About to start a new week. Staying strong. Got some laundry done today while they were gone. Posted tons of messages on youtube asking people to watch my videos and help. Totally disoriented right now. When I look at the big picture, I feel like I'm not going anywhere. There's now - hell. And there's the future - way better. When I live in the moment, I live in hell. When I imagine the future, once I open my eyes (I have to sooner or later) all I see is hell. I can't wait until summer. . at least then it'll be warm. Praying that someone finds me who can help. No screaming so far today, but she keeps stopping outside the door and listening. She's probably going to come in tonight. God'll protect me.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name;
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
Amen.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
12/12/09
She's been screaming a lot the past week. . . mostly at him. One time she woke me up at 2 AM. . screaming (this time from her room - she hasn't come in my room in the middle of the night at all this week). . . all I could hear her say is, "I'M THE ONE!!" over and over. I can't feel my feet, or my hands, or the tip of my nose. I want to be cuddled. . and I want to know that I'm gonna be okay. I'm scared, and I don't want to be here anymore. I can't stay here. . something has to happen. I can't do this on my own anymore.
It's A Wonderful Life is on right now. . . brings back memories.
What if I'd never been born. . . hmm. . .
I wouldn't have my friends. I wouldn't have God. . . well, maybe I would. I don't know what it was like before I was born. I wouldn't have my sister. I love her soo much. I wouldn't be able to see the beautiful world I'm in. Who the fuck am I kidding. I'm miserable, and this is pathetic. It's freezing cold and windy. It's dark. I'm scared. I'd rather be in heaven. In paradise. With all the love in the universe. This is so fucked up.
Okay. No. I'm here for a reason. I'm here to do something. God's gonna get me through it, however He does. . and He'll make sure I have love. Just like he did for George Bailey. My guardian angel's watchin over me. All the saints, all the angels. I'm gonna be so safe. . . In the arms of the angels. I'm gonna be warm. Gonna be free. Gonna have all I ever wanted. . . I will. I'm gonna see the world. I won't be in this room anymore. I'm gonna make a difference and change it all and have the time of my life. Everything's gonna fall into place. I won't have to make myself feel better anymore. Everything'll be beautiful. It won't be twisted anymore.
I'm going to have a mom. I'll find her one day. I'll find myself. Everything'll straighten out in time and there'll be no more questions. . I won't be scared. . there'll be no more pain. Maybe this Christmas a miracle'll happen.
It's A Wonderful Life is on right now. . . brings back memories.
What if I'd never been born. . . hmm. . .
I wouldn't have my friends. I wouldn't have God. . . well, maybe I would. I don't know what it was like before I was born. I wouldn't have my sister. I love her soo much. I wouldn't be able to see the beautiful world I'm in. Who the fuck am I kidding. I'm miserable, and this is pathetic. It's freezing cold and windy. It's dark. I'm scared. I'd rather be in heaven. In paradise. With all the love in the universe. This is so fucked up.
Okay. No. I'm here for a reason. I'm here to do something. God's gonna get me through it, however He does. . and He'll make sure I have love. Just like he did for George Bailey. My guardian angel's watchin over me. All the saints, all the angels. I'm gonna be so safe. . . In the arms of the angels. I'm gonna be warm. Gonna be free. Gonna have all I ever wanted. . . I will. I'm gonna see the world. I won't be in this room anymore. I'm gonna make a difference and change it all and have the time of my life. Everything's gonna fall into place. I won't have to make myself feel better anymore. Everything'll be beautiful. It won't be twisted anymore.
I'm going to have a mom. I'll find her one day. I'll find myself. Everything'll straighten out in time and there'll be no more questions. . I won't be scared. . there'll be no more pain. Maybe this Christmas a miracle'll happen.
Friday, December 4, 2009
12/04/09
Sometimes Im so amazed at how different we all are. Each of us has our own life. . we've all been through shit, all had our good times. . . some of us are just trying to survive and others are totally basking in all life has to offer. There are so many things we deal with every day. Like, I keep listening to this song by Justin Bieber called "Down to Earth". It's about his parents getting divorced. Some people just have to deal with everyday life at school or work, which can be totally full of drama.
Honestly, I haven't found myself yet. . . but I know I have so much time to. I feel like Ive never had the chance to find myself because I'm constantly preoccupied with stuff going on at my parents house. . all the screaming and cussing and crying and boxes and cold. . etc.
I feel like there are so many different parts to me. I'm definitely very carefree and independent, but I also need love, so, so badly, which I'm definitely not getting right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm a dreamer. . . but other times I feel like dreamers are just people who dream all their life but never accomplish anything. . but I look back on how far I've come and I see just how much I've accomplished. Every day I get through is another day that I'm closer to getting out and making my dreams come true. Every morning I wake up is a miracle. The fact that I'm breathing right now totally blows me away.
One thing I know that I have to do is change the world for the better. It's like, ingrained inside of me. . I cant explain it. I have to be really famous and write books or sing or be an actor and help people through the talents I have. My "dad" only is going to pay for college because he wants me to be a lawyer. No way in hell that's ever gonna happen. . . hahaha :) . I'm gonna fly. . I'm going to be on top of the world. I'm going to be an inspiration. And no one's ever going to tell me I can't do something, because I have something a lot of people don't. I believe in myself, even when no one else does. And that faith has been tested over and over again. . . it gets tested every day. And I'm not perfect. I'm not always right. But I stand up for what I believe in, and Im willing to be different from the crowd about something I'm passionate about.
Today I "snuck" doing a load of laundry while they were out (they dont "believe" in doing laundry). Well, they came back before it was half done. My ears are still ringing. But today, I learned something. I learned how close-minded they are, and I promised myself that no matter what, from now on, I'm always going to keep an open mind, and try my best to keep an open heart. My parents are obsessed with controlling everything because when they were young they never had control of everything. . my grandmother was apparantly abusive to my mother, which I find hard to believe, but. . . the point is, sometimes I'm like that too. I need to have control over things because it's so hard for me to trust anyone else with anything that's important to me, because the people who I should be able to trust the most have screwed me over more times than I can count. But the truth is, if you try to control everything, eventually it's all going to spiral out of control. I need to step back and look at the big picture more, and not worry about useless things that don't matter. I'm going to do so many awesome things. I just have to hold on a little longer. Sure, I'm going to keep crying and get depressed and shatter into a million pieces every time I think about where my real mom is (no way my "mother" is really my mom) but I just have to keep getting back up. At least for the 1 1/2 years I have left. I have to take who I am and make the most out of it. Use all my talents, take all my opportunities, be happy, be free, and have love in my life.
Honestly, I haven't found myself yet. . . but I know I have so much time to. I feel like Ive never had the chance to find myself because I'm constantly preoccupied with stuff going on at my parents house. . all the screaming and cussing and crying and boxes and cold. . etc.
I feel like there are so many different parts to me. I'm definitely very carefree and independent, but I also need love, so, so badly, which I'm definitely not getting right now. Sometimes I feel like I'm a dreamer. . . but other times I feel like dreamers are just people who dream all their life but never accomplish anything. . but I look back on how far I've come and I see just how much I've accomplished. Every day I get through is another day that I'm closer to getting out and making my dreams come true. Every morning I wake up is a miracle. The fact that I'm breathing right now totally blows me away.
One thing I know that I have to do is change the world for the better. It's like, ingrained inside of me. . I cant explain it. I have to be really famous and write books or sing or be an actor and help people through the talents I have. My "dad" only is going to pay for college because he wants me to be a lawyer. No way in hell that's ever gonna happen. . . hahaha :) . I'm gonna fly. . I'm going to be on top of the world. I'm going to be an inspiration. And no one's ever going to tell me I can't do something, because I have something a lot of people don't. I believe in myself, even when no one else does. And that faith has been tested over and over again. . . it gets tested every day. And I'm not perfect. I'm not always right. But I stand up for what I believe in, and Im willing to be different from the crowd about something I'm passionate about.
Today I "snuck" doing a load of laundry while they were out (they dont "believe" in doing laundry). Well, they came back before it was half done. My ears are still ringing. But today, I learned something. I learned how close-minded they are, and I promised myself that no matter what, from now on, I'm always going to keep an open mind, and try my best to keep an open heart. My parents are obsessed with controlling everything because when they were young they never had control of everything. . my grandmother was apparantly abusive to my mother, which I find hard to believe, but. . . the point is, sometimes I'm like that too. I need to have control over things because it's so hard for me to trust anyone else with anything that's important to me, because the people who I should be able to trust the most have screwed me over more times than I can count. But the truth is, if you try to control everything, eventually it's all going to spiral out of control. I need to step back and look at the big picture more, and not worry about useless things that don't matter. I'm going to do so many awesome things. I just have to hold on a little longer. Sure, I'm going to keep crying and get depressed and shatter into a million pieces every time I think about where my real mom is (no way my "mother" is really my mom) but I just have to keep getting back up. At least for the 1 1/2 years I have left. I have to take who I am and make the most out of it. Use all my talents, take all my opportunities, be happy, be free, and have love in my life.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Hail Mary
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Friday, November 20, 2009
11/20/09
I'm so ADD right now. I feel like I'm totally losing control of my thoughts, and my focus. Normally, no matter what, I could be strong. I can force myself to focus on what I want, and make things happen that I need to happen. Right now, and for the past few days, I've felt totally disoriented, I have no idea what's going on around me, I'm calling everyone by the wrong name, I don't know what I want or what I need, and I'm totally out of it. I'm thinking way too much of my parents, and I don't want my life to revolve around them, and their BS, or the way they live. Usually I can ignore them, at least for a while, and be happy doing whatever to distract myself. Now, all I can think about is, when am I going to get out of here, will I ever get out of here, and how will I be able to separate myself from them, since they're so obsessed with controlling me. I'm stressing out about money, because they're putting pressure on me to give them the money I'm getting from the here-and-there jobs I'm doing for neighbors. I need to make an account my name, I need enough money to stand on my own two feet, and I need security. I think what I need most is security - knowing I'm going to be okay, that I'm going to make it and that no one could take that away, and I don't have that feeling at all right now. I feel totally helpless, and it's so annoying that all of this is over them paying for my college, and the fact that I have to keep everything in perfect balance constantly and manage my own sanity vs. pleasing them, so that they still do end up paying. I don't want to be paying off student loans all my life, and I also am scared to go out into the world. I don't know how anything works, and I have really crappy street smarts and common sense, even though I'm learning and getting better as I get out more and more. It's like, I'm willing to work hard to make my dreams, and other peoples' dreams come true, I have huge aspirations and I'm totally going to make it big, but right now I have no foundation. I don't have any connections. . I don't even know how to pump gas or anything about how to go to the bank and get money, or how to work an ATM. . I kind of know how to check out at the store, but it's always awkward because sometimes I forget that the cashier is supposed to give me the receipt, and I'm not supposed to take it or they'll get pissed. I literally feel Amish right now, and this is so embarrassing to talk about in front of 6 billion people (lol okay, more like three) but I really dont care who knows about my story anymore, as long as I can get help. Just the other day I learned how to use a cable TV remote at my neighbor's house. . I felt like a total j-ass. . I'm 16 years old.
Whatever. . I'm stressin out too much, thinking too much about everything, and letting it overwhelm me. I prolly just need sleep. Ugh. . a girl would help so much right now. . I kinda just need someone to hold. . and I need to be held. Hopefully soon I'll find someone. . things would be so much easier. . .
Anyway, everyone, have a good weekend. . Keep praying, keep telling people you know. Something has to change. . . you all are the only people who could help me make that change. And I'm not going to give up that faith in people, in love, and in truth.
Whatever. . I'm stressin out too much, thinking too much about everything, and letting it overwhelm me. I prolly just need sleep. Ugh. . a girl would help so much right now. . I kinda just need someone to hold. . and I need to be held. Hopefully soon I'll find someone. . things would be so much easier. . .
Anyway, everyone, have a good weekend. . Keep praying, keep telling people you know. Something has to change. . . you all are the only people who could help me make that change. And I'm not going to give up that faith in people, in love, and in truth.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
11/17/09
This is the time I usually fill out paid online surveys - it's the only way I have to make money. . . but I haven't blogged for a while, and tonight, I have to write.
Time is going by so, so slowly, and nothing's changing. School is the same. . . waking up at 6, running around from class to class all day. . . but I'm giving it my all. It's the only way I'm going to ever get out of here. I'm trying to be positive, but I feel so helpless, like there's no point in anything anymore. Everyone's telling me to stay strong, but I'm tired. Physically tired, and emotionally tired. I don't know love. . . real, pure, true love. All I know is how to fight, and how to survive. Sometimes I feel like that's all I'll ever know. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going crazy. . . I probably am. But I'd shoot myself before I'd ever let myself turn into her. Sometimes I get out of the house, and I go with my brother or sister for a weekend, or a week. . and I get a glimpse of what the real world is like, and I feel like I'm home. I'm safe, and I'm free. But then the doors close and it's dark again. I'm back in this prison that I never did anything to be in. I'm alone, and scared. . . but what scares me most is how hard I am. I'm distant, and numb - I can't feel anything. I guess it's a defense mechanism because I can't deal with the pain, but. . . I just hope that once I leave I'll still be me. The real me, buried somewhere inside of myself.
Today, she opened my windows while I was at school because she thought it would "help clear up things in my head". It's 40 degrees outside, and I just got home a few hours ago. Then, I got screamed at because I threw away part of a slice of pizza with brown, rotten pepperoni on it. She's so crazy.
This girl Emily called me cute today. . I laughed. My skin is dirty and my hair's matted. . my teeth are yellow and I had a hole in my shirt. It's funny how some people could see through all that. . . or maybe she was just being nice. I cant stand when people are fake like that, though. When I'm around normal people, I always say how I feel. . . it's not worth it to be vague and then not get what you want. When I'm around my parents, though, I always pretend, and I always lie. It's the only way to keep them calm.
Something seriously needs to happen. I'm done with putting on fake faces for different people every day, and pretending everything's fine. I'm done with living double lives. I'm done with their hole for a house, and being their robot. I'm done with being controlled over money. I'm done with this rut I'm living in over little stupid things that can all easily be changed. I'm done with being buried alive. I want to be a movie star in california with a mustang convertible and a dog and a girl. I want to run into the sunrise in a field in the middle of nowhere, just because I can. I want to find the one for me. I want to lay on the beach and watch the sunset, then fall asleep in her arms under the stars. I want to be famous, then help people like me, who the "system" failed. Most of all, I want to have love.
A long time ago, I learned that even when the world lets you down, spits on you, kicks you, tells you you'll never amount to anything - that's when you have to believe in yourself the most. When you're tired, and your eyes are closing, and you don't have anything left in you, get up and keep going. And I'm going to keep going, until every fiber of my body is dead. It's worth me fighting for my future and losing, then stopping now, after all the years I've been here, and all the crap I've been through.
Keep praying. Keep telling people my story. There has to be someone out there who can help.
- Lance
Time is going by so, so slowly, and nothing's changing. School is the same. . . waking up at 6, running around from class to class all day. . . but I'm giving it my all. It's the only way I'm going to ever get out of here. I'm trying to be positive, but I feel so helpless, like there's no point in anything anymore. Everyone's telling me to stay strong, but I'm tired. Physically tired, and emotionally tired. I don't know love. . . real, pure, true love. All I know is how to fight, and how to survive. Sometimes I feel like that's all I'll ever know. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going crazy. . . I probably am. But I'd shoot myself before I'd ever let myself turn into her. Sometimes I get out of the house, and I go with my brother or sister for a weekend, or a week. . and I get a glimpse of what the real world is like, and I feel like I'm home. I'm safe, and I'm free. But then the doors close and it's dark again. I'm back in this prison that I never did anything to be in. I'm alone, and scared. . . but what scares me most is how hard I am. I'm distant, and numb - I can't feel anything. I guess it's a defense mechanism because I can't deal with the pain, but. . . I just hope that once I leave I'll still be me. The real me, buried somewhere inside of myself.
Today, she opened my windows while I was at school because she thought it would "help clear up things in my head". It's 40 degrees outside, and I just got home a few hours ago. Then, I got screamed at because I threw away part of a slice of pizza with brown, rotten pepperoni on it. She's so crazy.
This girl Emily called me cute today. . I laughed. My skin is dirty and my hair's matted. . my teeth are yellow and I had a hole in my shirt. It's funny how some people could see through all that. . . or maybe she was just being nice. I cant stand when people are fake like that, though. When I'm around normal people, I always say how I feel. . . it's not worth it to be vague and then not get what you want. When I'm around my parents, though, I always pretend, and I always lie. It's the only way to keep them calm.
Something seriously needs to happen. I'm done with putting on fake faces for different people every day, and pretending everything's fine. I'm done with living double lives. I'm done with their hole for a house, and being their robot. I'm done with being controlled over money. I'm done with this rut I'm living in over little stupid things that can all easily be changed. I'm done with being buried alive. I want to be a movie star in california with a mustang convertible and a dog and a girl. I want to run into the sunrise in a field in the middle of nowhere, just because I can. I want to find the one for me. I want to lay on the beach and watch the sunset, then fall asleep in her arms under the stars. I want to be famous, then help people like me, who the "system" failed. Most of all, I want to have love.
A long time ago, I learned that even when the world lets you down, spits on you, kicks you, tells you you'll never amount to anything - that's when you have to believe in yourself the most. When you're tired, and your eyes are closing, and you don't have anything left in you, get up and keep going. And I'm going to keep going, until every fiber of my body is dead. It's worth me fighting for my future and losing, then stopping now, after all the years I've been here, and all the crap I've been through.
Keep praying. Keep telling people my story. There has to be someone out there who can help.
- Lance
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