Sunday, March 28, 2010
I dont know
So tired. . feel like Im fading. I'll get some things done tonight and tomorrow I'll see civilization. I wish I could sleep for days. My body doesn't feel tired, but my mind does. And my soul. This has never happened to me before. Maybe I just need more sleep. It feels like my brain is shutting down while I'm still awake. It's been like this since yesterday when all the shit happened. Well, if my brain shuts down that'll really suck. But I guess I'll just have to keep going. Whether my brain's on or not, I survived another day. And whether it's on or not, I'm going to survive tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
God Help Me
That's all I have to say. Today was one of the worst days Ive had in a long, long time. I literally thought about hitting her head with a frying pan and shooting him. I'm not even going to go into it because I don't remember everything that happened today or this week and I don't want to remember and there's no point in explaining it. I was helpless. So, God help me. God give me a miracle. God, do something. The fight I'm putting up. . the being rational. . being the diplomat. . agreeing with them. . getting them to shut the mother fucker up. . the amount of effort I put into it anymore is pathetic. And I want to give up. I'm thinking of just graduating and cutting myself off from them early and getting loans no matter if he'd pay college tuition or not. They make me so sick. . I seriously want to barf right n0w. I have so many pent up emotions. . hate. . bitterness. . I can't hold them anymore and I want them to be gone. I don't care about money or college because I know as long as I graduate high school I can figure it out from there. . so many people on my street have had fucked up parents or didn't have any help with money and they're all living in mansions. And I have so many friends who wouldn't let me fall down the tubes.
Right now I have to focus on getting my license. I'm already taking drivers ed which cost like 500 dollars which he paid for from my "bank account" (all my money he can find which he takes and puts in his account). . so, I'll have my license in july of this year. Then I guess I'll see how things are. If they get better I won't cut them off right out of high school. . it all depends on how much I can take and how much I'm willing to play russian roulette with tuition. Once I have my license and I took SATs and I have all the documentation in my hand, I could figure it out. God help me.
Right now I have to focus on getting my license. I'm already taking drivers ed which cost like 500 dollars which he paid for from my "bank account" (all my money he can find which he takes and puts in his account). . so, I'll have my license in july of this year. Then I guess I'll see how things are. If they get better I won't cut them off right out of high school. . it all depends on how much I can take and how much I'm willing to play russian roulette with tuition. Once I have my license and I took SATs and I have all the documentation in my hand, I could figure it out. God help me.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
March 23
Man, I hate nights. I feel like nights are when I'm at my worst. I don't feel like doing anything and I just want to go to bed. I honestly don't know what to feel so I either feel depressed or just tired. Lammeeee. . . I think tonight I will just go to bed. . I could catch up with life tomorrow. Today was so embarrassing. . just like little things made it embarrassing, but all together they were annoying and embarrassing. . haha. God, I wanna cuddle right now. I washed my pillow case so I totally have a clean pillow to cuddle with!! :) Woohoo. No screaming for a while, so that's been good. God, if she started right now. . Id honestly have a breakdown. I cant deal with being tired and not on my game and being screamed at at the same time. But anyway. . okay. Gotta go.
I'm already there. .
Don't make a sound. .
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there till the end
Can you feel
The love that we share?
I'm already there. . .
We might be a thousand miles apart,
But I'll be with you, wherever you are <3
Love ya beautiful. Sometimes I think living like this is a blessing in disguise. . if it weren't for my parents and their chaos, I wouldn't be dreaming of you. I know one day I'll find you, and give you whatever's left. . Promise. I just hope I'll still be in one piece enough for you to love me for me. . whoever me ends up being. Just gotta keep going. I love you.
Please, God. .
I'm already there. .
Don't make a sound. .
I'm the beat in your heart
I'm the moonlight shining down
I'm the whisper in the wind
And I'll be there till the end
Can you feel
The love that we share?
I'm already there. . .
We might be a thousand miles apart,
But I'll be with you, wherever you are <3
Love ya beautiful. Sometimes I think living like this is a blessing in disguise. . if it weren't for my parents and their chaos, I wouldn't be dreaming of you. I know one day I'll find you, and give you whatever's left. . Promise. I just hope I'll still be in one piece enough for you to love me for me. . whoever me ends up being. Just gotta keep going. I love you.
Please, God. .
Monday, March 22, 2010
Negativity
It's so hard to try and live a normal, balanced, healthy life, when they're so negative, on top all the other negative impacts they have. Being abusive, hoarding, making the house close to unlivable. . but the negativity is what really hits home sometimes. The cursing, the calling names, the crying, the thinking life is ending because of a small, meaningless thing.
To him, people are cattle. They're only purpose are to be used as another business vice, another negotiation, leverage in a negotiation, or to be kiss ass to if they happen to have more authority than he does. He's the biggest hypocrit in the world because he values his "family" (what's left of it) and money more than everyone else and he tries to get us to be the herders. His new money book that he's reading is called "How to stay rich for life". But he's told me before that I value money more than people because I told him that he should spend the money to put the heat up and buy nicer things vs. buying everything broken or crappy at tag sales, and he told me that "money is great, but the real wealth is in relationships."
Well goddamn it, I'm not a herder, and people aren't cattle. He could take all his money and burn in hell. People are beautiful. . every single one, cause we all have some amount of good inside. Every person that's in our lives is there to teach you something, or to be taught something from you. And every person is a miracle, and human life is a miracle, and life itself is a miracle. He could take his books and his shit and his 15 year old car with 28,000 miles on it and his "smarts" and go to hell.
I also think it's soo hilarious that he thinks that because he has money, he has more power than I do, and because he has "tangible wealth" and he's lived for 60 something years, he's smarter than I am. Guess what? He has power over a piece of paper with pretty green symbols and letters on it. He has power over a number on a bank statement that doesn't even take up a hundredth of the size of the paper. He doesn't respect me, or have power over me at all. If I need money, it's called work when I go to college. It's called student loans. It's called, we live in The United States of Fucking America, and I'm damn fuckin proud of it. He has zilch power over me. Imma find a way, because there always is one. And when he's on his deathbed, and he has that moment we'll all have where we look back on what we accomplished, he'll say, my son and daughter are gone. My house is falling apart. My wife has serious mental problems. I don't give a shit about God. . I only do now that I'm dying. I never got what I wanted because I didn't take the time to find myself. All I cared about was making sure my life on earth was good. With money. So, dad, maybe one day I'll pray for you. But right now, fuck you, because right now I honestly can't find it in myself to forgive you. Sorry, God.
Sorry guys, but I had to get that the fuck outta my system.
I won't stop, because I don't have that option. If I stopped, I'd be dead, and I'd never be able to change things for people like me. I'd never find out what love is. I'd never be able to stop being the 80 year old wise dude, and just be myself. And I'd never be free.
I do have the option to cry, but I'm not going to. Cause I'm so fuckin tired of crying.
So. For tonight, all I can do is wait. Live in the moment, however painful it is, and wait. Every day that goes by is a day I get closer to living. For tonight, I'll go back to being the diplomat. I'll be strong on the outside. I have to hold on.
Today in drivers ed, there was a story about how a drunk driver got into a head-on with a minivan with a boy and his mom in the front. The mom died. When the cops came, he was holding her in his arms. I wish I was him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pexQPx6tPGc
God, help me through the bitterness. God, help me to find love. God, help me not to die. God, help me to see the truth. God, help me to think clearly. God, help me to be okay. God, help me to love the right way. Help me to learn what love is.
To him, people are cattle. They're only purpose are to be used as another business vice, another negotiation, leverage in a negotiation, or to be kiss ass to if they happen to have more authority than he does. He's the biggest hypocrit in the world because he values his "family" (what's left of it) and money more than everyone else and he tries to get us to be the herders. His new money book that he's reading is called "How to stay rich for life". But he's told me before that I value money more than people because I told him that he should spend the money to put the heat up and buy nicer things vs. buying everything broken or crappy at tag sales, and he told me that "money is great, but the real wealth is in relationships."
Well goddamn it, I'm not a herder, and people aren't cattle. He could take all his money and burn in hell. People are beautiful. . every single one, cause we all have some amount of good inside. Every person that's in our lives is there to teach you something, or to be taught something from you. And every person is a miracle, and human life is a miracle, and life itself is a miracle. He could take his books and his shit and his 15 year old car with 28,000 miles on it and his "smarts" and go to hell.
I also think it's soo hilarious that he thinks that because he has money, he has more power than I do, and because he has "tangible wealth" and he's lived for 60 something years, he's smarter than I am. Guess what? He has power over a piece of paper with pretty green symbols and letters on it. He has power over a number on a bank statement that doesn't even take up a hundredth of the size of the paper. He doesn't respect me, or have power over me at all. If I need money, it's called work when I go to college. It's called student loans. It's called, we live in The United States of Fucking America, and I'm damn fuckin proud of it. He has zilch power over me. Imma find a way, because there always is one. And when he's on his deathbed, and he has that moment we'll all have where we look back on what we accomplished, he'll say, my son and daughter are gone. My house is falling apart. My wife has serious mental problems. I don't give a shit about God. . I only do now that I'm dying. I never got what I wanted because I didn't take the time to find myself. All I cared about was making sure my life on earth was good. With money. So, dad, maybe one day I'll pray for you. But right now, fuck you, because right now I honestly can't find it in myself to forgive you. Sorry, God.
Sorry guys, but I had to get that the fuck outta my system.
I won't stop, because I don't have that option. If I stopped, I'd be dead, and I'd never be able to change things for people like me. I'd never find out what love is. I'd never be able to stop being the 80 year old wise dude, and just be myself. And I'd never be free.
I do have the option to cry, but I'm not going to. Cause I'm so fuckin tired of crying.
So. For tonight, all I can do is wait. Live in the moment, however painful it is, and wait. Every day that goes by is a day I get closer to living. For tonight, I'll go back to being the diplomat. I'll be strong on the outside. I have to hold on.
Today in drivers ed, there was a story about how a drunk driver got into a head-on with a minivan with a boy and his mom in the front. The mom died. When the cops came, he was holding her in his arms. I wish I was him.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pexQPx6tPGc
God, help me through the bitterness. God, help me to find love. God, help me not to die. God, help me to see the truth. God, help me to think clearly. God, help me to be okay. God, help me to love the right way. Help me to learn what love is.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Pick a life. . any life
On the outside,
I have serious eyes.
Dark brown and clear,
They blankly stare past you.
They sparkle because I'm alive.
Wearily fixated on the path ahead
They won't let you see me.
My jaw is clenched
But you can't see. . .
My shoulders are stiff
My chest is braced.
My hands hold on to a part of my future.
I am not afraid.
First Period.
There was homework? Guess you learn something new every day. .
I flash a smile to the person next to me and say hi.
Another lecture on molar heat capacity. .
Time to start last night's math homework.
I walk down the hallway.
Hey Liz.
Heyy Beth!!
Hey Tom, whats up?
Hey Matt.
Hey Mary.
Hey Jade! Did you do the psych. homework?
Hey Kim =].
Hey Josh. . how's tennis comin?
What's up Brett? Not much.
James, where have you been?
Hey. . . what was her name again?
Second period.
Wha. . . Who conquered Napoleon Dynamite?
Como se llama llevaba hablabaria ablahblahblahblah?
The fluorescent lights are so bright.
They're closing in.
Whatever. . guess I'll try tomorrow.
Goodnight.
On the inside, I'm shaking.
I'm sweaty.
Hollywood is life.
I saw death standing in the hallway.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I'm trapped.
I have to run. I have to.
I'm a deer and they're the headlights.
I believe some of what I tell my parents.
Wait. . was I supposed to believe that?
They're inside me.
Get them out. Now.
Run.
What was I thinking just now?
You don't want to know what I'm thinking.
I'm not that innocent.
Sometimes I think I belong in a mental ward.
Millions of identities.
"The human brain can only process three to four pieces of information at once."
What do I want?
What do I want?
What are people?
What do they stand for?
Do they stand for anything?
Do I stand for anything?
Do I care?
I won't give my freedom for God.
I won't let anyone make my choices.
Am I wrong or am I right?
Do I care?
What is time?
What is the difference between movies and reality and why is there a difference?
What am I supposed to learn?
Everything happens for a reason.
What reasons?
. . . What reasons?
Make a change. You have the power to change this.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
Guess I lost my own fight.
Am I a good person?
Am I hot?
You're pathetic.
My teeth are yellow.
No, they're not.
Why can't I just change my life?
Are these all just illusions?
Am I going crazy?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Does that girl know my secret?
Does she even care?
No one cares.
No one cares? That's pathetic.
Fuck that. I care.
I'm gonna make it.
Make it? Define 'make it'.
Really, I'm surprised I can still form logical sentences.
Logical sentences.
1:30. 1:36. 1:40. 1:42. 1:43. 1:44. 1: 45. 1:46. 1:47. 1:48. 1:49. 1:50. 1:53. 1:54. 1:55. 1:56. 1:57. 1:58. 1:59. 2:00. 2:01. 2:02. 2:03. 2:04. 2:05. 2:06. 2:07. 2:08. 2:09. 2:10. 2:11. 2:12.
Attention all students: you are now free from prison and cruel and unusual confinement. Have a good night.
I need a place to rest my head.
For hours. .
Weeks. . .
Months.
I have serious eyes.
Dark brown and clear,
They blankly stare past you.
They sparkle because I'm alive.
Wearily fixated on the path ahead
They won't let you see me.
My jaw is clenched
But you can't see. . .
My shoulders are stiff
My chest is braced.
My hands hold on to a part of my future.
I am not afraid.
First Period.
There was homework? Guess you learn something new every day. .
I flash a smile to the person next to me and say hi.
Another lecture on molar heat capacity. .
Time to start last night's math homework.
I walk down the hallway.
Hey Liz.
Heyy Beth!!
Hey Tom, whats up?
Hey Matt.
Hey Mary.
Hey Jade! Did you do the psych. homework?
Hey Kim =].
Hey Josh. . how's tennis comin?
What's up Brett? Not much.
James, where have you been?
Hey. . . what was her name again?
Second period.
Wha. . . Who conquered Napoleon Dynamite?
Como se llama llevaba hablabaria ablahblahblahblah?
The fluorescent lights are so bright.
They're closing in.
Whatever. . guess I'll try tomorrow.
Goodnight.
On the inside, I'm shaking.
I'm sweaty.
Hollywood is life.
I saw death standing in the hallway.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
I'm trapped.
I have to run. I have to.
I'm a deer and they're the headlights.
I believe some of what I tell my parents.
Wait. . was I supposed to believe that?
They're inside me.
Get them out. Now.
Run.
What was I thinking just now?
You don't want to know what I'm thinking.
I'm not that innocent.
Sometimes I think I belong in a mental ward.
Millions of identities.
"The human brain can only process three to four pieces of information at once."
What do I want?
What do I want?
What are people?
What do they stand for?
Do they stand for anything?
Do I stand for anything?
Do I care?
I won't give my freedom for God.
I won't let anyone make my choices.
Am I wrong or am I right?
Do I care?
What is time?
What is the difference between movies and reality and why is there a difference?
What am I supposed to learn?
Everything happens for a reason.
What reasons?
. . . What reasons?
Make a change. You have the power to change this.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
If you're turning into her stop complaining and do something about it.
I'm turning into her.
Guess I lost my own fight.
Am I a good person?
Am I hot?
You're pathetic.
My teeth are yellow.
No, they're not.
Why can't I just change my life?
Are these all just illusions?
Am I going crazy?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Does that girl know my secret?
Does she even care?
No one cares.
No one cares? That's pathetic.
Fuck that. I care.
I'm gonna make it.
Make it? Define 'make it'.
Really, I'm surprised I can still form logical sentences.
Logical sentences.
1:30. 1:36. 1:40. 1:42. 1:43. 1:44. 1: 45. 1:46. 1:47. 1:48. 1:49. 1:50. 1:53. 1:54. 1:55. 1:56. 1:57. 1:58. 1:59. 2:00. 2:01. 2:02. 2:03. 2:04. 2:05. 2:06. 2:07. 2:08. 2:09. 2:10. 2:11. 2:12.
Attention all students: you are now free from prison and cruel and unusual confinement. Have a good night.
I need a place to rest my head.
For hours. .
Weeks. . .
Months.
Years.
On the outside, I have serious eyes.
I'm falling.
Please, God.
Let them understand.
Who?
I'm always tired. It never changes.
It never stops.
Do I even want to wake up?
Whatever. . I'll figure it out tomorrow.
Goodnight.
Please, God.
Let them understand.
Who?
I'm always tired. It never changes.
It never stops.
Do I even want to wake up?
Whatever. . I'll figure it out tomorrow.
Goodnight.
It's so warm.
Her fingertips glide over my bare chest.
I have goosebumps.
Swimming in a world of cream colored cotton.
Warm and fuzzy. Refined and safe.
The intensely soft shimmering copper sun
Fills in the empty spaces and gives reassurance
To our pasty white, worn bones.
Her silent kisses
Her wild smile.
She has beautiful eyes.
. . .The word beautiful is underused.
Everyone strives for originality.
What if I don't feel like conforming?. . .
She has beautiful eyes.
Let's stay like this forever.
Just like the movies.
She buries her face in my neck
Her hair smells like the ocean
It's my final resting place.
My eyes snap open.
I just lost everything I was holding on to.
I just lost my dreams.
I gave away my heart.
Who am I now? Who was I five minutes ago?
You don't understand. No one understands.
. . What? I don't understand.
Her fingertips glide over my bare chest.
I have goosebumps.
Swimming in a world of cream colored cotton.
Warm and fuzzy. Refined and safe.
The intensely soft shimmering copper sun
Fills in the empty spaces and gives reassurance
To our pasty white, worn bones.
Her silent kisses
Her wild smile.
She has beautiful eyes.
. . .The word beautiful is underused.
Everyone strives for originality.
What if I don't feel like conforming?. . .
She has beautiful eyes.
Let's stay like this forever.
Just like the movies.
She buries her face in my neck
Her hair smells like the ocean
It's my final resting place.
My eyes snap open.
I just lost everything I was holding on to.
I just lost my dreams.
I gave away my heart.
Who am I now? Who was I five minutes ago?
You don't understand. No one understands.
. . What? I don't understand.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Sunday, March 14, 2010
3/14/10
Every time I see them, I get scared. . I've been at my neighbors house most of the day, dogsitting, which the parents let me do. While I was there, I watched a movie about a wife who gets abused by her husband. He married her and he seemed like the perfect guy, but then she found out he was cheating on her and he hit her when she got mad at him. From then on, he kept hitting her if she did something he didn't like, and it kept escalating. And he didn't get all pissed or anything. . he just hit her and said calmly, "I'm the man. And I need another woman to satisfy my needs and desires. You're the wife. Remember your place." How twisted is that?
And I feel like, that's the exact same thing that's going on with them. Sometimes, yeah, they get in a rage and go crazy. . but sometimes. . maybe even more scarier, she does the mind games. It's like I tell her she's crazy, she hits me (figuratively) and says calmly, "what do you mean? i'm completely right. I'm perfect. You're the kid. You're powerless and helpless. Remember your place."
They're so unpredictable and I lie to them every single day about something little and stupid and meaningless, whatever it is. And they're just twisted. . like, it's not something you get help for or something someone else can change. It just is. That's the way they are, and to them there isn't even a question of whether they're right or wrong. I'm so afraid they'll find out. And I keep thinking of the day when I'm gonna cut them off. . and it keeps replaying in my mind. It's probably gonna be the worst day of my life, cause I'm going to have to cut them off and leave and make sure they never could find me, and God, they'll try to. But then I won't have to be scared. . cause physically it'll be me, my friends, and if need be the police against two old people who have no resources and who are insane.
I have to stop thinking about that though. . I'm stressing out about what's gonna happen years from now, and right now I need to get more important things done.
And I feel like, that's the exact same thing that's going on with them. Sometimes, yeah, they get in a rage and go crazy. . but sometimes. . maybe even more scarier, she does the mind games. It's like I tell her she's crazy, she hits me (figuratively) and says calmly, "what do you mean? i'm completely right. I'm perfect. You're the kid. You're powerless and helpless. Remember your place."
They're so unpredictable and I lie to them every single day about something little and stupid and meaningless, whatever it is. And they're just twisted. . like, it's not something you get help for or something someone else can change. It just is. That's the way they are, and to them there isn't even a question of whether they're right or wrong. I'm so afraid they'll find out. And I keep thinking of the day when I'm gonna cut them off. . and it keeps replaying in my mind. It's probably gonna be the worst day of my life, cause I'm going to have to cut them off and leave and make sure they never could find me, and God, they'll try to. But then I won't have to be scared. . cause physically it'll be me, my friends, and if need be the police against two old people who have no resources and who are insane.
I have to stop thinking about that though. . I'm stressing out about what's gonna happen years from now, and right now I need to get more important things done.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Lessons
Just finished watching Tuesdays with Morrie. Great movie. Morrie and I are so similar in so many ways. . we both believe in love completely. . we both want to be held when things are bad. . or good, or just because. We both feel the pain in the morning and at night. Morrie cries in the morning cause he knows he's gonna die, but then shakes the dust off his hands and decides to stop feeling sorry for himself because he knows it's not getting him anywhere. Usually in the morning I hold my pillow real close and pretend it's my soulmate. . and I guess I just hold her and pretend she's holding me. Nights are when I cry. . I don't know. . I think it's a weird Libra thing. I always wake up and I'm fine and my scales are balanced but by night they're goin crazy and I know I need sleep.
Morrie also showed me how important it is for me to forgive my parents, but leave them behind once I'm gone. Whenever I go out into the real world, with my friends outside of school on the rare times I can get out to go with them, I see what the real world's like. People are free and they don't waste their lives away worrying about their "mother" going berserk because they had a yogurt. . they don't go sneaking around their house for food or for a jacket. They're not constantly worrying about college and money and all this crap. They just. . are. They are what they are and they do what they do and they live in the moment, and that's what I have to try to do more, even with the limits I have because of my parents. But one thing's for sure - once I'm free, I'm never going to conform to their little twisted world again.
I'm still finding myself. Morrie taught me so much, but also helped me realize I still have so much to learn. Morrie's a lot like me in that he realizes that you don't have to be a goody two shoes in order to have love. So much is about policy and all these meaningless laws and consumerism and politics and avoiding wars and money. Honestly, screw it. I can stick to the 10 commandments and be perfectly happy, thank you. So many people are wrapped up in policy and money and work that they don't take the time to look at the big picture. Where are we, and what do we want? No, not the raise. Not the new gadget. What do we really, truly want inside our hearts? And the thing is, it changes all the time. We constantly have to reassess what we want, but the most important thing is, we have to approach everything with love.
People have told me before that I should be a therapist, or a motivational speaker, or a priest. No, maybe, and no. Even I don't have the patience to sit in an office all day and listen to people's problems. Yeah, I'm sure I could help, but I know that's not what I was meant to do. A motivational speaker, maybe. . I'm definitely good at not giving up, and motivating myself to keep going. . I'm sure I could motivate other people. And a priest? Honestly? Gimme a break. I'd get fired my first night on the job. I'd turn the church into a club and be hung over the next day.
But anyway it's getting late. I need sleep, and I need to start my pillow holding routine. Love ya baby. . wherever you are. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Morrie also showed me how important it is for me to forgive my parents, but leave them behind once I'm gone. Whenever I go out into the real world, with my friends outside of school on the rare times I can get out to go with them, I see what the real world's like. People are free and they don't waste their lives away worrying about their "mother" going berserk because they had a yogurt. . they don't go sneaking around their house for food or for a jacket. They're not constantly worrying about college and money and all this crap. They just. . are. They are what they are and they do what they do and they live in the moment, and that's what I have to try to do more, even with the limits I have because of my parents. But one thing's for sure - once I'm free, I'm never going to conform to their little twisted world again.
I'm still finding myself. Morrie taught me so much, but also helped me realize I still have so much to learn. Morrie's a lot like me in that he realizes that you don't have to be a goody two shoes in order to have love. So much is about policy and all these meaningless laws and consumerism and politics and avoiding wars and money. Honestly, screw it. I can stick to the 10 commandments and be perfectly happy, thank you. So many people are wrapped up in policy and money and work that they don't take the time to look at the big picture. Where are we, and what do we want? No, not the raise. Not the new gadget. What do we really, truly want inside our hearts? And the thing is, it changes all the time. We constantly have to reassess what we want, but the most important thing is, we have to approach everything with love.
People have told me before that I should be a therapist, or a motivational speaker, or a priest. No, maybe, and no. Even I don't have the patience to sit in an office all day and listen to people's problems. Yeah, I'm sure I could help, but I know that's not what I was meant to do. A motivational speaker, maybe. . I'm definitely good at not giving up, and motivating myself to keep going. . I'm sure I could motivate other people. And a priest? Honestly? Gimme a break. I'd get fired my first night on the job. I'd turn the church into a club and be hung over the next day.
But anyway it's getting late. I need sleep, and I need to start my pillow holding routine. Love ya baby. . wherever you are. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
"You can't know how to live, until you learn how to die."
"We either love each other, or we die."
"We either love each other, or we die."
--- Morrie
Thursday, March 11, 2010
3/11/10
I feel like crying again. . I'm so afraid. I had dinner with my neighbor down the street and we went to get ice cream with her daughter but I told them I was babysitting and I'm so afraid they'll find out. I know I sound like a total wuss and I sound like a two year old and I'm trying to control it but I can't. You don't know what they'd do to me if they found out. . I'd lose their trust again. . and then it's goodbye college. God help me if I give up now. There's so much drama and so much pressure. I know I need to loosen up and I seriously am trying to. . like every two seconds I'm stopping myself and telling myself that I'm totally overreacting. I'm doing the thing where you breathe in and out for ten seconds. But then it just keeps coming back. I don't know what to do. .
Anyway, just writing all that helped a little. I was talking to my neighbor and found out that she had an insane mother too. . got out, then went into a physically abusive relationship for 6 years. Now she has a huge house, an audi A4, and her husband has a beamer and a porsche boxter that he races. And they have an awesome daughter who I babysit for. The husband has all kinds of problems. . he had a tumor in his spine, got it removed but the nerves got damaged, and now he has really bad pain all the time in his feet. . almost had to have them amputated. And he's deaf in one ear and losing the other one. But he still made his dream come true. Both of them did.
God, I'm so scared. I'm soo scared.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPfeu1Q8cQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_TL9YFemic
Anyway, just writing all that helped a little. I was talking to my neighbor and found out that she had an insane mother too. . got out, then went into a physically abusive relationship for 6 years. Now she has a huge house, an audi A4, and her husband has a beamer and a porsche boxter that he races. And they have an awesome daughter who I babysit for. The husband has all kinds of problems. . he had a tumor in his spine, got it removed but the nerves got damaged, and now he has really bad pain all the time in his feet. . almost had to have them amputated. And he's deaf in one ear and losing the other one. But he still made his dream come true. Both of them did.
God, I'm so scared. I'm soo scared.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPfeu1Q8cQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_TL9YFemic
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
March something 2010
I feel like crying right now. I can't believe I still talk to my dad and her after all they've done. It's like someone punching you in the face one day, and the next day you pretend it didn't happen, so they think it's okay to keep punching you in the face. I'm so torn inside and I can't keep doing the split personality bullshit. Maybe the only way not to turn into a mindless robot is to cry and get depressed. . . at least I'm recognizing that I'm pretending instead of convincing myself back and forth every time I have to talk to them and then go and be a normal person. They turned off the heat and the low for tonight is 34.
I want my baby, and I want a mom, and I want to be ok.
I want my baby, and I want a mom, and I want to be ok.
“Tears are the safety valve of the heart when too much pressure is laid on it.”
“Tears are words the heart can't express”
“Tears are words the heart can't express”
Monday, March 8, 2010
3/8/10
I have the best neighbors in the world :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjuP7DhRTPs
I'm so pumped right now. Once again, life's put an obstacle in my way and I (with some help) found a way around it. My parents can tell me I'll never amount to anything unless I'm a lawyer or a doctor all they want. They can threaten me and call me names and say I'm not worth the gas to be driven to practice. . Well guess what? I'm gonna be a soccer star. Or a lacrosse star. Or a tennis star. Or a basketball star. Or a whatever the hell I want to be star.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnm3YbuPWfo
They can say I'm a useless kid and call me a brat and tell me how awesome my life is in their twisted way. They can keep the heat at 45 degrees all they want. Hell, don't even put the heat on. Save some more money. I'll survive. I have friends. And I have love. And I'm smart. I'm like a skyscraper, and they're like a little ant in their 15 year old car with a dresser from a tag sale strapped to the roof.
Cry to me all you want, lady. Tell me I'm a mistake, and if you'd known about how horrible I'd me that you wouldn't have had me. Bring it on. Turn all the fuckin lights off in your house and grow all the mold you want on the walls and have all the rats you want in the roof and water down all the milk you want and give me mold to eat and then tell me that you're sorry for me and I need help. Scream at me all you want over nothing. Waste your life away. Cry and scream and sleep and watch oprah and 20/20 cause those are the only channels you get all you want. Use your 20 year old toothpaste and wonder why your teeth are falling apart. Call me "the kid" and "the boy" all you want. Guess what? Fuck you. Guess what? I'm proud of bein a dude. I'm proud of being young and having my whole life in front of me once I get out of your hellhole of a house and your little twisted world. I'm proud of who I am and my soul and everything God blessed me with.
hahaha. . she really thinks she scares me? she's a joke. well, I have a funnier one. Cruisin down the street in my dark blue stang GT with white racing stripes blasting eminem or jay-z. turning every girl's head on the street. coming to a stoplight. . when it turns green, squealing my tires and shooting away. Bein on top of the world. Seeing all there is to see. Making a difference. Learning something new every day. Laying in the middle of nowhere and watching the stars. Holding her so close I could feel her heartbeat on my side. Smiling, laughing, and telling someone I love them at least once a day. Wishing the night would never end. Telling her all my secrets. Always going to sleep warm, with soft, white sheets, and always waking up to sunshine. Crying tears of joy. Getting in my car and driving XC just cause I feel like it. Whispering 'I love you' to her to wake her up in the morning. Teasing her then kissing her when she opens her mouth to say something. Showing the world. Going on an adventure.
Bring it on, lady. I'm gonna go to college and meet the girl of my dreams and get married. You dont scare me.
The background on my computer is birds flying away over the ocean. . if you scroll down you can see it. Soon, I'm gonna be one.
I have love.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yjuP7DhRTPs
I'm so pumped right now. Once again, life's put an obstacle in my way and I (with some help) found a way around it. My parents can tell me I'll never amount to anything unless I'm a lawyer or a doctor all they want. They can threaten me and call me names and say I'm not worth the gas to be driven to practice. . Well guess what? I'm gonna be a soccer star. Or a lacrosse star. Or a tennis star. Or a basketball star. Or a whatever the hell I want to be star.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fnm3YbuPWfo
They can say I'm a useless kid and call me a brat and tell me how awesome my life is in their twisted way. They can keep the heat at 45 degrees all they want. Hell, don't even put the heat on. Save some more money. I'll survive. I have friends. And I have love. And I'm smart. I'm like a skyscraper, and they're like a little ant in their 15 year old car with a dresser from a tag sale strapped to the roof.
Cry to me all you want, lady. Tell me I'm a mistake, and if you'd known about how horrible I'd me that you wouldn't have had me. Bring it on. Turn all the fuckin lights off in your house and grow all the mold you want on the walls and have all the rats you want in the roof and water down all the milk you want and give me mold to eat and then tell me that you're sorry for me and I need help. Scream at me all you want over nothing. Waste your life away. Cry and scream and sleep and watch oprah and 20/20 cause those are the only channels you get all you want. Use your 20 year old toothpaste and wonder why your teeth are falling apart. Call me "the kid" and "the boy" all you want. Guess what? Fuck you. Guess what? I'm proud of bein a dude. I'm proud of being young and having my whole life in front of me once I get out of your hellhole of a house and your little twisted world. I'm proud of who I am and my soul and everything God blessed me with.
hahaha. . she really thinks she scares me? she's a joke. well, I have a funnier one. Cruisin down the street in my dark blue stang GT with white racing stripes blasting eminem or jay-z. turning every girl's head on the street. coming to a stoplight. . when it turns green, squealing my tires and shooting away. Bein on top of the world. Seeing all there is to see. Making a difference. Learning something new every day. Laying in the middle of nowhere and watching the stars. Holding her so close I could feel her heartbeat on my side. Smiling, laughing, and telling someone I love them at least once a day. Wishing the night would never end. Telling her all my secrets. Always going to sleep warm, with soft, white sheets, and always waking up to sunshine. Crying tears of joy. Getting in my car and driving XC just cause I feel like it. Whispering 'I love you' to her to wake her up in the morning. Teasing her then kissing her when she opens her mouth to say something. Showing the world. Going on an adventure.
Bring it on, lady. I'm gonna go to college and meet the girl of my dreams and get married. You dont scare me.
The background on my computer is birds flying away over the ocean. . if you scroll down you can see it. Soon, I'm gonna be one.
I have love.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
3/7/10
Awesome song that a friend from YT sent me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
How I feel right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-Olz17yHCU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw
How I feel right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-Olz17yHCU
Friday, March 5, 2010
3/5/10
School was horrible. I got totally stressed out and worried last night, I went to bed at like, 2, then I go in today. . the morning was okay. . not the best, but okay. . lunch was crappy (old chili burgers) and I wasted my money on it, so then I'm copying my friend's homework in english for next class, my annoying friends point out to the teacher that I'm copying homework (I didn't think anyone was going to do anything cause she's really laid back. . they prolly didn't think she would either) and she takes it and gives it to my spanish teacher, along with some other kids who were copying the same homework cause none of us got how to do it. So then we go to last period spanish, the kid I was copying it from flips out because my english teacher took his work too, my friend behind me's crying cause he's afraid we're gonna get kicked out of national honor society. . I feel like shit because I went through hell last night and now I have to deal with this. . it was totally crazy. So then she gives a speech to the class about not copying. . I want to melt into the floor and I feel sick and I don't want to be alive cause this was the same teacher I cried to and told everything about my parents a couple days ago. . I go on autopilot all class waiting for it to be over. . talked to her after class and she let us off with a zero (she could have done a lot worse. . like made us get suspension. . and Ive never gotten even a detention in my life) and I covered for the kid I was copying it from so she didn't do anything to him. Then I got home and I had to deal with my mother, then I went for a long walk and froze, then I looked at the stars and thought about aliens, then I came back and now I'm here!! Hahaha :)
Oh and there was a catfight RIGHT behind me in lunch between two girls that I never would have imagined getting in a fist fight. I just stood there cause I honestly didn't know what to do. . they were like freakin that cyclone guy from Looney Toons. . so my friend Bri broke it up. .
haha if I ever got in a fight I'd be deaadd.
So, the almost getting in a lotta trouble kinda shook me up a little bit. I'm not going to go fight all my life through all the BS to get everything go down the tubes because I copied some person's spanish homework. Maybe it was a karma thing cause I've been copying everyone and their mother's work lately. . totally dont' have any motivation, and half the time I can't even keep my eyes open. She doesn't come in my room in the middle of the night anymore (at least I don't think she does) but she still keeps waking me up with her screaming/scary animal whimpering sounds in the next room at 2 AM. (That's what she said.)
I have to try and work harder, not copy as often, and not let the BS affect me as much. It's just. . walking through the halls or whatever. . or wherever I am. The tears start welling up, and I can't even control them. . even if I close my eyes and take deep breaths. . even if I'm not thinking about my parents. They'll go away for 30 seconds, then come back. I feel like I'm boiling over with being depressed sometimes. I dont' know. . whatever. I'll figure it out, and everything'll be fine. Right now, I need to illegally watch a movie and relax.
Oh and there was a catfight RIGHT behind me in lunch between two girls that I never would have imagined getting in a fist fight. I just stood there cause I honestly didn't know what to do. . they were like freakin that cyclone guy from Looney Toons. . so my friend Bri broke it up. .
haha if I ever got in a fight I'd be deaadd.
So, the almost getting in a lotta trouble kinda shook me up a little bit. I'm not going to go fight all my life through all the BS to get everything go down the tubes because I copied some person's spanish homework. Maybe it was a karma thing cause I've been copying everyone and their mother's work lately. . totally dont' have any motivation, and half the time I can't even keep my eyes open. She doesn't come in my room in the middle of the night anymore (at least I don't think she does) but she still keeps waking me up with her screaming/scary animal whimpering sounds in the next room at 2 AM. (That's what she said.)
I have to try and work harder, not copy as often, and not let the BS affect me as much. It's just. . walking through the halls or whatever. . or wherever I am. The tears start welling up, and I can't even control them. . even if I close my eyes and take deep breaths. . even if I'm not thinking about my parents. They'll go away for 30 seconds, then come back. I feel like I'm boiling over with being depressed sometimes. I dont' know. . whatever. I'll figure it out, and everything'll be fine. Right now, I need to illegally watch a movie and relax.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Scared
They're out right now, and I just did two loads of laundry and babysat without telling them because I don't want them to know I just made 20 dollars. I heard a car door close outside before (it was the neighbor's) and I panicked. I'm so fuckin sick of being scared of them and what they'll do to me. I'm fuckin sick of shutting down whenever someone screams at me, and making up stories.
I feel depressed, tired, helpless, hopeless, and pathetic. I'm in a cage. I need to be held. I want to run away. I want to take their car, and run away right now. I could be halfway across new york by the time they get home.
I have to go. . they'll be home in a couple hours. I don't need to run away. . I'm going to be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Everything'll be okay. I'll be safe.
I feel depressed, tired, helpless, hopeless, and pathetic. I'm in a cage. I need to be held. I want to run away. I want to take their car, and run away right now. I could be halfway across new york by the time they get home.
I have to go. . they'll be home in a couple hours. I don't need to run away. . I'm going to be okay. I'm gonna be okay. Everything'll be okay. I'll be safe.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
3/1/10
So much has been happening. . for the past week and half, it's been like a yo-yo. . one minute she's pissed off and crying. . then she's quiet. She did her mind games to me on sunday. Saturday she tried to keep me in the house. . I ran, then I cried. . I couldn't deal with it. Today I totally broke down to my spanish teacher after school and got screamed by him cause I was late so then I had to lie about why I was late. . I said I had a meeting that ran over. I almost pulled an all nighter last night to do three projects. . got one done, then I was like, screw it. . and went to bed at 1:40. I hugged my science teacher today (the ex-bio teacher that knows everything). Andd four people just IMed me on facebook and now my computer's freezing. To be continued I guess.
God. . I'm gonna drink so much hot chocolate and gatorade and root beer when this is over. Have a little umbrella in my hot chocolate. . on the beach. . surrounded by hot girls. . and an air conditioner. In Cali. Now you're talkin. . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S6CwWO8v5c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk
Love ya sweetheart (I know. . I sound like an 80 year old lady, but gimme a break. . Im running on four hours of sleep!!). Seriously though. . love you. . I still don't think I know you. . but. . I hope things with you are goin really good. I promise by the time I meet you. . I'll be all fixed. If I can be half the dude you dreamed of, I'll be happy. Okay. . more like three quarters xD. . I'm gonna hold you so close. . we're gonna make so many dreams come true. And I promise I'll aalllwayys be there for you. . no matter what. I'll be your rock. Things'll be so beautiful and I'll be so healthy and we'll live in an apartment in a skyscraper and watch the sun set every night. The air'll be clean and we'll have a cat or two. . . hahaa. Four hours of sleep.
But anyway. . I want you to know that to me, you'll be the most special girl in the world. You'll be the most special girl in the world, period. xoxoxo
God. . I'm gonna drink so much hot chocolate and gatorade and root beer when this is over. Have a little umbrella in my hot chocolate. . on the beach. . surrounded by hot girls. . and an air conditioner. In Cali. Now you're talkin. . .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_S6CwWO8v5c
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MeKxSme72dk
Love ya sweetheart (I know. . I sound like an 80 year old lady, but gimme a break. . Im running on four hours of sleep!!). Seriously though. . love you. . I still don't think I know you. . but. . I hope things with you are goin really good. I promise by the time I meet you. . I'll be all fixed. If I can be half the dude you dreamed of, I'll be happy. Okay. . more like three quarters xD. . I'm gonna hold you so close. . we're gonna make so many dreams come true. And I promise I'll aalllwayys be there for you. . no matter what. I'll be your rock. Things'll be so beautiful and I'll be so healthy and we'll live in an apartment in a skyscraper and watch the sun set every night. The air'll be clean and we'll have a cat or two. . . hahaa. Four hours of sleep.
But anyway. . I want you to know that to me, you'll be the most special girl in the world. You'll be the most special girl in the world, period. xoxoxo
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