Negativity

It's so hard to try and live a normal, balanced, healthy life, when they're so negative, on top all the other negative impacts they have. Being abusive, hoarding, making the house close to unlivable. . but the negativity is what really hits home sometimes. The cursing, the calling names, the crying, the thinking life is ending because of a small, meaningless thing.

To him, people are cattle. They're only purpose are to be used as another business vice, another negotiation, leverage in a negotiation, or to be kiss ass to if they happen to have more authority than he does. He's the biggest hypocrit in the world because he values his "family" (what's left of it) and money more than everyone else and he tries to get us to be the herders. His new money book that he's reading is called "How to stay rich for life". But he's told me before that I value money more than people because I told him that he should spend the money to put the heat up and buy nicer things vs. buying everything broken or crappy at tag sales, and he told me that "money is great, but the real wealth is in relationships."

Well goddamn it, I'm not a herder, and people aren't cattle. He could take all his money and burn in hell. People are beautiful. . every single one, cause we all have some amount of good inside. Every person that's in our lives is there to teach you something, or to be taught something from you. And every person is a miracle, and human life is a miracle, and life itself is a miracle. He could take his books and his shit and his 15 year old car with 28,000 miles on it and his "smarts" and go to hell.

I also think it's soo hilarious that he thinks that because he has money, he has more power than I do, and because he has "tangible wealth" and he's lived for 60 something years, he's smarter than I am. Guess what? He has power over a piece of paper with pretty green symbols and letters on it. He has power over a number on a bank statement that doesn't even take up a hundredth of the size of the paper. He doesn't respect me, or have power over me at all. If I need money, it's called work when I go to college. It's called student loans. It's called, we live in The United States of Fucking America, and I'm damn fuckin proud of it. He has zilch power over me. Imma find a way, because there always is one. And when he's on his deathbed, and he has that moment we'll all have where we look back on what we accomplished, he'll say, my son and daughter are gone. My house is falling apart. My wife has serious mental problems. I don't give a shit about God. . I only do now that I'm dying. I never got what I wanted because I didn't take the time to find myself. All I cared about was making sure my life on earth was good. With money. So, dad, maybe one day I'll pray for you. But right now, fuck you, because right now I honestly can't find it in myself to forgive you. Sorry, God.

Sorry guys, but I had to get that the fuck outta my system.

I won't stop, because I don't have that option. If I stopped, I'd be dead, and I'd never be able to change things for people like me. I'd never find out what love is. I'd never be able to stop being the 80 year old wise dude, and just be myself. And I'd never be free.

I do have the option to cry, but I'm not going to. Cause I'm so fuckin tired of crying.

So. For tonight, all I can do is wait. Live in the moment, however painful it is, and wait. Every day that goes by is a day I get closer to living. For tonight, I'll go back to being the diplomat. I'll be strong on the outside. I have to hold on.

Today in drivers ed, there was a story about how a drunk driver got into a head-on with a minivan with a boy and his mom in the front. The mom died. When the cops came, he was holding her in his arms. I wish I was him.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pexQPx6tPGc

God, help me through the bitterness. God, help me to find love. God, help me not to die. God, help me to see the truth. God, help me to think clearly. God, help me to be okay. God, help me to love the right way. Help me to learn what love is.