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I spent today helping a neighbor down the street. She's the one with the husband who had the brain tumor who I wanted people to pray for. He got some of his hearing back, so the praying helped. .thanks.

Anyway, I spent the day with her doing mulch stuff outside and just talking about everything. . mostly both of our insane parents. I've known her for a couple months, and we've gotten pretty close. She's my new replacement mom (first it was my sister, then my other neighbor). But Evelyn's different. She understands. And she's young and fun and so nice and she said she loves me and she'd adopt me in a heartbeat if she could help me through college. And. . for the first time in my life, I love her. I feel like she's an older version of me, except she's a girl. Both our parents are a lot alike. . maybe that's why we turned out so much alike. But I love her. . and I also feel like I have a little sister now. . her daughter kim. I used to babysit for her, but now it's more than that. . we wrestle on the floor and we put random shit in each others drinks to piss each other off and I drag her by her feet and she throws blankets on me so I cant see then tackles me and hugs me and I help her with her homework. haha. . doesn't get much more real than that. And I think I met them for a reason and I'm going to have them forever. Least I hope I do. I don't think I could pull myself through gettin abandoned again. I'm tired of fighting that battle and I'd rather close my eyes and let my mind shatter than use another bungee cord.

My grandma that my dad disowned 15 years ago's in the hospital with heart problems. Amazingly my parents went to see her today after not talking to her all those years. . . I guess because he wanted to see her before she died. Parents came back and said she looked fine. . maybe when she dies it'll change the way my dad looks at life. Probably not, though. . don't think anything can, except if my "mother" died. I'm not that sad because I never really knew the woman. I resent that, but it's the truth. I have a feeling, though, that when she goes, she'll go with love, and majesty, because I think that's the way she is in real life. And Im prayin that the pearly gates'll open for her.

I wish I could fall into the sky and live on the clouds, in a different world. But hell, maybe that's what heaven is. I dont really know.

Baby, if you're out there, I love you. I wish you were here. Just wanna hold you for one night.