get it over with, so he closed the case on the grounds that the situation wasn't "causing physical harm". Well folks, that's a government agency for you. But the point is, I don't want anyone else involved, because as soon as anyone is, they're going to get way worse, which I can't deal with again. So either I could leave with funding and/or media attention/help, or stay and make enough to live on my own, and leave when I'm 18.
A lot of people also were saying that they were sorry for me, on youtube. I appreciate the compassion, but to be totally honest, all of us sitting around feeling sorry for each other, and me feeling sorry for myself are only going to make the situation worse. I need results, as soon as possible, and I need people, if possible, to be proactive in telling other people about my videos, raising money, praying. . whatever they can do. I honestly don't feel good about asking people for money in the middle of a recession with over 10% unemployment, so money from an organization would be better. . But I need it, bad. I need to get away from here. I know I'm being really direct right now, but a lot of people want to help me, and this is what I need. I think once I'm safe, once I'm on my own, everything else will fall into place, because I know for sure I'll be so much happier. . honestly, it'll be like being born again. I don't care if I have to work, long as I dont get screamed at over nothing and I can live comfortably, that's all I want. And then beyond that, I have my whole life to make my dreams come true, and I will. I'm sure I could find a replacement mom. . if not, I'll just find a girl who gives me all the love I need, who I can give back all the love and everything else she needs/wants.
A couple people said that they thought deep down, I still love my parents. I don't. . and I'm not just saying that. If they both died, right now, I'd be happy, because I'd be free. I wouldn't be happy because two human beings died, because no matter what, I won't wish death on anyone. . . even my parents. But I'd be happy because I'd be free, and safe. In my opinion, maybe dying would be better for my mother, cause I don't think she's ever going to get better. But like I've said in previous posts, I don't want her to die, and I don't want her to live - I'm neutral about it.
Overall, I'm just really tired. I'm tired of fighting. . I'm tired of explaining my story but it being either misunderstood, or the person saying "I'm sorry" and not doing anything to help me, since I'm doing everything within my extremely limited power to help myself. . I'm tired of being screamed at, I'm tired of being an emotionless robot and being afraid I'm actually turning into one, I'm tired of being strong, I'm tired of going through an endless cycle of being depressed, being positive, being emotionless, being depressed again, then positive again, etc. I'm tired of being affected by her screaming, her hoarding, and her in general no matter how much I try to block it out, I'm tired of my father being a total asshole and saying he loves me one day, then blaming all my mother's problems on me the next day, I'm tired of being fake to my friends, I'm tired of floating, I'm tired of being an adult, I'm tired of conforming to the needs/wants people who have more power than I do just so I could get by, I'm tired of worrying about money, I'm tired of feeling dirty and disgusting, I'm tired of not being who I want to be. . . . I'm tired of being tired. Hahaha. . .
I really hope I could go back to being a kid once this is all over. . . Know what? I can. I can do whatever the heck I want when this is over. . . haha.
Sorry to the people I haven't replied to yet on Youtube. . . I just had to get my feelings out here, and I really need sleep without her screaming. Once I have more energy I'll reply to you guys. Maybe I'll be able to tonight. . maybe not. But I will eventually.
So, overall, just please keep praying. If you can spare anything financially. . even just a couple of dollars will buy me a new thing of mouthwash, or food. My paypal account is alwaysforlove@live.com . . . If not. . . pray. Pray for healing, pray for safety, pray that one day I'll be able to help other people living like this. Pray that one day I'll forget that I ever needed to ask people for money to buy mouthwash.
I'm praying for you guys, too. There's so much hope, and so much love and good out there. I will not let go of the faith that I'll find it. . that all of us''ll find it, right up to the day I die.
For the people out there who can make a difference in the world in bigger ways than I can, use your opportunities. I know through a lot of this I sound like a hardcore Christian God-fanatic, and I know it kind of annoys me when other people are like that, and they're not themselves. . . but I just really believe in Him, and I trust Him, and I know he's gonna get me out of this. I'm just like you guys, though. .
Alright. . I seriously have to go. .
Peace. TGIF tomorrow!! :)
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
1/26/10
“The strongest have their moments of fatigue”
“Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”
“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”
Come on, Lance. You can do this. Look at things differently. You'll be free soon. Someone'll find you. . . someone'll read all of this. People will help you get out of this. Time will pass. It's passing now. You'll find out why you were put here, and what you have to do. You'll be able to do that, and so much more. You'll be free, and no one could ever take that away from you. You won't be trapped anymore. You won't ever have to look at this house again. You'll be far away. You'll see something new every day. Not just the bus ride to school and back. You'll be free. . . just hold on. Come on. You can do this. You have been all your life. Ever since the screaming when you were four years old at 11 at night about whether you should get extra blankets or not. You have to be strong for everyone who loves you. Just believe, and don't give in to hopeless dreaming. Live in the moment. . you have to. All your dreams will come true one day. . there's no doubt about that. But in order to make them come true, you have to keep trying. Every day, you have to try. Don't fall into the hole like she did. . . it'll only make you crazy, like her. Keep your head up. . . face everything life is throwing at you, and see the beauty in it. See beyond, and keep the future in mind, but don't live in the future. Be strong. Please, God. Help me be strong. At least through the next couple weeks. No more screaming. . no more crying. Please, God. Please, God. Help good things to happen. Help me heal. . show me how beautiful I am. My soul. . . my body. . . my heart. . . my dreams. . . my love. . . my thoughts. Don't let me hear what she's saying. Do what's best for me. . I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what's good anymore. My will belongs to You. Set me free. . . help me be all You made me to be. Please. Give me a home. I want a home to come back to. . someplace that's my own. Help me get a car. Help me get away from them, and heal them. I want to run away. I want to fall into someone's arms and be safe there for the rest of time. . . but I want to live in reality. I want love. I want peace and I need Your grace. I need to be free, and I need love. Please, God. I know You can hear me. All the angels. Help. . please. I don't love them. I don't want them. I don't need them. They're hopeless, and I can't take care of them anymore. I can't clean up the messes she makes and then get screamed at. Please, God. Help someone find me.
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed by Thy name;
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy Will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day
Our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of death. Amen.
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But Deliver Us From Evil. Amen.
Hail mary, full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Our Father, Who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy Will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death,
Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Please, God.
“Sometimes, struggles are exactly what we need in our life. If we were to go through our life without any obstacles, we would be crippled. We would not be as strong as what we could have been. Give every opportunity a chance, leave no room for regrets.”
“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”
Come on, Lance. You can do this. Look at things differently. You'll be free soon. Someone'll find you. . . someone'll read all of this. People will help you get out of this. Time will pass. It's passing now. You'll find out why you were put here, and what you have to do. You'll be able to do that, and so much more. You'll be free, and no one could ever take that away from you. You won't be trapped anymore. You won't ever have to look at this house again. You'll be far away. You'll see something new every day. Not just the bus ride to school and back. You'll be free. . . just hold on. Come on. You can do this. You have been all your life. Ever since the screaming when you were four years old at 11 at night about whether you should get extra blankets or not. You have to be strong for everyone who loves you. Just believe, and don't give in to hopeless dreaming. Live in the moment. . you have to. All your dreams will come true one day. . there's no doubt about that. But in order to make them come true, you have to keep trying. Every day, you have to try. Don't fall into the hole like she did. . . it'll only make you crazy, like her. Keep your head up. . . face everything life is throwing at you, and see the beauty in it. See beyond, and keep the future in mind, but don't live in the future. Be strong. Please, God. Help me be strong. At least through the next couple weeks. No more screaming. . no more crying. Please, God. Please, God. Help good things to happen. Help me heal. . show me how beautiful I am. My soul. . . my body. . . my heart. . . my dreams. . . my love. . . my thoughts. Don't let me hear what she's saying. Do what's best for me. . I don't know what I want anymore. I don't know what's good anymore. My will belongs to You. Set me free. . . help me be all You made me to be. Please. Give me a home. I want a home to come back to. . someplace that's my own. Help me get a car. Help me get away from them, and heal them. I want to run away. I want to fall into someone's arms and be safe there for the rest of time. . . but I want to live in reality. I want love. I want peace and I need Your grace. I need to be free, and I need love. Please, God. I know You can hear me. All the angels. Help. . please. I don't love them. I don't want them. I don't need them. They're hopeless, and I can't take care of them anymore. I can't clean up the messes she makes and then get screamed at. Please, God. Help someone find me.
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed by Thy name;
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy Will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day
Our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of Thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of death. Amen.
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy Name;
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But Deliver Us From Evil. Amen.
Hail mary, full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Our Father, Who art in Heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy Will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death,
Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women
And blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, Pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Please, God.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
1/24/10
This weekend was supposed to be my clean up, rebound, refresh, get my head on straight weekend. Just more crying and screaming. Now my father was the one who blamed the hernea on me because I was the C-section. He said I have to take care of them more, after "all they've done for me." I really would like to know what they did for me. I really would. Besides giving birth to me, (which they found a way to also blame me for what's going on right now, because of my birth) I really want to know what they do. Then he blamed her tumors on me. He said if I hadn't been a terrible son and "devestated them" after they "gave me a wonderful life in a "beautiful" mansion (with mice and hoards of crap all around me and two foot pathways to walk through), "fed" me (with mold and rotten shit), and "clothed" me (with rags). I'm crying right now. I can't hold it in anymore. I want to be held. I don't want to be crazy like them. I want people to understand. I dont want to be strong. I'm so broken. God, please help me. . get me out of this now.
Please, God. Please. You showed me what you had to show me. I learned. I'm going to love so many people and help people and make a difference. I promise. Just please get me out of here now, before things get worse. Please, God. I don't care what I have to do. . . I'll do it. Please.
God, Give me the Strength to accept the things I cant change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference. Help me be strong, but keep who I am safe. Help me see the beauty in the world, and in myself. Help me to put this all behind me, and one day, to find unconditional love. Help... me use what I've learned to change the world for the better. I know this is happening for a reason.
Please, God. Please. You showed me what you had to show me. I learned. I'm going to love so many people and help people and make a difference. I promise. Just please get me out of here now, before things get worse. Please, God. I don't care what I have to do. . . I'll do it. Please.
Friday, January 22, 2010
1/22/10
Midterms are over!! I didn't do great on most of them. . I got like, a C in spanish, B+ in math, C in chemistry, B+ in english, and a 650 on my math SAT Prep class final ( out of 800 ). But, it was hard. . .I didn't get a lot of time to study, and I was depressed, and things were retarded. They still are, but Im just gonna have to do whatever I can next semester.
I found out that the thing in my "mother"'s hand definitely is a tumor. . . it's getting removed soon, then they're going to find out if it's cancerous or not. And, to be completely honest, I don't care. I'm not going to pretend to you guys. I don't care. . . I've tried to forgive her before, and every time I try, I have all these flashbacks. 100 scenes of screaming play out one by one, and I still remember what she said in each of them. And then I think about all the things I know she's still going to do to me. Stuff stays with you. . no matter how hard you try to shake it off. And in order to forget at least some of it, it's going to take years and years. In order to be the person I truly am inside. . . forget about all they did to me, all the secrets, all the little things I do now to protect myself from them. . . it's going to take years.
If it is cancer, she's just going to get crazier and crazier until she dies. Angrier and angrier, and even more depressed. If it's not cancer, she's just going to keep doing what she's doing. . Wasting away in her chair, staring out the window. . . burying herself in garbage. I honestly don't know which is worse. I don't know which option is better for me, either. But I'm not going to pray for her to die, or to live. I'm just gonna try not to think about it, and leave it up to God. I just want to be safe, free, and find love, somewhere in the world. God. . I need a therapist. . haha. It's so. . . sickening, I guess is the word, to think about this stuff. I'm so unbalanced, and I'm living in my fantasy world, and I don't know what to do, or who I am, or what I want. Whatever. . . (and I just say whatever to things that are annoying). . seriously. . this is like mental health suicide.
Good news is, it's getting warmer!! It's been around 40 out. . I hope it doesn't go back down to freezing, or like, zero degrees like it was in december and some of january. Maybe I'll start running again, and working out. But I'll have to keep that a secret too. She doesn't like it when I work out because it's an "unproductive waste of calories, and I'M the one buying the food around here, and if you're burning calories, you'll eat more.". . . haha, yeah right lady. It's called, healthy people work out, and I'M the one buying 90% of my own food, because your food ranges in expiration dates from 2005 (the frozen turkey in the basement freezer) to 2009. But of course, I can't tell her that either or I'd have my room ransacked again to find "clues to my insanity", be screamed at for maybe an hour, have my "father" come after me with his fists and threats, and, probably be locked out again for a few hours.
Almost forgot to tell you guys. . Jen's (my sis) coming tomorrow!!! She didn't tell them she was, so hopefully she'll just come down the driveway, say she's taking me for a few hours, and leave. Yes, they'll hit the ceiling when I come back, but I'll just leave. . like always. I don't care if they try to lock me in. Let all the alarms in the world go off. . . lock the door and throw away the key. . . I find ways to get out.
I'm gonna get out of this. I will be safe. We all control our own thoughts and actions, and no one can take that away from us. I'm free in my own mind to dream of the world I'm going to have when my body's free. I'm going to be normal, and I really will have it all. . and give what I have to the world.
Here are some songs that have always helped me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhYz4_-wp0I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII
I found out that the thing in my "mother"'s hand definitely is a tumor. . . it's getting removed soon, then they're going to find out if it's cancerous or not. And, to be completely honest, I don't care. I'm not going to pretend to you guys. I don't care. . . I've tried to forgive her before, and every time I try, I have all these flashbacks. 100 scenes of screaming play out one by one, and I still remember what she said in each of them. And then I think about all the things I know she's still going to do to me. Stuff stays with you. . no matter how hard you try to shake it off. And in order to forget at least some of it, it's going to take years and years. In order to be the person I truly am inside. . . forget about all they did to me, all the secrets, all the little things I do now to protect myself from them. . . it's going to take years.
If it is cancer, she's just going to get crazier and crazier until she dies. Angrier and angrier, and even more depressed. If it's not cancer, she's just going to keep doing what she's doing. . Wasting away in her chair, staring out the window. . . burying herself in garbage. I honestly don't know which is worse. I don't know which option is better for me, either. But I'm not going to pray for her to die, or to live. I'm just gonna try not to think about it, and leave it up to God. I just want to be safe, free, and find love, somewhere in the world. God. . I need a therapist. . haha. It's so. . . sickening, I guess is the word, to think about this stuff. I'm so unbalanced, and I'm living in my fantasy world, and I don't know what to do, or who I am, or what I want. Whatever. . . (and I just say whatever to things that are annoying). . seriously. . this is like mental health suicide.
Good news is, it's getting warmer!! It's been around 40 out. . I hope it doesn't go back down to freezing, or like, zero degrees like it was in december and some of january. Maybe I'll start running again, and working out. But I'll have to keep that a secret too. She doesn't like it when I work out because it's an "unproductive waste of calories, and I'M the one buying the food around here, and if you're burning calories, you'll eat more.". . . haha, yeah right lady. It's called, healthy people work out, and I'M the one buying 90% of my own food, because your food ranges in expiration dates from 2005 (the frozen turkey in the basement freezer) to 2009. But of course, I can't tell her that either or I'd have my room ransacked again to find "clues to my insanity", be screamed at for maybe an hour, have my "father" come after me with his fists and threats, and, probably be locked out again for a few hours.
Almost forgot to tell you guys. . Jen's (my sis) coming tomorrow!!! She didn't tell them she was, so hopefully she'll just come down the driveway, say she's taking me for a few hours, and leave. Yes, they'll hit the ceiling when I come back, but I'll just leave. . like always. I don't care if they try to lock me in. Let all the alarms in the world go off. . . lock the door and throw away the key. . . I find ways to get out.
I'm gonna get out of this. I will be safe. We all control our own thoughts and actions, and no one can take that away from us. I'm free in my own mind to dream of the world I'm going to have when my body's free. I'm going to be normal, and I really will have it all. . and give what I have to the world.
Here are some songs that have always helped me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhYz4_-wp0I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
1/20/10
So, my friend Teddy's mom drove us home today cause we got out early from school. She's really nice, and I could tell they have a good relationship. . like, she'll listen to rap music with us, and she talks like us. . and, she's just like a sweet person overall. But when we got to my house. . . they were both like oohing and aahing about how "beautiful" it is. . even teddy said I have a nice house, and he's seen the pictures. No one understands how disgusting it is inside. . . and then I sound like a rich spoiled kid when I say I don't like living here. I'm not rich. . I only have $212 dollars right now. And, buying all the stuff I have to buy to support myself, I'm going to run out soon. My parents are the ones with the money, and they use it to bury themselves in garbage, and they're twisted, and I'm tired of people thinking I have it all, and I'm tired of all my secrets. I wish they could just all see. Seriously. Now, don't get me wrong - am I grateful to have a roof over my head? Yes. Am I grateful that one way or another I manage to provide for myself? Absolutely. Am I grateful just to be alive every day? Some days don't go as well as others, but overall, I am, because life is a gift.
Then later, he wrote on my facebook wall that he and his mom would adopt me. . . obviously he's joking, but. . . a lot of my friends have said that. The ones who I've told. They've even told their parents about it and the parents feel bad for me. . . but that's not what I want. Right now, at this moment, all I want is a mom. I want to drop everything. . . forget my life, forget everything I know. . I'd give everything I have, just to have a mom. I don't care if it's unrealistic, and I don't care if people think Im living in a fantasy world, and I don't care if I'm driving myself crazy. Honestly, I don't. Because this blog is about what I have to say, not about what other people have to say for me. And honestly, I already am crazy. I've been crazy for years, ever since I've been on my own, because I grew up way too fast. But I don't want this. . I don't want to be crazy. . I don't want to be isolated. . I don't want to be insecure. I don't want the burden of having to take care of them on top of myself after all they've done and all they're still doing, and then fake a smile to everyone else and pretend that I'm not slowly losing it. This hurts so, so much. Right now, I just want a mom to come on the doorstep and hug me and not let go. And I want her to love me and I want her to not have boxes everywhere and a dump for a house, and think that her boxes are more important than her kids. I don't want her to be twisted. I want her to tell me she loves me. Plain and simple. Pure love. No playing games, no trick questions, no figuring out how to tell them what they want to hear so they dont explode. . . just love. Im shaking right now. . I'm cold, and I'm alone, and I'm scared, and I don't know how to get out of this without throwing away the rest of my life and my career. I don't know how to do this legally and I don't have the strength. I want to be warm, and I'm tired. I don't want to be a hero. I just want to be me. And if that can't happen, I want to melt into the ground and not be here anymore. For months, I haven't even felt like I'm in my own body anymore. I feel like I'm floating. . and like this is all a dream. Like every class I go to. . every person I talk to. . everything I touch isn't real. How can it be? God didn't make me to live like this. He made me to love, and to be loved. And he made me to be free. Free from the chains, free to make decisions, free from the burdens.
None of you moms/families out there would be willing to adopt me. . wouldya?
This is so hard.
Then later, he wrote on my facebook wall that he and his mom would adopt me. . . obviously he's joking, but. . . a lot of my friends have said that. The ones who I've told. They've even told their parents about it and the parents feel bad for me. . . but that's not what I want. Right now, at this moment, all I want is a mom. I want to drop everything. . . forget my life, forget everything I know. . I'd give everything I have, just to have a mom. I don't care if it's unrealistic, and I don't care if people think Im living in a fantasy world, and I don't care if I'm driving myself crazy. Honestly, I don't. Because this blog is about what I have to say, not about what other people have to say for me. And honestly, I already am crazy. I've been crazy for years, ever since I've been on my own, because I grew up way too fast. But I don't want this. . I don't want to be crazy. . I don't want to be isolated. . I don't want to be insecure. I don't want the burden of having to take care of them on top of myself after all they've done and all they're still doing, and then fake a smile to everyone else and pretend that I'm not slowly losing it. This hurts so, so much. Right now, I just want a mom to come on the doorstep and hug me and not let go. And I want her to love me and I want her to not have boxes everywhere and a dump for a house, and think that her boxes are more important than her kids. I don't want her to be twisted. I want her to tell me she loves me. Plain and simple. Pure love. No playing games, no trick questions, no figuring out how to tell them what they want to hear so they dont explode. . . just love. Im shaking right now. . I'm cold, and I'm alone, and I'm scared, and I don't know how to get out of this without throwing away the rest of my life and my career. I don't know how to do this legally and I don't have the strength. I want to be warm, and I'm tired. I don't want to be a hero. I just want to be me. And if that can't happen, I want to melt into the ground and not be here anymore. For months, I haven't even felt like I'm in my own body anymore. I feel like I'm floating. . and like this is all a dream. Like every class I go to. . every person I talk to. . everything I touch isn't real. How can it be? God didn't make me to live like this. He made me to love, and to be loved. And he made me to be free. Free from the chains, free to make decisions, free from the burdens.
None of you moms/families out there would be willing to adopt me. . wouldya?
This is so hard.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
1/19/10
Sometimes being in a social situation can be so hard. I feel like a foreigner. Like I'm still learning how to act, what to say. . what's cool, and the honest truth is that I am still learning. Like, since freshman year, I've gotten wayy better at it, but sometimes I'll still say things that aren't funny or that don't make sense or things that are awkward. But being years behind everyone else as far as social development is totally frustrating sometimes. Like, okay. Not years. But, just, developmental wise, I'm still catching up. I think the cure is just practice. . like, to hang around people more. It's just like in school. You go to class every day, and you learn. So I just have to hang around people as much as I can, and learn. It's really annoying though. And it also depends on what people I'm with. Like, if I'm with people that are more acquaintances, a lot of times I have no idea what to say, because we don't really have anything to relate to. Even some of my close friends are like, really into things that I haven't had that much experience with. Like a lot of my friends from the bus are into rap. . like, hardcore. I like rap, but I have no idea who a lot of the rappers are or what they're about. . like I just haven't ever learned. And I can't go researching like every single thing that other people are into that I don't know about. . I'd be here all day. I guess I just need more firsthand experience, like I said. Ugh. . cliques are annoying, and everyone being different is annoying. Lol. . normally I like the fact that everyone's different, but when it comes to friends, it's annoying. Just gotta get around it.
What scares me though, is that's one of the problems my mother has. She isolates herself because she totally sucks in social situations. Like, I've seen her in one a few times before. . mostly with my family. But even with them. . she talks way to loud, she screams, she's extremely awkward, and she tries to assert herself and make people pay attention to her but then she's just so annoying and loud and stupid that she kinda just scares everyone away. And then she gets rejected, and she isolates herself more and cries about it. I hope I never get like that. I'm just going to keep trying. It's kinda like exercise. If you're fat and you want to be fit, and you only try a little and then give up when you don't see results right away, you're not going to get anywhere. But if you're like, hell bent on being fit, and you want it more than anything, even if you're 500 pounds you keep trying and trying and trying. . and sometimes it takes a really long time, but eventually, you're hot and everyone's flirting with you. My analogies totally rock, don't they? Lol but that's what Im gonna do.
What scares me though, is that's one of the problems my mother has. She isolates herself because she totally sucks in social situations. Like, I've seen her in one a few times before. . mostly with my family. But even with them. . she talks way to loud, she screams, she's extremely awkward, and she tries to assert herself and make people pay attention to her but then she's just so annoying and loud and stupid that she kinda just scares everyone away. And then she gets rejected, and she isolates herself more and cries about it. I hope I never get like that. I'm just going to keep trying. It's kinda like exercise. If you're fat and you want to be fit, and you only try a little and then give up when you don't see results right away, you're not going to get anywhere. But if you're like, hell bent on being fit, and you want it more than anything, even if you're 500 pounds you keep trying and trying and trying. . and sometimes it takes a really long time, but eventually, you're hot and everyone's flirting with you. My analogies totally rock, don't they? Lol but that's what Im gonna do.
Friday, January 15, 2010
1/15/10
It's midterm week at school. I took the Spanish one today. . think I did okay. . . but I totally suck at spanish, so. . maybe not. . haha. But I tried my best, which is what matters.
So, this week, dad has been really trying to be nice, which was totally amazing. He fought against her for me, twice, and he said I love you before I left for school. Which totally blew my mind. She's still the same. . still crazy. . she cried/screamed to me today for the ten millionth time about how I was such a "terrible son" and "made so many mistakes" and all the bullshit, but it really didn't even affect me because all I could do was think about how my dad actually looked up from his computer and stocks and all he does to distract himself from her, and told me he loves me. Oh. . and then today she also blamed her hernea on me. . . she said it was because I was the only one she had a C-section for, and if she hadn't had me she wouldn't have it, and wouldn't have to deal with my "selfish" personality. Call me selfish. . all I want is a warm house without hoards of boxes everywhere. . I don't want to be buried alive, and I want there to be lights on, and a good mom who isn't a psycho, who loves me, which every kid deserves.
But anyway. . maybe she'll be gone soon. She had a tumor in her chest. . got it removed. Then they found a tumor in her hand. Still has to get it removed. They don't know yet if it's cancerous. . .And she has a hernea. . so, she's fallin apart. I keep praying that she'll get better mentally, which is the hardest thing in the world to do, after all she's done to me. . all they both have done to me. But you're supposed to love your enemy or whatever. . . so hopefully God remembers this when I die. . haha : ). I don't love her. . I can't. She's not a mom, and she's not a person. . she's a monster. But I'm just trying to like, remove myself from the situation, which I've gotten really good at. . and if I look at it like a third person from the outside, it's easier to wish she'd get better, for my sake.
I hope either she realizes how awesome life can be and starts getting out of her crazy. . state. . . - going out of the house more than once a month, making some friends, driving, being a normal person - cause otherwise, she'd be better off if she died sooner than later. It would put her out of her misery. But whatever. . it's in God's hands, not mine. All I care about is getting outta here.
So, I'm still getting the feeling that I'm not getting anywhere. . that time isn't moving. I'm getting it harder than ever. I started looking at used cars online. . even though I know I won't be able to buy one until I get out of the house in a couple years. . (and even then I'll have to keep it a secret from them). . . I don't know, it just makes me feel a little better to know that soon one of those cars'll be mine. I'll be able to go wherever I want, I won't be trapped, I won't be locked in the house anymore, and I'll have something that's actually mine. Even if the worst happens . . even if they kick me out for good, at least I'll have my own car in my name that they can't take away. . . I'll have somewhere to sleep, and I won't be on the street. I don't know why. . being on the street is one of the biggest things I'm afraid of. No doubt I'd survive. . I've been on the street before for a night a couple times when they've locked me out. . . but it'd just be. . . scary. It's hard to explain. . . you have nowhere to go and you feel lost. All you want is to be held. Kinda like that. But whatever. . that won't happen again.
So, to make myself feel better. . feel like time is moving, I'm going to try to make every day a little different. . . I'll fight them some more about going to see my friends. Or I'll go for more "walks". . . I have a lot of friends around here . . like, within walking distance. . . so I can chill with them. Maybe I'll start the book I've always wanted to write about my parents. . . I think it's going to be called "The Biker Kid". Cause I always used to bike to get away from them before I got a flat tire. Still workin on getting it fixed. . haha : ). One of the things I did to make myself feel better is, I looked up tons of quotes on hope and love and courage and strength and posted them on my facebook. I went from being killer depressed to confident and strong again. . . and I really like all of em. As a whole, they kind of show how life is a big picture. . . how you gotta keep trying, how you can't give up. Here are some of my favorites:
Being strong is actually kinda cool. Nothing can get in my way and I could be whoever I want to be in order to get what I want. . or I can just be myself whenever I feel like it. . haha : ) And I have love . . which is most important. I'm so glad that from being here, I learned that you can't just sit there all your life crying, like she does. You can do anything you want. You can change the world. . help people. You can make things better, and you can make miracles happen. You just gotta believe you can. Like, truly believe. And once you see that, you can do anything.
Where to start? Laugh. For absolutely no reason. Who cares who hears you. . who cares where the screaming's coming from or what people are going to think of you. Just laugh. Sing. Dance. Party with your half-broken earbuds and your music. Think of tomorrow. Think of all the good things that have ever happened to you. . all the good times you've had. . .and you can't say there haven't been any.
Wow . . writing makes me feel better. So glad I got all the bad stuff off my chest, and reminded myself of the good stuff.
So anyway, so like I said I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and have fun . . start sneaking out again if I have to (I don't know why. . but in december I kind of just stopped breaking all their "rules" because I was tired of fighting so hard for good food and toothpaste and good clothes and seeing friends). But I feel like now I have the strength to start fighting again, and winning. . getting what I need. Working my way up to freedom, success, happiness, and love : )
Almost forgot - this is dedicated to all the people in Haiti:
Our Father, who Art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom Come;
Thy Will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses;
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But Deliver us from evil. Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Glory Be to the Father,
Glory Be to the Son,
Glory Be to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the Beginning,
Is now and ever shall be,
World without end. Amen.
God, please watch over all the victims of Haiti. Keep them safe and hold them in Your Arms. Help them see the light, the love, and the laughter, and show them that all isn't lost. Help them overcome their losses and hardships, and look to the future, and all the opportunities I know You'll give them. Love them and give them Your grace and the protection of all your Angels. . and help them love each other, even when it's hardest. Watch over anyone, in Haiti, in Iraq and around the world, who are alone, or who need hope or love. Show them what you showed me. Amen.
Aight. . I seriously need to catch some z's. Everyone, pray for the people from Haiti. Pray for my parents, pray for me, pray for love, pray that one day I find a good mom. . I'm prayin for all you guys. Things are definitely going to get better. I promise : )
So, this week, dad has been really trying to be nice, which was totally amazing. He fought against her for me, twice, and he said I love you before I left for school. Which totally blew my mind. She's still the same. . still crazy. . she cried/screamed to me today for the ten millionth time about how I was such a "terrible son" and "made so many mistakes" and all the bullshit, but it really didn't even affect me because all I could do was think about how my dad actually looked up from his computer and stocks and all he does to distract himself from her, and told me he loves me. Oh. . and then today she also blamed her hernea on me. . . she said it was because I was the only one she had a C-section for, and if she hadn't had me she wouldn't have it, and wouldn't have to deal with my "selfish" personality. Call me selfish. . all I want is a warm house without hoards of boxes everywhere. . I don't want to be buried alive, and I want there to be lights on, and a good mom who isn't a psycho, who loves me, which every kid deserves.
But anyway. . maybe she'll be gone soon. She had a tumor in her chest. . got it removed. Then they found a tumor in her hand. Still has to get it removed. They don't know yet if it's cancerous. . .And she has a hernea. . so, she's fallin apart. I keep praying that she'll get better mentally, which is the hardest thing in the world to do, after all she's done to me. . all they both have done to me. But you're supposed to love your enemy or whatever. . . so hopefully God remembers this when I die. . haha : ). I don't love her. . I can't. She's not a mom, and she's not a person. . she's a monster. But I'm just trying to like, remove myself from the situation, which I've gotten really good at. . and if I look at it like a third person from the outside, it's easier to wish she'd get better, for my sake.
I hope either she realizes how awesome life can be and starts getting out of her crazy. . state. . . - going out of the house more than once a month, making some friends, driving, being a normal person - cause otherwise, she'd be better off if she died sooner than later. It would put her out of her misery. But whatever. . it's in God's hands, not mine. All I care about is getting outta here.
So, I'm still getting the feeling that I'm not getting anywhere. . that time isn't moving. I'm getting it harder than ever. I started looking at used cars online. . even though I know I won't be able to buy one until I get out of the house in a couple years. . (and even then I'll have to keep it a secret from them). . . I don't know, it just makes me feel a little better to know that soon one of those cars'll be mine. I'll be able to go wherever I want, I won't be trapped, I won't be locked in the house anymore, and I'll have something that's actually mine. Even if the worst happens . . even if they kick me out for good, at least I'll have my own car in my name that they can't take away. . . I'll have somewhere to sleep, and I won't be on the street. I don't know why. . being on the street is one of the biggest things I'm afraid of. No doubt I'd survive. . I've been on the street before for a night a couple times when they've locked me out. . . but it'd just be. . . scary. It's hard to explain. . . you have nowhere to go and you feel lost. All you want is to be held. Kinda like that. But whatever. . that won't happen again.
So, to make myself feel better. . feel like time is moving, I'm going to try to make every day a little different. . . I'll fight them some more about going to see my friends. Or I'll go for more "walks". . . I have a lot of friends around here . . like, within walking distance. . . so I can chill with them. Maybe I'll start the book I've always wanted to write about my parents. . . I think it's going to be called "The Biker Kid". Cause I always used to bike to get away from them before I got a flat tire. Still workin on getting it fixed. . haha : ). One of the things I did to make myself feel better is, I looked up tons of quotes on hope and love and courage and strength and posted them on my facebook. I went from being killer depressed to confident and strong again. . . and I really like all of em. As a whole, they kind of show how life is a big picture. . . how you gotta keep trying, how you can't give up. Here are some of my favorites:
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”
“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”
Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.
If one truly has lost hope, one would not be on hand to say so.
Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic.
When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
“For an instant, love can transform the world.”
“Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality.”
“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.”
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
Being strong is actually kinda cool. Nothing can get in my way and I could be whoever I want to be in order to get what I want. . or I can just be myself whenever I feel like it. . haha : ) And I have love . . which is most important. I'm so glad that from being here, I learned that you can't just sit there all your life crying, like she does. You can do anything you want. You can change the world. . help people. You can make things better, and you can make miracles happen. You just gotta believe you can. Like, truly believe. And once you see that, you can do anything.
Where to start? Laugh. For absolutely no reason. Who cares who hears you. . who cares where the screaming's coming from or what people are going to think of you. Just laugh. Sing. Dance. Party with your half-broken earbuds and your music. Think of tomorrow. Think of all the good things that have ever happened to you. . all the good times you've had. . .and you can't say there haven't been any.
Wow . . writing makes me feel better. So glad I got all the bad stuff off my chest, and reminded myself of the good stuff.
So anyway, so like I said I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and have fun . . start sneaking out again if I have to (I don't know why. . but in december I kind of just stopped breaking all their "rules" because I was tired of fighting so hard for good food and toothpaste and good clothes and seeing friends). But I feel like now I have the strength to start fighting again, and winning. . getting what I need. Working my way up to freedom, success, happiness, and love : )
Almost forgot - this is dedicated to all the people in Haiti:
Our Father, who Art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom Come;
Thy Will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses;
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But Deliver us from evil. Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Glory Be to the Father,
Glory Be to the Son,
Glory Be to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the Beginning,
Is now and ever shall be,
World without end. Amen.
God, please watch over all the victims of Haiti. Keep them safe and hold them in Your Arms. Help them see the light, the love, and the laughter, and show them that all isn't lost. Help them overcome their losses and hardships, and look to the future, and all the opportunities I know You'll give them. Love them and give them Your grace and the protection of all your Angels. . and help them love each other, even when it's hardest. Watch over anyone, in Haiti, in Iraq and around the world, who are alone, or who need hope or love. Show them what you showed me. Amen.
Aight. . I seriously need to catch some z's. Everyone, pray for the people from Haiti. Pray for my parents, pray for me, pray for love, pray that one day I find a good mom. . I'm prayin for all you guys. Things are definitely going to get better. I promise : )
Saturday, January 2, 2010
1/2/2010
Hey everyone. . . so I hope you all had an awesome Christmas/Holiday and a Happy New Year :)
This Christmas, the damage wasn't that bad on the hoarding. Just two VCR's from goodwill and a counterful of little things (I think english people would call them trinkets?) The furnace died during the break, but luckily I was at my brother's. My "father" fixed it. . now the whole house smells like oil, but at least it's 20 degrees above freezing. Hahaha :) The battery on both of their cars is dying. He wants to buy a new one for one of the cars, she won't let him. Hopefully they don't get stranded here, but if they did, there's enough food to last for a year or two. . .
Mold is growing on some of the pictures on the wall in her bedroom behind the boxes. But I can't touch them or she'll go ape shit. And, some of my clothes havent been washed in four or five weeks. Whatever. Fuck them.
The only other thing they did that pissed me off was, my sister got my great aunt a snuggie for christmas. She's in a nursing home in new york. . . she's probably going to die soon. When my sister left, my parents took it away. . . not that either one of them is ever going to use it, but I guess it's just the hoarding kicking in.
Anway. . sorry. I know that sounded depressing and bitter, but sometimes I just have to get it off my chest. I can't keep holding it in.
So, now on to the positive stuff. Another year is over. And I have a feeling 2010 is going to be way better. Maybe someone'll help me this year. . get me outta here and help me go to college. If not, this'll be the last full year I'll have to stay here. But every day. . . I hope a miracle'll happen and someone'll adopt me or something.
But I also realized something yesterday night. I realized how much bitterness and bullshit is consuming my life. All the secrets I have to keep from them. . . stupid secrets. Most teenagers keep secrets from their parents like, having sex or doing drugs. I dont do anything like that. My secrets are that I bought a new thing of toothpaste that isn't 5 years old, or I used hand warmers, or, I did laundry, or I used my iPod. And honestly, this is ridiculous, and college or not, I'm not going to sit here and keep dealing with it. I'm already getting screamed at anyway, so why not do what I want to do and still be screamed at? You could be in hell, or in heaven, but either way you can smile. I just have to be careful not to push her too hard or it'll be wayyy worse, but I definitely think I need to let loose a little more, and either fight with them or just ignore them. It's kinda like in It's A Wonderful Life. . he was totally freakin out about the money he lost, but he realized that he was just lucky to be alive, and the tax collectors saw that and didn't arrest him. In a way, I've kinda done that all my life, so it's not really anything new. . but, lately Ive been really depressed. So basically I'll just try to be happier and ignore the bullshit, because being depressed seriously isn't getting me anywhere. I honestly think God gave me the strength I needed to keep going and realize what's important and what isn't =]
So, on youtube someone recommended that I go to the online forums on the A&E website, for their show about hoarders. I looked at it, and seriously that looks like an awesome place to go to get help for it. So, I'm going to post a message on there and hopefully someone'll see it, and maybe they'll be able to help. My vids have been getting a lot more views also, which is always good. . and people are being so supportive and nice, which is definitely reassuring.
Anyway, good luck this year. It's definitely going to be better than 2009 - I truly believe that. There's going to be love and hope and answers and solutions. And when this is all over, life is going to be a party and I'll be able to do things that I've always wanted to do, and it'll be awesome.
This Christmas, the damage wasn't that bad on the hoarding. Just two VCR's from goodwill and a counterful of little things (I think english people would call them trinkets?) The furnace died during the break, but luckily I was at my brother's. My "father" fixed it. . now the whole house smells like oil, but at least it's 20 degrees above freezing. Hahaha :) The battery on both of their cars is dying. He wants to buy a new one for one of the cars, she won't let him. Hopefully they don't get stranded here, but if they did, there's enough food to last for a year or two. . .
Mold is growing on some of the pictures on the wall in her bedroom behind the boxes. But I can't touch them or she'll go ape shit. And, some of my clothes havent been washed in four or five weeks. Whatever. Fuck them.
The only other thing they did that pissed me off was, my sister got my great aunt a snuggie for christmas. She's in a nursing home in new york. . . she's probably going to die soon. When my sister left, my parents took it away. . . not that either one of them is ever going to use it, but I guess it's just the hoarding kicking in.
Anway. . sorry. I know that sounded depressing and bitter, but sometimes I just have to get it off my chest. I can't keep holding it in.
So, now on to the positive stuff. Another year is over. And I have a feeling 2010 is going to be way better. Maybe someone'll help me this year. . get me outta here and help me go to college. If not, this'll be the last full year I'll have to stay here. But every day. . . I hope a miracle'll happen and someone'll adopt me or something.
But I also realized something yesterday night. I realized how much bitterness and bullshit is consuming my life. All the secrets I have to keep from them. . . stupid secrets. Most teenagers keep secrets from their parents like, having sex or doing drugs. I dont do anything like that. My secrets are that I bought a new thing of toothpaste that isn't 5 years old, or I used hand warmers, or, I did laundry, or I used my iPod. And honestly, this is ridiculous, and college or not, I'm not going to sit here and keep dealing with it. I'm already getting screamed at anyway, so why not do what I want to do and still be screamed at? You could be in hell, or in heaven, but either way you can smile. I just have to be careful not to push her too hard or it'll be wayyy worse, but I definitely think I need to let loose a little more, and either fight with them or just ignore them. It's kinda like in It's A Wonderful Life. . he was totally freakin out about the money he lost, but he realized that he was just lucky to be alive, and the tax collectors saw that and didn't arrest him. In a way, I've kinda done that all my life, so it's not really anything new. . but, lately Ive been really depressed. So basically I'll just try to be happier and ignore the bullshit, because being depressed seriously isn't getting me anywhere. I honestly think God gave me the strength I needed to keep going and realize what's important and what isn't =]
So, on youtube someone recommended that I go to the online forums on the A&E website, for their show about hoarders. I looked at it, and seriously that looks like an awesome place to go to get help for it. So, I'm going to post a message on there and hopefully someone'll see it, and maybe they'll be able to help. My vids have been getting a lot more views also, which is always good. . and people are being so supportive and nice, which is definitely reassuring.
Anyway, good luck this year. It's definitely going to be better than 2009 - I truly believe that. There's going to be love and hope and answers and solutions. And when this is all over, life is going to be a party and I'll be able to do things that I've always wanted to do, and it'll be awesome.
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