Accomplishments aren't always what they seem.
It's not always the same old story about how you
Have a Dream
And you try and try and try and try
And you make dreams come true;
You fly.
Sometimes it's the little things
Just getting through the day
Finding the time to pray.
Answering a question
Letting go
And being free
Showing the world
Your creativity
Taking things one step at a time
Using your originality
Then finding love
Changing the world
Standing out
Not being afraid
Bring brave
Showing courage
Perserverance
Optimism
Truth
Independence
Love
Learning from mistakes
Loyalty
Giving
Adapting
Understanding beauty
Seeing
Laughing
And at the end of the day
You see all you've done. . .
You made a difference
You did it, you won.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
4/25/10
Im about to go to bed, but just gonna write somethin quick before I do. Right now Im just hoping that the next 36 days'll be okay. I have a lot of improving to do, and a lot of surviving at the same time, like always. I'm still scared and (to a point) insecure, like always, also. I also have a lot of being a kid while I still can to do :). Andd a lot of figuring out love to do. . maybe finding deeper love in some people. I'll be free soon. . I can do this.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
4/24/10
Wow. So, I just spent a week at my brother's apartment (not perfect, but a lot better than here) and I have some new things to say.
So, I just read some of my blog, and I realized that in the past few weeks I've been slipping a little bit. Grades wise, sanity wise, emotionally wise. . just in a lot of ways. Some of what I wrote in my blog didn't make sense, or it was weird. I guess when you live in a crazy house, you go a little crazy sometimes yourself. But I got to sleep all through the night while I was at his place, and I got good food and it was comfortable and I got to relax and chill. . so, I feel a lot better now.
My blog has been crazy to say the least. It's all over the place, I guess because my life is all over the place and here is where I let things out, no matter how messed up they are, or how crazy or weird.
I also realized that within myself, there's a lot of different people. There's the person I turn into when I walk in the door of this house, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to friends, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to adults, and then there's other personalities that I can't really describe. I think a small part of me is living on a totally different planet. That part of me is living in my fantasy world where everything's okay and I'm safe and happy and everything's how I want it. Then I also have a badass personality. And I also have a survivor mode/personality that just focuses on staying alive and passing time.
When I write in this blog, I feel like all my personalities are fighting to show themselves in what I say, and a lot of times everything comes out jumbled, but sometimes I see myself (at least who I think "myself" is) in what I say, if that makes sense.
I think most of the personalities I have are necessary. Who I am when I'm dealing with my parents is necessary to make them not go crazy, and some other personalities are defense mechanisms, like the fantasy one. I'm creating my own world to live in to help myself believe that I'm okay, and I'm in a stable environment. I think what I need to do is, even though I still have to have different personalities to survive, I have to recognize them more, and realize that not all of them are reality, and try to bring myself down to earth instead of floating in the clouds all the time. I also have to expand my horizons and try to be more balanced, even with the limitations of living here and dealing with them.
Okay. . . I guess that's all for tonight. Some of these things were kind of a wake up call and hopefully I can use them to power through the rest of the school year. I definitely think I'm going to get therapy once I have a job and a steady income, even if I think I have it all sorted out on my own. The good news is, it's almost the end of the school year so some of the stress'll be gone. I just have to make sure I see enough friends this summer and I don't let myself get isolated from everyone by my parents. I'm gonna be okay, I'm gonna stay strong, I'm gonna keep my grades up, I'm gonna keep it real, and hopefully I'm gonna find someone that loves me.
So, I just read some of my blog, and I realized that in the past few weeks I've been slipping a little bit. Grades wise, sanity wise, emotionally wise. . just in a lot of ways. Some of what I wrote in my blog didn't make sense, or it was weird. I guess when you live in a crazy house, you go a little crazy sometimes yourself. But I got to sleep all through the night while I was at his place, and I got good food and it was comfortable and I got to relax and chill. . so, I feel a lot better now.
My blog has been crazy to say the least. It's all over the place, I guess because my life is all over the place and here is where I let things out, no matter how messed up they are, or how crazy or weird.
I also realized that within myself, there's a lot of different people. There's the person I turn into when I walk in the door of this house, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to friends, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to adults, and then there's other personalities that I can't really describe. I think a small part of me is living on a totally different planet. That part of me is living in my fantasy world where everything's okay and I'm safe and happy and everything's how I want it. Then I also have a badass personality. And I also have a survivor mode/personality that just focuses on staying alive and passing time.
When I write in this blog, I feel like all my personalities are fighting to show themselves in what I say, and a lot of times everything comes out jumbled, but sometimes I see myself (at least who I think "myself" is) in what I say, if that makes sense.
I think most of the personalities I have are necessary. Who I am when I'm dealing with my parents is necessary to make them not go crazy, and some other personalities are defense mechanisms, like the fantasy one. I'm creating my own world to live in to help myself believe that I'm okay, and I'm in a stable environment. I think what I need to do is, even though I still have to have different personalities to survive, I have to recognize them more, and realize that not all of them are reality, and try to bring myself down to earth instead of floating in the clouds all the time. I also have to expand my horizons and try to be more balanced, even with the limitations of living here and dealing with them.
Okay. . . I guess that's all for tonight. Some of these things were kind of a wake up call and hopefully I can use them to power through the rest of the school year. I definitely think I'm going to get therapy once I have a job and a steady income, even if I think I have it all sorted out on my own. The good news is, it's almost the end of the school year so some of the stress'll be gone. I just have to make sure I see enough friends this summer and I don't let myself get isolated from everyone by my parents. I'm gonna be okay, I'm gonna stay strong, I'm gonna keep my grades up, I'm gonna keep it real, and hopefully I'm gonna find someone that loves me.
4/21/10
I spent spring break at my brother's apartment in PA to get away from here. I couldn't log into my blog, so I wrote this entry on paper. It's mostly just a lot of thoughts all on one page:
Sometimes I think none of this is real. I think I'm telling a story. . making all of this up in my head. If it weren't for the hoarding, maybe I'd go crazy. Maybe the hoarding and the bad memories are making me crazy, because they're real.
I think when I write, I'm protecting a part of myself. . and keeping it away from the rest of me. Keeping me from going crazy.
My psych teacher doesn't really think feelings are real cause we can control what we feel. I hate psychology. . all it is is knowing what human instinct is and manipulating it. It takes away the magic and the mystery.
A lotta times I don't like being smart. It means I always have all these thoughts whirling around in my head. It means I overthink everything, and I have the capacity to understand things more deeply. . and a lot of the things aren't so pretty. It also means I know how to survive, and how to plan, but how smart to you have to be to survive? Cavemen did it. . .
I guess the best thing about it is I have potential, and I could use it to get ahead later on.
Tony's still real tense, but he's getting better. I just hope he never gets like our parents.
I'm scared cause I know a lot of my fantasies of love won't come true, at least not in high school. And once I give my heart to someone. . truly give my heart to someone. . I don't know how I'll survive if we break up, and all my dreams come crashing down.
I don't know. . but for now I need to rest. I just want to feel what love is.
Sometimes I think none of this is real. I think I'm telling a story. . making all of this up in my head. If it weren't for the hoarding, maybe I'd go crazy. Maybe the hoarding and the bad memories are making me crazy, because they're real.
I think when I write, I'm protecting a part of myself. . and keeping it away from the rest of me. Keeping me from going crazy.
My psych teacher doesn't really think feelings are real cause we can control what we feel. I hate psychology. . all it is is knowing what human instinct is and manipulating it. It takes away the magic and the mystery.
A lotta times I don't like being smart. It means I always have all these thoughts whirling around in my head. It means I overthink everything, and I have the capacity to understand things more deeply. . and a lot of the things aren't so pretty. It also means I know how to survive, and how to plan, but how smart to you have to be to survive? Cavemen did it. . .
I guess the best thing about it is I have potential, and I could use it to get ahead later on.
Tony's still real tense, but he's getting better. I just hope he never gets like our parents.
I'm scared cause I know a lot of my fantasies of love won't come true, at least not in high school. And once I give my heart to someone. . truly give my heart to someone. . I don't know how I'll survive if we break up, and all my dreams come crashing down.
I don't know. . but for now I need to rest. I just want to feel what love is.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Please forward, please help
Just now, I flipped to a random page in the Bible, and this is what it said:
Galatians: 5:1 - For freedom Christ set us free; so stand firm and do not submit again to the yoke of slavery.
We all face challenges and uncertainties. We all face tears, anxiety, and feelings of helplessness when faced with those challenges. It's the most difficult thing in the world to deal with because none of us know what'll happen in the next minute, the next hour, the next day, the next year, or the course our lives will take. Satan is always trying to trick us or beat us down into a hole. He wants to break us. . break our spirits, and break our love. But what he doesn't realize is, love can't be broken. Human beings can choose not to be broken. God will not be broken. And all the beautiful things in the world, and all our blessings will not be broken if we choose not to let them become broken.
God set us free. He gave us our own will, our own ability to reason and make choices. Some of us are naturally better suited to enduring, physically and mentally, depending on the physical body we have, and brain. But you can't make me believe that someone who wasn't blessed with as good health physically, or as good a situation physically, can't believe. Sometimes just thinking we're trapped, physically trapped, and thinking something's out of our control, it forces reality to be that way. . and it doesn't have to be. Even if all the believing in the world doesn't change something the way we expected it to (it never hurts to believe in changing something specific), it will still change something that needs to be changed in our lives. That something could be so small we never notice it, or so huge that it's life-changing, but it's still there, simply through the power of the mind, and through hope.
One of my neighbors is going through a really tough time right now. He might lose his hearing, and has a brain tumor (causing him to possibly lose his hearing). The doctors say there's a 50/50 chance. He might have to have a machine implanted in his head and attached to his ear all his life, or might need surgery to take the tumor out, or a miracle might happen, or the worst could happen - him being deaf permanently, or any combination of any of those things. I need anyone who can hear me, anyone who's listening, to pray for him, and pray for this family who's done so much for me. They're kinda like my second parents, and I love them. So, ask God to take care of them, help him get better, and if not, ask God for there to be a bigger plan than what's happening now. The family needs strength and hope. So, I need you guys to pray for that.
Me, I think I just need sleep to get out of this fog. Sorry if some of the stuff I said didn't make sense. Keep praying and keep believing. We need Novenas. We'll all wake up tomorrow.
God, I need you to send a powerful force or a powerful something that'll help us right now. All of us. I need you to help me see the way you're guiding me. Shine the light brighter through the fog. I need you to let me have my freedom but help me heal, and help all of us heal. I need you to help me follow you. Tonight is when I need you to carry me so there's only one set of footprints. Carry all of us. Please help us.
Everyone reading this, please put aside my situation and forward this to anyone who'll listen, please pray for this family, who's become my family. I know you see tons of things every day asking you to forward things or do things for other people, but just for one day, all Im asking is that we get as many prayers as possible. I can't even really see what Im typing right now. Please pray for us. Like I said, tomorrow's a new day.
God set us free. He gave us our own will, our own ability to reason and make choices. Some of us are naturally better suited to enduring, physically and mentally, depending on the physical body we have, and brain. But you can't make me believe that someone who wasn't blessed with as good health physically, or as good a situation physically, can't believe. Sometimes just thinking we're trapped, physically trapped, and thinking something's out of our control, it forces reality to be that way. . and it doesn't have to be. Even if all the believing in the world doesn't change something the way we expected it to (it never hurts to believe in changing something specific), it will still change something that needs to be changed in our lives. That something could be so small we never notice it, or so huge that it's life-changing, but it's still there, simply through the power of the mind, and through hope.
One of my neighbors is going through a really tough time right now. He might lose his hearing, and has a brain tumor (causing him to possibly lose his hearing). The doctors say there's a 50/50 chance. He might have to have a machine implanted in his head and attached to his ear all his life, or might need surgery to take the tumor out, or a miracle might happen, or the worst could happen - him being deaf permanently, or any combination of any of those things. I need anyone who can hear me, anyone who's listening, to pray for him, and pray for this family who's done so much for me. They're kinda like my second parents, and I love them. So, ask God to take care of them, help him get better, and if not, ask God for there to be a bigger plan than what's happening now. The family needs strength and hope. So, I need you guys to pray for that.
Me, I think I just need sleep to get out of this fog. Sorry if some of the stuff I said didn't make sense. Keep praying and keep believing. We need Novenas. We'll all wake up tomorrow.
God, I need you to send a powerful force or a powerful something that'll help us right now. All of us. I need you to help me see the way you're guiding me. Shine the light brighter through the fog. I need you to let me have my freedom but help me heal, and help all of us heal. I need you to help me follow you. Tonight is when I need you to carry me so there's only one set of footprints. Carry all of us. Please help us.
Everyone reading this, please put aside my situation and forward this to anyone who'll listen, please pray for this family, who's become my family. I know you see tons of things every day asking you to forward things or do things for other people, but just for one day, all Im asking is that we get as many prayers as possible. I can't even really see what Im typing right now. Please pray for us. Like I said, tomorrow's a new day.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I have a choice.
We all have a choice.
I have to take this pen
And this paper
And write
The story of my life.
I can change things
With this mark.
My mark.
I dont care if Im tired
I dont care if I stumble
I dont care if Im not where I want to be.
I can get there.
I don't care if my time runs out
I dont care if my car breaks down
I dont care if I'm empty
And something, somewhere needs to be filled.
I will see better days.
I will love beauty.
We will rise above.
We will be free. .
Free to fly.
I want my baby
I want her to hold me
I want her to protect me
I want to lay next to her for days.
I believe I honestly could lay next to her for days.
But see, I can't think like that.
I have to be the man.
I have to be the rock.
What if don't want to be the rock?
What if I want to be the eagle?
I'm supposed to have strength
I'm supposed to be tough
Not let anything bring me down
I'm supposed to only say two words
And just exist in the corner of the back of the room
And act like I'm something else
To get all the girls.
I'm supposed to be a kid.
I'm supposed to put myself first, always.
I'm supposed to chase the air
On those hot summer nights
Under the stars
I'm supposed to laugh and act like a jackass
I'm supposed to be in everyone else's world
Of hookups and breakups
And make out in that special place.
With some girl
Who I don't even know.
But what the hell. . that's what being a kid is.
Maybe I have to stop trying to break through the barrier
Of being someone who I can't be. .
At least not right now.
Maybe I have to try harder than ever
Before it's too late.
Before I'm old
Stop.
For tonight, keep me in your heart, love.
Feel me on your skin
Hold my image in your mind. .
Feel my magic in your smile.
Hold my hands
And let me go. Let me floor the gas till I fly into space.
The sky is where I'll be going
One day I'll come back to you.
But for now
Fly
While you still can.
Fly to my eyes
My chest
My hands
My lips
My hair
My love
You and the rest of the human race. .
We're Free to fly
We all have a choice.
I have to take this pen
And this paper
And write
The story of my life.
I can change things
With this mark.
My mark.
I dont care if Im tired
I dont care if I stumble
I dont care if Im not where I want to be.
I can get there.
I don't care if my time runs out
I dont care if my car breaks down
I dont care if I'm empty
And something, somewhere needs to be filled.
I will see better days.
I will love beauty.
We will rise above.
We will be free. .
Free to fly.
I want my baby
I want her to hold me
I want her to protect me
I want to lay next to her for days.
I believe I honestly could lay next to her for days.
But see, I can't think like that.
I have to be the man.
I have to be the rock.
What if don't want to be the rock?
What if I want to be the eagle?
I'm supposed to have strength
I'm supposed to be tough
Not let anything bring me down
I'm supposed to only say two words
And just exist in the corner of the back of the room
And act like I'm something else
To get all the girls.
I'm supposed to be a kid.
I'm supposed to put myself first, always.
I'm supposed to chase the air
On those hot summer nights
Under the stars
I'm supposed to laugh and act like a jackass
I'm supposed to be in everyone else's world
Of hookups and breakups
And make out in that special place.
With some girl
Who I don't even know.
But what the hell. . that's what being a kid is.
Maybe I have to stop trying to break through the barrier
Of being someone who I can't be. .
At least not right now.
Maybe I have to try harder than ever
Before it's too late.
Before I'm old
Stop.
For tonight, keep me in your heart, love.
Feel me on your skin
Hold my image in your mind. .
Feel my magic in your smile.
Hold my hands
And let me go. Let me floor the gas till I fly into space.
The sky is where I'll be going
One day I'll come back to you.
But for now
Fly
While you still can.
Fly to my eyes
My chest
My hands
My lips
My hair
My love
You and the rest of the human race. .
We're Free to fly
Monday, April 5, 2010
4/5/10
It's late so I don't have too much time to talk. But things have been steadier since the blowup the weekend before last. Other than cursing me out and putting me down behind my back when they think I can't hear through the walls, things have been fine. He's getting tired. . worn out. He's officially retiring June 1st. Made sure to make it so all his stock options and incentives (money) get executed before then, as usual. He's getting a year's salary package after that. Another 200k that's going to rot in the bank while he's complaining that they don't have enough to retire on. I saw ONE of his bank account printouts once when he forgot to stash it away in his mountains of paper. It said the account was at over 2 million dollars.
She's still changing every day. Depressed as hell some days, angry others, suspicious others, plain crazy others. But I don't want to talk about her. . she makes me sick.
And me. . . I've seen better days. Happier times. There are still the short glimpses of freedom, but they're starting to make me sick too. . like someone's holding the carrot in front of me but not letting me reach it for years. I'm still changing, and in some ways, I don't care. . in some ways, I'm removed from everyone and everything, even freedom. In some ways, I don't have fight left. Some ways I do. I'm just a kid. . what can a kid do? And at the same time, I can do anything. And at the same time, that phrase is way too pathetic and overused.
I feel like I'm driving through hell. Like there's a road with lava all around and all kinds of obstacles and potholes full of lava in my way. And the hounds are on my tail. I feel like a 40 year old. . the way I talk. . I feel like an 80 year old in the way I think sometimes. It's fucked up.
But like I said, it's getting late. I need to rest my head. I guess sometimes when you're driving through hell, you have to take one last look at the iron gates up ahead and what's beyond them. The sun, and the green grass, and the future. (and sometimes, you're damn right the grass is greener on the other side). And the road ahead of you is dropping off into the lava. You just have to put it in overdrive, floor the gas, hope you have a Toyota, and close your eyes.
I think tonight I'm gonna need two pillows. And a rosary.
Please.
She's still changing every day. Depressed as hell some days, angry others, suspicious others, plain crazy others. But I don't want to talk about her. . she makes me sick.
And me. . . I've seen better days. Happier times. There are still the short glimpses of freedom, but they're starting to make me sick too. . like someone's holding the carrot in front of me but not letting me reach it for years. I'm still changing, and in some ways, I don't care. . in some ways, I'm removed from everyone and everything, even freedom. In some ways, I don't have fight left. Some ways I do. I'm just a kid. . what can a kid do? And at the same time, I can do anything. And at the same time, that phrase is way too pathetic and overused.
I feel like I'm driving through hell. Like there's a road with lava all around and all kinds of obstacles and potholes full of lava in my way. And the hounds are on my tail. I feel like a 40 year old. . the way I talk. . I feel like an 80 year old in the way I think sometimes. It's fucked up.
But like I said, it's getting late. I need to rest my head. I guess sometimes when you're driving through hell, you have to take one last look at the iron gates up ahead and what's beyond them. The sun, and the green grass, and the future. (and sometimes, you're damn right the grass is greener on the other side). And the road ahead of you is dropping off into the lava. You just have to put it in overdrive, floor the gas, hope you have a Toyota, and close your eyes.
I think tonight I'm gonna need two pillows. And a rosary.
Please.
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