5/31/10

I'm tired of being miserable. I don't feel mentally well at all. I'm worrying and taking things too seriously. I feel disgusting and I'm tired of that too. I want to fast forward to where I can be happy, because I know. . I know. That when I'm free I'll be happy. I'll get therapy. I'll have a job. I won't be miserable anymore. Things won't be fucked up anymore. I just. . need that. So bad. I'll look back on everything I'm writing and it'll just sound like a crazy person because every time I write in this blog it's to let something out that I'm holding in, that I can't hold in anymore. And I could totally just delete this blog and forget about everything that's happening and make it go away.

5/29/10

When you think it's all over, look up at the stars.
Then look me in the eye and try to tell me
That everything you have,
Everything you're living for,
Is broken and gone.
Every star has a story
Every story a soul
Every soul a purpose
And every purpose a new adventure.

I'm holding on for all the nights we'll spend under the stars, love.
I'm holding on for myself, and my friends, and love, and dreams.
I'm holding on for sanity
And for new beginnings.

5/27/10

Don't have that much to say right now except that I got an award for being a leader and gettin good grades at awards night, and I got voted pres. of SADD (students against destructive decisions) today which was pretty cool.

Also, today I realized that life is a game. You, God, and Satan are the main players. The object is to keep the game going (even though life is much more than a game, but you get what im sayin). God is always giving you opportunities to do good things and satan's trying to get you to do bad things. Then everyone around you is kinda neutral, but they're in the game with you. Your only tools are virtues, like love, courage, passion, hope, and integrity - and your hands. You keep the game going and win by using your tools to do good, add more people to the game, and help people who are struggling. You lose by taking the opportunities to do seriously bad things. Once you lose, you're gone for good. Once the game's over for good, the ones who are still left. . something inconceivably good happens to them.

Home

I spent today helping a neighbor down the street. She's the one with the husband who had the brain tumor who I wanted people to pray for. He got some of his hearing back, so the praying helped. .thanks.

Anyway, I spent the day with her doing mulch stuff outside and just talking about everything. . mostly both of our insane parents. I've known her for a couple months, and we've gotten pretty close. She's my new replacement mom (first it was my sister, then my other neighbor). But Evelyn's different. She understands. And she's young and fun and so nice and she said she loves me and she'd adopt me in a heartbeat if she could help me through college. And. . for the first time in my life, I love her. I feel like she's an older version of me, except she's a girl. Both our parents are a lot alike. . maybe that's why we turned out so much alike. But I love her. . and I also feel like I have a little sister now. . her daughter kim. I used to babysit for her, but now it's more than that. . we wrestle on the floor and we put random shit in each others drinks to piss each other off and I drag her by her feet and she throws blankets on me so I cant see then tackles me and hugs me and I help her with her homework. haha. . doesn't get much more real than that. And I think I met them for a reason and I'm going to have them forever. Least I hope I do. I don't think I could pull myself through gettin abandoned again. I'm tired of fighting that battle and I'd rather close my eyes and let my mind shatter than use another bungee cord.

My grandma that my dad disowned 15 years ago's in the hospital with heart problems. Amazingly my parents went to see her today after not talking to her all those years. . . I guess because he wanted to see her before she died. Parents came back and said she looked fine. . maybe when she dies it'll change the way my dad looks at life. Probably not, though. . don't think anything can, except if my "mother" died. I'm not that sad because I never really knew the woman. I resent that, but it's the truth. I have a feeling, though, that when she goes, she'll go with love, and majesty, because I think that's the way she is in real life. And Im prayin that the pearly gates'll open for her.

I wish I could fall into the sky and live on the clouds, in a different world. But hell, maybe that's what heaven is. I dont really know.

Baby, if you're out there, I love you. I wish you were here. Just wanna hold you for one night.

5/21/10

One of the things I know I'll always remember from this part of my life is the summer nights on my bike, at dusk, chasing the moon. I look up at the stars and close my eyes and tilt my head back and it's like heaven rolling over my face and into my hair. . putting some light back into my eyes. The stars and the sky are some of the only things that help me through the chaos, because I know they're there, and I know they're real. They're pure, raw, and beautiful, and they're solid things, but they're alive. I was born under this sky and that's where I'm gonna be buried. . gonna find love, maybe have kids. I'm gonna leave my sunny days and blue skies behind when I go.

And i could tell the sky all my secrets. All the chains I could throw into the night air, and they're gone. I could throw away all the facades when I'm under the open sky.

Things are still twisted, but some things are lookin up. I'm starting to get more opportunities, but also more obstacles. I'm still going to keep pretending. . I'm so close to not pretending ever again. I have to stay strong and remember who I am. I know I'll be safe, and when it's all said and done, I want to be a good person. I want to not be scared. Know that Im free. Fit in and have closer friends. Even the sky has clouds. But I know that I'll be okay. I have a good heart and I know how to have real fun and let myself go.

Just wanna say - to any of you who have been following this blog, thank you, and god bless for staying by my side even though my life (and blog) are a mess sometimes.

have a good weekend

It's been so long

I'm sorry this blog is so depressing. . haha. But I'm going to be honest, as always.

Just now I let my dad know I got a job mowing the neighbor's lawn. He started getting pissed because of the "wear and tear on the tractor" and "when it dies he's going to have to replace the parts". Right now I'm fighting not to cry. Especially over bullshit like this. A good dad would have said, dude I'm so glad you got this job. This is fuckin what teenagers do. They fuckin mow people's fuckin lawns. Or at least I fuckin do. Maybe everyone else's too busy stealing phones from stores and selling them on ebay for money, or selling weed, or selling themselves. Im tryin so hard not to be bitter right now, but it's so hard not to be when all life is is a big money equation to your dad, and his "son"'s just a certain value. I feel like ripping the $150 he paid for it at a tag sale out of my stash of money and slamming it on his face, then slamming his face in a wall. There's your hundred and fuckin fifty dollars. Go buy another piece of shit. Then he says, "You really irritated me by committing to that without asking my permission to use my property. That was a wrong thing to do. Do you believe it was wrong?" Instead of doing any of what I wanted to do, I said, "Yeah, dad. I'm sorry." Dad, if you ever read this, GROW A MOTHERFUCKIN PAIR OF MOTHERFUCKIN BALLS AND GROW THE FUCK UP AND BE A FUCKIN PARENT LIKE YOU FUCKIN CHOSE TO FUCKIN BE FUCKIN 16 FUCKIN YEARS AGO. PARENTS LET THEIR KIDS USE THEIR LAWN MOWERS. PARENTS DON'T BURY THEIR KIDS IN PILES OF SHIT. PARENTS DON'T LET MONEY RULE THEIR LIVES. PARENTS DON'T KEEP THEIR HEAT AT 45 DEGREES IN THE WINTER. PARENTS DON'T LET THEIR WIVES BE FUCKING BITCHES TO THEIR KIDS. PARENTS FUCKIN LOVE THEIR KIDS. DO YOU KNOW WHAT LOVE IS?

Had to get that out. In other news, I got my permit the thursday before last. . (amazing that he's letting me drive his property isn't it)? Prom was last night. had a good time, but need to find a girl instead of going with friends. I need to stay strong and hold onto love, and know that one day I'll be ok.

We're all here to teach each other something. But first we have to be willing to listen. Right now, I'm not. Right now, I want to take the car and run. I want to burn their dump down. I want to love myself. I want someone to love. I want someone to love me. I want to get the fuck away from this. Check back with me in 5 or 10 years. Then I'll listen.

Hands - Jewel

If I could tell the world just one thing
It would be that we're all OK
And not to worry 'cause worry is wasteful
And useless in times like these
I won't be made useless
I won't be idle with despair
I will gather myself around my faith
For light does the darkness most fear
My hands are small, I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
And I am never broken.

Poverty stole your golden shoes
It didn't steal your laughter
And heartache came to visit me
But I knew it wasn't ever after
We'll fight, not out of spite
For someone must stand up for what's right
'Cause where there's a man who has no voice
There ours shall go singing
My hands are small I know
But they're not yours, they are my own
But they're not yours, they are my own
I am never broken.

I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray
I will get down on my knees, and I will pray <3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lk0bKfC8XSE

5/3/10

She decided to randomly hit the ceiling (really hit the ceiling. . like worse than in the youtube video) again today. Left me pretty shaken up but I was able to stay sane and calm while she was doing it. . she ended up storming away. It was about somethin stupid, like how I don't talk to her or whatever, as usual, but she really got pissed. He heard some of it and told me to "obey your mother" as usual, and I told him that what she just did wasn't okay, and him letting it happen wasn't okay, so then he went in the kitchen where she was and told her to calm down. She started screaming, so he blew up, which hardly ever happens, but when it does it's really bad, and now they're pissed at each other.

In psychology we're talkin about how teens work. . . how girls feel like they have to be adults and be feminine even if that's not who they are at heart, and how guys hide behind a mask and don't show emotion. Sometimes I like the mask cause it means (with most people) I get to have my space when I feel like it, and I get to just be a dude, hardcore. But sometimes, like right now, and like I've said before, I wanna throw it all away and show my true colors. All of them. What I feel. . what I want. . what I need.

I feel so selfish sometimes, because it's always about what I want and what I need and I want to be cuddled and I want love. But the truth is, that's what I deserve. That's what every kid deserves. My parents are obviously selfish as fuck. . I just have to find the right balance between surviving, taking care of myself, and distinguishing between longing and fantasies, and reality.

And I'm tired of the same old story. I want love. I want to be free. I want a nice place to live in. I want to be safe. I want a mom. I want to stop pretending. I want my soulmate. But I feel it. . it's like this huge. . hole. . emptiness. It's like a black sun inside me. And if I stare into it long enough sometimes it blinds me. If I stare into it for a really long time eventually I'd prolly kill myself. So I stare at the blades of grass, stare at them for long enough till they turn deep green with golden sunlight shining all around.

Right now I want to break down. I want to fall on my knees and keep cryin for days until I feel my girl's hands on my shoulders and her kiss on my neck. And I want to touch her cheek and fall away from this life into something beautiful. And I want her to see all that I was. . all the dark alleys and black skies and my mangled heart, and still love me, still think I'm beautiful. And I want love in my heart to give to her. real love. unselfish, unfucked up, real, pure, unconditional love. And I want to do everything to make her happy. I want to leave little notes for her and buy her flowers and lay in the grass and watch the stars for as long as we could without lookin at each other. And I don't want to remember ever again. I want the flashbacks to stop. I want to start fresh and be a normal person. I want to be her best friend and spend nights just talking about anything. I want to be her guardian, and I want her to protect me from evil and from what I've seen. She's out there, and one day she'll be in my arms. One day she'll touch me and I'll smile because I'll know I'm not broken anymore. Nothing's ever perfect, but we'll be close <3