I'm so ADD right now. I feel like I'm totally losing control of my thoughts, and my focus. Normally, no matter what, I could be strong. I can force myself to focus on what I want, and make things happen that I need to happen. Right now, and for the past few days, I've felt totally disoriented, I have no idea what's going on around me, I'm calling everyone by the wrong name, I don't know what I want or what I need, and I'm totally out of it. I'm thinking way too much of my parents, and I don't want my life to revolve around them, and their BS, or the way they live. Usually I can ignore them, at least for a while, and be happy doing whatever to distract myself. Now, all I can think about is, when am I going to get out of here, will I ever get out of here, and how will I be able to separate myself from them, since they're so obsessed with controlling me. I'm stressing out about money, because they're putting pressure on me to give them the money I'm getting from the here-and-there jobs I'm doing for neighbors. I need to make an account my name, I need enough money to stand on my own two feet, and I need security. I think what I need most is security - knowing I'm going to be okay, that I'm going to make it and that no one could take that away, and I don't have that feeling at all right now. I feel totally helpless, and it's so annoying that all of this is over them paying for my college, and the fact that I have to keep everything in perfect balance constantly and manage my own sanity vs. pleasing them, so that they still do end up paying. I don't want to be paying off student loans all my life, and I also am scared to go out into the world. I don't know how anything works, and I have really crappy street smarts and common sense, even though I'm learning and getting better as I get out more and more. It's like, I'm willing to work hard to make my dreams, and other peoples' dreams come true, I have huge aspirations and I'm totally going to make it big, but right now I have no foundation. I don't have any connections. . I don't even know how to pump gas or anything about how to go to the bank and get money, or how to work an ATM. . I kind of know how to check out at the store, but it's always awkward because sometimes I forget that the cashier is supposed to give me the receipt, and I'm not supposed to take it or they'll get pissed. I literally feel Amish right now, and this is so embarrassing to talk about in front of 6 billion people (lol okay, more like three) but I really dont care who knows about my story anymore, as long as I can get help. Just the other day I learned how to use a cable TV remote at my neighbor's house. . I felt like a total j-ass. . I'm 16 years old.
Whatever. . I'm stressin out too much, thinking too much about everything, and letting it overwhelm me. I prolly just need sleep. Ugh. . a girl would help so much right now. . I kinda just need someone to hold. . and I need to be held. Hopefully soon I'll find someone. . things would be so much easier. . .
Anyway, everyone, have a good weekend. . Keep praying, keep telling people you know. Something has to change. . . you all are the only people who could help me make that change. And I'm not going to give up that faith in people, in love, and in truth.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
11/17/09
This is the time I usually fill out paid online surveys - it's the only way I have to make money. . . but I haven't blogged for a while, and tonight, I have to write.
Time is going by so, so slowly, and nothing's changing. School is the same. . . waking up at 6, running around from class to class all day. . . but I'm giving it my all. It's the only way I'm going to ever get out of here. I'm trying to be positive, but I feel so helpless, like there's no point in anything anymore. Everyone's telling me to stay strong, but I'm tired. Physically tired, and emotionally tired. I don't know love. . . real, pure, true love. All I know is how to fight, and how to survive. Sometimes I feel like that's all I'll ever know. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going crazy. . . I probably am. But I'd shoot myself before I'd ever let myself turn into her. Sometimes I get out of the house, and I go with my brother or sister for a weekend, or a week. . and I get a glimpse of what the real world is like, and I feel like I'm home. I'm safe, and I'm free. But then the doors close and it's dark again. I'm back in this prison that I never did anything to be in. I'm alone, and scared. . . but what scares me most is how hard I am. I'm distant, and numb - I can't feel anything. I guess it's a defense mechanism because I can't deal with the pain, but. . . I just hope that once I leave I'll still be me. The real me, buried somewhere inside of myself.
Today, she opened my windows while I was at school because she thought it would "help clear up things in my head". It's 40 degrees outside, and I just got home a few hours ago. Then, I got screamed at because I threw away part of a slice of pizza with brown, rotten pepperoni on it. She's so crazy.
This girl Emily called me cute today. . I laughed. My skin is dirty and my hair's matted. . my teeth are yellow and I had a hole in my shirt. It's funny how some people could see through all that. . . or maybe she was just being nice. I cant stand when people are fake like that, though. When I'm around normal people, I always say how I feel. . . it's not worth it to be vague and then not get what you want. When I'm around my parents, though, I always pretend, and I always lie. It's the only way to keep them calm.
Something seriously needs to happen. I'm done with putting on fake faces for different people every day, and pretending everything's fine. I'm done with living double lives. I'm done with their hole for a house, and being their robot. I'm done with being controlled over money. I'm done with this rut I'm living in over little stupid things that can all easily be changed. I'm done with being buried alive. I want to be a movie star in california with a mustang convertible and a dog and a girl. I want to run into the sunrise in a field in the middle of nowhere, just because I can. I want to find the one for me. I want to lay on the beach and watch the sunset, then fall asleep in her arms under the stars. I want to be famous, then help people like me, who the "system" failed. Most of all, I want to have love.
A long time ago, I learned that even when the world lets you down, spits on you, kicks you, tells you you'll never amount to anything - that's when you have to believe in yourself the most. When you're tired, and your eyes are closing, and you don't have anything left in you, get up and keep going. And I'm going to keep going, until every fiber of my body is dead. It's worth me fighting for my future and losing, then stopping now, after all the years I've been here, and all the crap I've been through.
Keep praying. Keep telling people my story. There has to be someone out there who can help.
- Lance
Time is going by so, so slowly, and nothing's changing. School is the same. . . waking up at 6, running around from class to class all day. . . but I'm giving it my all. It's the only way I'm going to ever get out of here. I'm trying to be positive, but I feel so helpless, like there's no point in anything anymore. Everyone's telling me to stay strong, but I'm tired. Physically tired, and emotionally tired. I don't know love. . . real, pure, true love. All I know is how to fight, and how to survive. Sometimes I feel like that's all I'll ever know. Sometimes I feel like I'm just going crazy. . . I probably am. But I'd shoot myself before I'd ever let myself turn into her. Sometimes I get out of the house, and I go with my brother or sister for a weekend, or a week. . and I get a glimpse of what the real world is like, and I feel like I'm home. I'm safe, and I'm free. But then the doors close and it's dark again. I'm back in this prison that I never did anything to be in. I'm alone, and scared. . . but what scares me most is how hard I am. I'm distant, and numb - I can't feel anything. I guess it's a defense mechanism because I can't deal with the pain, but. . . I just hope that once I leave I'll still be me. The real me, buried somewhere inside of myself.
Today, she opened my windows while I was at school because she thought it would "help clear up things in my head". It's 40 degrees outside, and I just got home a few hours ago. Then, I got screamed at because I threw away part of a slice of pizza with brown, rotten pepperoni on it. She's so crazy.
This girl Emily called me cute today. . I laughed. My skin is dirty and my hair's matted. . my teeth are yellow and I had a hole in my shirt. It's funny how some people could see through all that. . . or maybe she was just being nice. I cant stand when people are fake like that, though. When I'm around normal people, I always say how I feel. . . it's not worth it to be vague and then not get what you want. When I'm around my parents, though, I always pretend, and I always lie. It's the only way to keep them calm.
Something seriously needs to happen. I'm done with putting on fake faces for different people every day, and pretending everything's fine. I'm done with living double lives. I'm done with their hole for a house, and being their robot. I'm done with being controlled over money. I'm done with this rut I'm living in over little stupid things that can all easily be changed. I'm done with being buried alive. I want to be a movie star in california with a mustang convertible and a dog and a girl. I want to run into the sunrise in a field in the middle of nowhere, just because I can. I want to find the one for me. I want to lay on the beach and watch the sunset, then fall asleep in her arms under the stars. I want to be famous, then help people like me, who the "system" failed. Most of all, I want to have love.
A long time ago, I learned that even when the world lets you down, spits on you, kicks you, tells you you'll never amount to anything - that's when you have to believe in yourself the most. When you're tired, and your eyes are closing, and you don't have anything left in you, get up and keep going. And I'm going to keep going, until every fiber of my body is dead. It's worth me fighting for my future and losing, then stopping now, after all the years I've been here, and all the crap I've been through.
Keep praying. Keep telling people my story. There has to be someone out there who can help.
- Lance
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