This is really bothering me. . . everywhere I look, there's seriously nothing about moms. If you google "I want a mom" or "mother son relationship" (I know, I have no life) all that comes up is a few websites about the problems. . then there are all these stereotypes about having to "deal with a teenager". . . and if it's not that, it's old ladies talking about baking cookies and the war. Dude. . seriously? What happened to the fun mom with the nice house and the minivan who actually cares about her kids, is friends with them, is cool, and also gives them guidance. . but most of all, gives them unconditional love? Maybe they're just too busy to post anything on the internet. . haha
If I had a good mom. . . wow. I'd tell her everything. . and she'd listen. She wouldn't scream at me or terrorize me or subtly try to make me feel like shit. We'd go to the mall. . go shopping. . get food. . go places. She'd call me honey and sweetie. . and she'd say I love you. She'd let me be in sports, and she'd be in the sidelines cheering me on. I'd hug her every day before school. . and occasionally kiss her. . if I was in a REALLY good mood. Dude. . I'd be such a mama's boy. . and I'd be happy to be.
What happened to those kindsa moms? I know they're out there cause I have friends whose moms are like that. . like I know it's never gonna be perfect, but it can come pretty freakin close.
Hahaha I remember one time I googled, "Chat rooms for moms" and I finally found one but I got kicked out cause they found out I wasn't a mom - just someone who was lost who wanted one. Lol. . .
I think I found a mom from youtube. . . I havent signed on in forever. .
Ughh. . I can't wait till the day when my real mom, whoever she is. . is in front of me, in person. So tired of computers. . whatever. . I'll figure it out.
I think I just need unconditional love. I was gonna write a poem but now I actually am sleepy. . haha. There's always dreams. . . maybe an angel will come tonight.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
2/25/10
So, I'm so stupid. . I stayed up till like, 1 last night cause i didn't think we'd have school today, but we did : /. So now, they're saying tomorrow it's going to snow all day, but now I'm smart. . I don't trust them. . muahaha. . .
. . allright that was kinda weird. . but anyywayy
So, got tons of stuff for school to do. . procrastinating, as usual. Monday-Wednesday were the best days I've had in a long time. . Monday was awesome for too many reasons to list - there was this guy who made this assembly which was actually worth listening to. . I found my science book which I thought I lost which I thought was gonna cost me serious dollas. . I got gluesticks from my english teacher cause I ran out. . haha. . it's the little things :)
Tuesday I had a snowday, snowblowed their huge driveway with a two and a half foot wide snowblower for three hours, got yelled at for wasting too much gas. Greeaattt. Then the kids I babysit for came down RIGHT after he yelled at me, and he was still in the garage. . so I had to whisper to them to come with me back up the driveway (he flips a shit if he finds out anyone comes on his "property" because he thinks they're going to sue him if they fall and break something. . (even when you thought they couldn't get any more twisted. . lol. . )). . . so anyway. . I played with the kids for a little while. . then came back.
Wednesday afternoon was good because the money I had mentioned earlier from my friend Nadia in Canada came in the mail!! I have enough now to hold me over for a few months. . which is great. I almost cried when I opened the envelope. . it takes a LOT for me to cry. . but just knowing I'll be able to cover expenses for a while was a huge weight off my shoulders. Thanks Nadia :)
Wednesday night was crappy (read yesterday's blog post). . and then today I'm tryna figure out whether i should do my project and be "smart" or just bank on not having school tomorrow and wake up at 5 AM to find out there's no cancellations and try to throw together an english powerpoint in 40 minutes. . again.
Today was annoying because they were supposed to go to a play all night (that's the only time they EVER go out . .occasionally she wins musical tickets that radio stations give away. . . she refuses to buy tickets. . how cheap is that? AND, no lie. . she keeps a chart of all the radio stations, what they're giving away, when to call in, and what the secret answers are that you have to give them in order to get the prize. talk about OCD. . ) but the play got canceled and moved to next week, and I was planning to bring the house down (do a couple loads of laundry) tonight but now i have to wait. . The washing machine's still leaking and I'm still worried something's going to burst while I'm using it, but I looked under it at the motor and stuff and nothing looks that rusted out. . I think I'm going to completely prop it up and look for loose/cracked hoses so at least I know where the problem is before I do anything. (I haven't done laundry since november I think!!).
Ugh. . I hate old things. When I'm on my own everything's gonna be bought new and I'm going to get rid of it when it doesn't work anymore, or if I just feel like buying newer things just cause, I will!! :) I'm gonna have thick white body length towels. . face towels, and washcloths. . and thick fun colored rugs. White soft sheets. . white curtains. . white fluffy pillows. I'm really into white. . haha. I like things that are clean and pure. . but I also like fun things. . like I like splotches of color. . or swirls or designs. . like the graphics you see on the new Dell laptops. . I'm totally into all that. I like things that are spontaneous and fun and out there, but comfy at the same time. . and I love changing things up. I get bored sooo easily. . lol. I like things that are free and open and I like space and I like birds. . . I'm kinda like a bird. You can't hold me down. .if you pull me too close I'll fly away. I'm independent, but at the same time I'm killer loyal and I need love and a home to come back to. . someplace that's my own. And that's the thing - I've never been able to make anything my own. They won't let me move any furniture in my room or hang anything on my walls. . all of em are bare. And the same furniture has been there ever since I can remember. . like, there's a yellow and white toybox with charlie brown pics on it, and a red and blue lame dresser and a pasty green dresser with cats on it. Seriously? Am I four years old? But anyway. . it's not gonna be for long!! When I get an apartment, I'm gonna hang posters of hot girls alll over everywhere ;) Gonna get the best stereo ever and blast music all the time. All new, clean appliances. It's always gonna be 70 degrees. Temperpedic bed. . sweet, modern bedroom set. I can't decide between solid wood cause it's more homey, but boring, or glass/brushed steel cause it's more modern. . . but maybe too modern. I'm definitely gonna have a glass/steel desk for work. And Imma have a cat and maybe a dog later on. . and everything's gonna be messy enough to be a home but clean enough to be not retarded, or even close to what their house is like.
So anyway, I still didn't put together the spreadsheet/goals sheet that I was also talking about earlier this week. I'm going to make myself do it by saturday. . but I definitely think there's an 80% chance of no school tomorrow so I could probably do it then and just get my projects done now. I'm honestly really looking forward to doing it. . I definitely need to put everything down on paper. . er at least virtual paper. . . it'll make things so much easier and I could always add to it as I need to. . that's the beauty of doing things on the computer.
They're using the "low heating oil" excuse so the heat's back down to 53/54 downstairs, 45 upstairs. Overall they haven't been that crazy this week, except for the incident yesterday night with him. She was reaaallyy crazy over the weekend but whatever. I'm trying not to think about it or talk about it because I'm not letting myself get depressed. I have energy right now so I need to use it to kick butt.
. . allright that was kinda weird. . but anyywayy
So, got tons of stuff for school to do. . procrastinating, as usual. Monday-Wednesday were the best days I've had in a long time. . Monday was awesome for too many reasons to list - there was this guy who made this assembly which was actually worth listening to. . I found my science book which I thought I lost which I thought was gonna cost me serious dollas. . I got gluesticks from my english teacher cause I ran out. . haha. . it's the little things :)
Tuesday I had a snowday, snowblowed their huge driveway with a two and a half foot wide snowblower for three hours, got yelled at for wasting too much gas. Greeaattt. Then the kids I babysit for came down RIGHT after he yelled at me, and he was still in the garage. . so I had to whisper to them to come with me back up the driveway (he flips a shit if he finds out anyone comes on his "property" because he thinks they're going to sue him if they fall and break something. . (even when you thought they couldn't get any more twisted. . lol. . )). . . so anyway. . I played with the kids for a little while. . then came back.
Wednesday afternoon was good because the money I had mentioned earlier from my friend Nadia in Canada came in the mail!! I have enough now to hold me over for a few months. . which is great. I almost cried when I opened the envelope. . it takes a LOT for me to cry. . but just knowing I'll be able to cover expenses for a while was a huge weight off my shoulders. Thanks Nadia :)
Wednesday night was crappy (read yesterday's blog post). . and then today I'm tryna figure out whether i should do my project and be "smart" or just bank on not having school tomorrow and wake up at 5 AM to find out there's no cancellations and try to throw together an english powerpoint in 40 minutes. . again.
Today was annoying because they were supposed to go to a play all night (that's the only time they EVER go out . .occasionally she wins musical tickets that radio stations give away. . . she refuses to buy tickets. . how cheap is that? AND, no lie. . she keeps a chart of all the radio stations, what they're giving away, when to call in, and what the secret answers are that you have to give them in order to get the prize. talk about OCD. . ) but the play got canceled and moved to next week, and I was planning to bring the house down (do a couple loads of laundry) tonight but now i have to wait. . The washing machine's still leaking and I'm still worried something's going to burst while I'm using it, but I looked under it at the motor and stuff and nothing looks that rusted out. . I think I'm going to completely prop it up and look for loose/cracked hoses so at least I know where the problem is before I do anything. (I haven't done laundry since november I think!!).
Ugh. . I hate old things. When I'm on my own everything's gonna be bought new and I'm going to get rid of it when it doesn't work anymore, or if I just feel like buying newer things just cause, I will!! :) I'm gonna have thick white body length towels. . face towels, and washcloths. . and thick fun colored rugs. White soft sheets. . white curtains. . white fluffy pillows. I'm really into white. . haha. I like things that are clean and pure. . but I also like fun things. . like I like splotches of color. . or swirls or designs. . like the graphics you see on the new Dell laptops. . I'm totally into all that. I like things that are spontaneous and fun and out there, but comfy at the same time. . and I love changing things up. I get bored sooo easily. . lol. I like things that are free and open and I like space and I like birds. . . I'm kinda like a bird. You can't hold me down. .if you pull me too close I'll fly away. I'm independent, but at the same time I'm killer loyal and I need love and a home to come back to. . someplace that's my own. And that's the thing - I've never been able to make anything my own. They won't let me move any furniture in my room or hang anything on my walls. . all of em are bare. And the same furniture has been there ever since I can remember. . like, there's a yellow and white toybox with charlie brown pics on it, and a red and blue lame dresser and a pasty green dresser with cats on it. Seriously? Am I four years old? But anyway. . it's not gonna be for long!! When I get an apartment, I'm gonna hang posters of hot girls alll over everywhere ;) Gonna get the best stereo ever and blast music all the time. All new, clean appliances. It's always gonna be 70 degrees. Temperpedic bed. . sweet, modern bedroom set. I can't decide between solid wood cause it's more homey, but boring, or glass/brushed steel cause it's more modern. . . but maybe too modern. I'm definitely gonna have a glass/steel desk for work. And Imma have a cat and maybe a dog later on. . and everything's gonna be messy enough to be a home but clean enough to be not retarded, or even close to what their house is like.
So anyway, I still didn't put together the spreadsheet/goals sheet that I was also talking about earlier this week. I'm going to make myself do it by saturday. . but I definitely think there's an 80% chance of no school tomorrow so I could probably do it then and just get my projects done now. I'm honestly really looking forward to doing it. . I definitely need to put everything down on paper. . er at least virtual paper. . . it'll make things so much easier and I could always add to it as I need to. . that's the beauty of doing things on the computer.
They're using the "low heating oil" excuse so the heat's back down to 53/54 downstairs, 45 upstairs. Overall they haven't been that crazy this week, except for the incident yesterday night with him. She was reaaallyy crazy over the weekend but whatever. I'm trying not to think about it or talk about it because I'm not letting myself get depressed. I have energy right now so I need to use it to kick butt.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Just realized, yet again, how much of a total asshole my "dad" is. He thinks he's the big cheese. . he takes orders from her, but acts like he knows everything to everyone else, especially me, and he thinks he could boss me around with his executive negotiation IBM bullshit. Hahaha. . guess what. Within the next two years, I'm buying my own car. Maybe through college I'll have to deal with their bullshit, but it'll be a lot less bad since I'll distance myself from them so much. The day I have my college diploma in my hand is going to be one of the best days of my life. I could imagine it right now. . . the graduation song. . all my friends being there to cheer me on. . the dean smiling at me. . my girlfriend somewhere farther down the line. . the night before, I'm going to have packed all my things in my mustang. . everything that I could fit into the car is what I'm going to use to start my new life. Then. . I'm going to walk down the other side of the stage, where the rest of the graduates are. . then they'll let us go. . .
If they're even there, my parents'll come up to me and say, Good Job. Let's go home. . . and he'll smile his business smile, like a snake. Or at least he'll say good job. . she'll probably just stand there and stare like a mouse who never gets to see daylight. I'm going to say, "I'm not going with you." His eyes'll narrow and he'll say, "what do you mean, you're not going with us?" (In other words, "I'm the alpha male. You do what I say.") She'll start going ballistic. . . hahaha I could imagine it now. . . "After I put the blood sweat and tears into raising you since you were a BABY, and spent so much money and time waking up at 6 AM every saturday morning to go to tag sales to buy things for YOU to make sure YOU were happy, you're abandoning us!?!?!?! You backstabbing son of a bitch bastard. I'M YOUR MOTHER." And then, he'll say, "Calm down, Janet. . our son isn't going anywhere. I won't let him." And then guess what. . . I'm going to laugh and say, "You won't let me? Watch this." And I'm going to walk away. They're going to follow me and he'll say, "Where the fuck do you think you're going kid? Look at me." And he'll grab my shoulder and turn me around to make me look at him. Then I'm going to tell him, if he touches me one more time, I'm calling the police and he'll be arrested for assault, and I'm pressing charges. Then he won't want to hit me in front of everyone, so he'll say, "Come on Janet. Fuck him." Then I'm gonna say, "Fuck off, both of you." and leave them in swirls of light brown dirt and the smell of burnt rubber. Me and my girlfriend'll meet up somewhere, and we're driving straight to california.
Honestly, maybe it'll be better if I just leave and completely just avoid them. . after 22 years of being tortured by both of them, I won't be able to hold myself back from throwing him to the ground and kicking the crap out of him. I'm so, so angry.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to have the satisfaction of telling them to fuck off and leaving, while watching their faces in horror when they realize they can't control anything I do. And I'm not going to get thrown in jail for kicking the crap out of him. I'm gonna get a punching bag, in college. . or take a martial arts class. . or something to get rid of all the anger and all the hate that I keep locked up. I'm going to set myself free the way I want to be set free.
And then, I'm not going to care about anything. They'll be 3000 miles away, and they won't ever be able to touch me again. I'm going to have/go to a couple parties a week. . have a nice job. . my stang. . the sun and the warmth, and start a new life there, and meet all new people. I'm going to be strong, and laid back, but at the same time, I'll be smart, and not let my life fall into a hole of bullshit, like hoarding, like she did. Most of all, I'm going to keep my mind open for what other people have to say, and my heart open for all the love. I don't want all this hate, and I don't need it. . I'll just let it go. . let it float away. I'm going to be so safe. . and I'll fly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gVsQZ2hVj8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Te8piQH70
If they're even there, my parents'll come up to me and say, Good Job. Let's go home. . . and he'll smile his business smile, like a snake. Or at least he'll say good job. . she'll probably just stand there and stare like a mouse who never gets to see daylight. I'm going to say, "I'm not going with you." His eyes'll narrow and he'll say, "what do you mean, you're not going with us?" (In other words, "I'm the alpha male. You do what I say.") She'll start going ballistic. . . hahaha I could imagine it now. . . "After I put the blood sweat and tears into raising you since you were a BABY, and spent so much money and time waking up at 6 AM every saturday morning to go to tag sales to buy things for YOU to make sure YOU were happy, you're abandoning us!?!?!?! You backstabbing son of a bitch bastard. I'M YOUR MOTHER." And then, he'll say, "Calm down, Janet. . our son isn't going anywhere. I won't let him." And then guess what. . . I'm going to laugh and say, "You won't let me? Watch this." And I'm going to walk away. They're going to follow me and he'll say, "Where the fuck do you think you're going kid? Look at me." And he'll grab my shoulder and turn me around to make me look at him. Then I'm going to tell him, if he touches me one more time, I'm calling the police and he'll be arrested for assault, and I'm pressing charges. Then he won't want to hit me in front of everyone, so he'll say, "Come on Janet. Fuck him." Then I'm gonna say, "Fuck off, both of you." and leave them in swirls of light brown dirt and the smell of burnt rubber. Me and my girlfriend'll meet up somewhere, and we're driving straight to california.
Honestly, maybe it'll be better if I just leave and completely just avoid them. . after 22 years of being tortured by both of them, I won't be able to hold myself back from throwing him to the ground and kicking the crap out of him. I'm so, so angry.
You know what I'm gonna do? I'm going to have the satisfaction of telling them to fuck off and leaving, while watching their faces in horror when they realize they can't control anything I do. And I'm not going to get thrown in jail for kicking the crap out of him. I'm gonna get a punching bag, in college. . or take a martial arts class. . or something to get rid of all the anger and all the hate that I keep locked up. I'm going to set myself free the way I want to be set free.
And then, I'm not going to care about anything. They'll be 3000 miles away, and they won't ever be able to touch me again. I'm going to have/go to a couple parties a week. . have a nice job. . my stang. . the sun and the warmth, and start a new life there, and meet all new people. I'm going to be strong, and laid back, but at the same time, I'll be smart, and not let my life fall into a hole of bullshit, like hoarding, like she did. Most of all, I'm going to keep my mind open for what other people have to say, and my heart open for all the love. I don't want all this hate, and I don't need it. . I'll just let it go. . let it float away. I'm going to be so safe. . and I'll fly.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2gVsQZ2hVj8&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=68Te8piQH70
Monday, February 22, 2010
2/23/10
God, thank you for everything good that happened today. Thank you for the blessings.
Right now things seem really hopeless and things aren't making sense. Hold me in your arms and keep me there. I know every single person in my life is there for a reason, to teach me something. It's all so confusing right now, God. I need you to help me through this, and keep me safe. I'm going to do really awesome things for this world. . I promise. Please, tonight, let there be peace. Help people understand how to let go. Let there be justice. Work your miracles and all of the beautiful things you do every day. I have faith in you God, if nothing else. And, I need you to hurry up on the girl/falling in love/flying into the sunset sitch. . I'm tired of being lonely.
I love you
Right now things seem really hopeless and things aren't making sense. Hold me in your arms and keep me there. I know every single person in my life is there for a reason, to teach me something. It's all so confusing right now, God. I need you to help me through this, and keep me safe. I'm going to do really awesome things for this world. . I promise. Please, tonight, let there be peace. Help people understand how to let go. Let there be justice. Work your miracles and all of the beautiful things you do every day. I have faith in you God, if nothing else. And, I need you to hurry up on the girl/falling in love/flying into the sunset sitch. . I'm tired of being lonely.
I love you
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Almost Forgot
So, my school's having a drive to bring in toiletries to help people in Haiti. . and, you guys know how I said a few times about how I wanted to help them, but couldn't because I had no access to a credit card or something I could use to donate - so when I heard about the charity thing at school, I was soo happy. So this morning while they were out I went up to my sister's old bathroom where they keep all the good toiletries that they buy and got a bag of stuff - hand soap, bar soap, toothbrushes, toothpaste, lotion, hand sanitizer, deoderant. . and hid it in a binder in my bag, so I'll bring it to school tomorrow. Lol I was like, this drive is totally for me cause my parents have two 2x2 ft. boxes of toothpaste right now and all kinds of crap that's just going to sit there and rot - might as well give it away!!! I don't use the toothpaste because most of it expired in the '90s, but the soap, toothbrushes, and lotion are still good. . . stuff like that doesn't really expire. Plus I couldn't use the toothpaste even if I wanted to cause if they found out I was "stealing" from them, they'd kick me out, for sure. So that's why I buy my own and honestly I'm getting to the point where if she screams at me about me buying my own toothpaste I'm just gonna throw her into a wall. I'm getting to the point where I have zero tolerance for her bullshit, which is making things even more stressful, because I have to talk to her to make her shut up, but whether I talk to her or not she's not going to shut up, and at the same time if I do talk to her I have to avoid the subject of me buying my own things, which she always brings up and screams at me about. She always tries to provoke me into starting a fight and I totally just have to fight her mental games or walk away. So, it's kinda like, lose-lose-lose, times. . 5 million.
But, I really don't care. I'm in it to win it!! Lol. . Gonna keep their "trust" (even though I hear all the time about how they dont trust me) and tell them what they want to hear until college. The day I graduate college, I'm literally saying fuck off to their faces. . . hahaha. I really don't care. And while I'm in college, I'm going to separate myself from them as much as possible. . going to try to stay summers and get a really good job and maybe an apartment or live in my car or something. . or live with a friend. I really don't care but I can't come back here. . . but anyway. . I'm not going to worry about that right now. Right now I have to finish homework, wash up, and go to bed. Got through another day. I can't believe driver's ed is in a week!! Just gotta keep looking forward to things and praying and do what I had said about my goals.
God, give me strength and courage. Help me get out and not look back. Give me support and love. Help me be safe. Help me get through this and help me be who I want to be. Please.
But, I really don't care. I'm in it to win it!! Lol. . Gonna keep their "trust" (even though I hear all the time about how they dont trust me) and tell them what they want to hear until college. The day I graduate college, I'm literally saying fuck off to their faces. . . hahaha. I really don't care. And while I'm in college, I'm going to separate myself from them as much as possible. . going to try to stay summers and get a really good job and maybe an apartment or live in my car or something. . or live with a friend. I really don't care but I can't come back here. . . but anyway. . I'm not going to worry about that right now. Right now I have to finish homework, wash up, and go to bed. Got through another day. I can't believe driver's ed is in a week!! Just gotta keep looking forward to things and praying and do what I had said about my goals.
God, give me strength and courage. Help me get out and not look back. Give me support and love. Help me be safe. Help me get through this and help me be who I want to be. Please.
My Goals
So, one of my problems is that I say I'm going to do all these things, and I get overwhelmed and I end up not doing anything. I get depressed and not motivated at all, then I fall into this downward spiral of thinking how depressed and not motivated I am. I can't do that. And I can say "I can't do that" all I want, but I know I'm going to keep doing it. The other thing is, my mind's very abstract. One minute I could be thinking about my goals, and the next minute I could be thinking about farms, or the sky. Literally. . haha. And I get into this mindset of, right now I have absolutely no control over anything, and I'm not going to until the day I'm on my own. And it all gets really hopeless.
Yeah, I'm extremely tied down. I have to go through hell every day, just walking out of my room and seeing their house, and hope that that day the screaming won't be bad. I'm freezing my ass off, I have to wear rags for clothes, and this house is unsanitary, the food is unsanitary, and it's disgusting. I have to go through her mental probing and mind games and their manipulative bullshit.
[Example: a couple months ago, I got him to pick me up after school. . we're driving home and he acts normal ("normal" is I ask him how he is and how his day was to get him to not give me bullshit about how I don't care about them). Then we get home, and I find everything in my room turned over, just because she felt like it. No, she didn't find a candy wrapper and say that I was doing drugs, or axe that I bought and say that I stole it from her. . none of that. This time it was just cause she felt like it.]
But anyway, so I have to go through all of that, and I get into a hole of being depressed and feeling hopeless and helpless. You get it. This is how I'm going to fix it. Since my mind is so abstract, I'm going to write down exactly what my short term/long term goals are, and realistically how I could get to them. And so I'm not overwhelmed, I'm going to choose the most important ones and work towards them first. . if I get a few done at a time, it'll be way easier. And, no more of the all or nothing mindset. Honestly, I'm prolly not going to get everything done that I want to. But that doesn't mean I'm allowed to go back into the hole. Getting something half done or three quarters done is better than not getting it done at all. My other problem is, I can't write things down on paper, because she'll find it and interrogate me about it and scream. Great. That's what a computer and passwords are for. I'm going to try to find an online workplace with a calendar I can write things down on, and a way to track my progress on making my goals. If not, I'll use Google Docs or something like that. But I'm going to do this. Gonna find a way and Im gonna figure it out. I don't care what I have to deal with.
I just have to remember it's all about balance. I can't burn myself out, but I can't not do anything to get to where I want to be. I have to be strong, and I have to be smart, and I can't let myself get into the jello-brain mode that I'm in half the time at school. One thing at a time, I have to keep trying. I just have to take it slow and build myself up. It's not about disciplining myself, cause Im going through hell and I'm already disciplined enough. . . it's about loving myself enough to work toward what I want, and get what I want.
Yeah, I'm extremely tied down. I have to go through hell every day, just walking out of my room and seeing their house, and hope that that day the screaming won't be bad. I'm freezing my ass off, I have to wear rags for clothes, and this house is unsanitary, the food is unsanitary, and it's disgusting. I have to go through her mental probing and mind games and their manipulative bullshit.
[Example: a couple months ago, I got him to pick me up after school. . we're driving home and he acts normal ("normal" is I ask him how he is and how his day was to get him to not give me bullshit about how I don't care about them). Then we get home, and I find everything in my room turned over, just because she felt like it. No, she didn't find a candy wrapper and say that I was doing drugs, or axe that I bought and say that I stole it from her. . none of that. This time it was just cause she felt like it.]
But anyway, so I have to go through all of that, and I get into a hole of being depressed and feeling hopeless and helpless. You get it. This is how I'm going to fix it. Since my mind is so abstract, I'm going to write down exactly what my short term/long term goals are, and realistically how I could get to them. And so I'm not overwhelmed, I'm going to choose the most important ones and work towards them first. . if I get a few done at a time, it'll be way easier. And, no more of the all or nothing mindset. Honestly, I'm prolly not going to get everything done that I want to. But that doesn't mean I'm allowed to go back into the hole. Getting something half done or three quarters done is better than not getting it done at all. My other problem is, I can't write things down on paper, because she'll find it and interrogate me about it and scream. Great. That's what a computer and passwords are for. I'm going to try to find an online workplace with a calendar I can write things down on, and a way to track my progress on making my goals. If not, I'll use Google Docs or something like that. But I'm going to do this. Gonna find a way and Im gonna figure it out. I don't care what I have to deal with.
I just have to remember it's all about balance. I can't burn myself out, but I can't not do anything to get to where I want to be. I have to be strong, and I have to be smart, and I can't let myself get into the jello-brain mode that I'm in half the time at school. One thing at a time, I have to keep trying. I just have to take it slow and build myself up. It's not about disciplining myself, cause Im going through hell and I'm already disciplined enough. . . it's about loving myself enough to work toward what I want, and get what I want.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
2/20/10
Things to look forward to/good things:
- Seeing Jen (sister) in March. . prolly gonna go to a car show :)
- I found out I got into Drivers Ed for sure!!! It starts March 1st. Psyched out of my mind. Now all I have to do is pray that certain crazy people dont get in my way. .
- I completely finished my two year long for science that I was talking about last week. It ended up being 34 pages (some people's got up to 60 pages!!) and I finished my poster thursday. Did an awesome job on both. . prolly gonna get an A or high B. Lol I had to change the printer cartridge right after I finished printing cause it was empty. . so hopefully he doesn't notice. They hoard printer cartridges too (what don't they hoard?) hahaha so it's all good.
- My friend in Canada sent me money to pay for what I need. . it didn't get here yet but when it does I'll be able to pay for things again. I stress out all the time about money, and honestly I just want to know I'll be okay. . I need to pay for things I need like food or hygiene stuff or whatever. . and if I can I need to put some in savings once I get an account with Jen in a few weeks. Plus when I get a car, like I said, I'll sell some of their shit on ebay and make money to live on and save that way. I need to know that I have a financial cushion when I turn 18, because I don't want to go out into the world and have 200 dollars. I need to support myself till I get a job, and I have no idea when that's going to be. . so, it's scary. But I know God'll take care of me, and while I'm here I'll scrape up what I can here and there. . some from people that can help me. . some from doing jobs for neighbors. . some from selling their junk. . some from the paid surveys. And maybe when I can drive it'll be easier to get a job in town. . they'll still say no, but maybe I can sneak it somehow. Definitely in college I'll work.
- The night sky and the stars are so beautiful. . specially when it isnt bone chillingly cold out. I kinda just want to lay on a blanket and watch it till I fall asleep. . when I'm out there, I feel like that's where I was meant to be. . . it's so calm. . . you hear the cars going by in the distance. . . and I feel like I'm free and I could just fly into it. All I need to do is spread my wings and lift off.
- Last night I was a model for Prom Fashion Show (A dress place and a tuxedo place rent dresses and tuxes to the school, we model them so that people'll buy them for the prom and we raise money for our club that Im in). . andd. . at first I was kinda nervous so I messed up on a few poses. . lol but then I rocked it. . so it was pretty awesome. My two best friends Michelle and Hunter were there. . then this cute senior from gym who I kinda flirt with was there. And all my friends who were also models looked awesome. . they were all fighting over who was gonna get paired up with me. . haha. So it was pretty funny. I also got kinda closer to my friend Crystal who I just met this year. . she's really cool :)
- I'm getting tons of mail from colleges. . it's so exciting. It helps me focus on the future and how amazing it's gonna be.
- I'm over halfway through junior year. . I can't believe it. February's almost over!! And after this, I only have like, three more months.
- It's going to get warmer soon :)
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Have to get this out.
Don't know if I ever told you guys, but they hoard plants too. Like, flowering plants. . during the winter they keep em all in the basement and they get all brown and ugly and I have to water them, then in the summer they grow back. The basement is the worst part of the house, and I just had to go down there to water them cause I was getting screamed at cause I've been working on my project all weekend and not doing anything else. Down there, it literally looks like a tornado went through. . . there are tons of cabinets and tables at the bottom, then just a bunch of chairs upside down or sideways, thrown on top of everything else. You don't even know. . . it's scary. If you just walked through it once you wouldn't care . . . neither would I if I were you. But living here all your life. . it does stuff to you. I feel like a mental case right now. . . I'm not scared. . . . I'm just so, so hurt and it looks so hopeless and broken and so twisted. It's kinda like a horror movie only in real life. You know, someone moves into an old house and there are hidden places that they find and weird things start to happen and then whatever's there ends up killing them? That's what I feel like. This house has so many secrets. . so many dark places. . . it smells like mold and the air almost feels heavy. She's been cryin and screaming last night and today. . she screamed prolly three times today, really bad. I want to be in someone's arms right now. . . I really don't care whose. . . just a good person. A mom, or a girl. So many flashbacks. . .
Okay. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to finish my project. Then I'm going to reward myself by going over my neighbor's house and watching TV and eating chips and emptying her fridge :). Then I'm going to inbox some of my friends that live around here, and go over their houses this week. Then I'm gradually going to start going over more and more peoples' houses, and stay the heck out of here. Then I'm going to start going to the mall with my friends. I'm going to open a bank account and save whatever money I could instead of hiding it around my room. I'm going to get interest. Then, it's going to be summer and before you know it I'm going to take driver's ed and I'll figure out getting a car and insurance.
Please, God. I need help. I can't stay here anymore. Make them get in a car accident. Make her get cancer. I don't care. Get me out of here. Please.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come; thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Get me out.
Okay. Here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to finish my project. Then I'm going to reward myself by going over my neighbor's house and watching TV and eating chips and emptying her fridge :). Then I'm going to inbox some of my friends that live around here, and go over their houses this week. Then I'm gradually going to start going over more and more peoples' houses, and stay the heck out of here. Then I'm going to start going to the mall with my friends. I'm going to open a bank account and save whatever money I could instead of hiding it around my room. I'm going to get interest. Then, it's going to be summer and before you know it I'm going to take driver's ed and I'll figure out getting a car and insurance.
Please, God. I need help. I can't stay here anymore. Make them get in a car accident. Make her get cancer. I don't care. Get me out of here. Please.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come; thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread
And forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us
And lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done
On Earth as it is in Heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us and lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee
Blessed art thou among women and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Get me out.
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Silent Truth
rr..Rirr. rr..Rirr. rr..Rirr. rr..Rirr. rr. . Ri-VOOOOOoooooom! I cringed and stared at the master bedroom window at the opposite side of the house, but it stayed dark. They were sound asleep. I let out my breath and glanced at the side mirror, only to see a cloud of bluish-grey smoke, tinted red by the silent glow of the parking lights. Ice glistened across the vast expanse of the driveway, the neighbor’s lights reflecting off its surface. A pitch black shadow moved eerily across the pavement. I shut my eyes tightly, hugged my knees to my chest, and squeezed as hard as I could.
Instantly, memories flashed across my field of view, each leaving its own unique stamp on my mind, now writhing in pain. Towers of boxes loomed in the Great Room, almost reaching the second floor bridge above. A single lamp with a rusty Jesus figurine at its base cast an ominous, dark yellow light over each box. I thought I saw something move out of the corner of my eye, so I turned around, half expecting to see a man with no eyes, or a monster with yellow eyes, but there was only a pile of antique chairs.
Voices flew through my mind as if they were in a Nascar race. . .
“Dad, please make mom turn the heat up.” I whimpered.
He looked me up and down. “How many shirts are you wearing?”
“Four.”
“How many pairs of pants are you wearing?”
“Two.”
He shook his head. “Only four shirts, two pairs of pants, a hat, no jacket, and then you tell me you’re cold.” He turned back to his laptop and quietly said, “Obey your mother.”
******
“Dad, I need you to call the school and tell them I’m not coming today. . . I threw up two hours ago.”
“Did you get it all over the floor?”
******
“I’M SICK OF YOUR BULLSHIT, KID! GET IN THE HOUSE NOW OR I’LL FLATTEN YOU!” He pointed at the van.
******
“Get on your knees.” she snarled at me. “Sal, don’t move all of this furniture out of the car by yourself while Nobody over there’s standing with his arms crossed because he thinks he’s too good for tag sales.”
******
“You useless son of a bitch, I’ll unscrew every light bulb from its socket!”
******
“If our boxes are affecting you this much, then you have a problem. We’re going to try to get you help for it.”
******
“I’M SICK OF YOUR SHIT, KID!! YOU BETTER SHAPE UP, BUDDYBOY, OR YOU CAN LIVE ON THE STREET!”
******
“You ungrateful brat! You live in a mansion, and you have wonderful, loving, caring, nurturing parents. Tell me I’m a beautiful mother.”
“. . . You’re a beautiful mother.”
“Say it again.”
“You’re a beautiful mother.”
“Again.”
“You’re a beautiful mother.”
“Again. . .” her voice trailed off.
******
My eyes snapped open. I glanced to the side, and a cold, wet tear silently rolled down my cheek. All I wanted was my mom. No, not the son of a bitch bastard behind the bedroom window. I wanted my real mom. I needed to be hugged and kissed and snuggled. . . I needed to be loved. I also needed my babe. To be held so close that I knew I’d never be hurt again; to be loved so gently that miracles would happen with every kiss. I hugged the seat, pretending it was her.
I thought about all of the people from school and the community. . . friends, teachers, neighbors, church people. I loved them. . all of them. I only wished they understood. If I loved them so much, why’d I lie to them every day? Why did I just slap a convenient, fake smile on my face and pretend everything was okay? Why did I make up excuses like, ‘My computer broke.’ or ‘The power went out.’ When it was really because he threw me into the computer and it fell over, or it was so cold that I couldn’t write because my hand wouldn’t move?
I guess it was because I didn’t want sympathy. All I wanted was to be a normal, 15 year old kid. I needed to be me, not their perfect little lawyer, doctor, or businessman.
I shivered and watched each wisp of breath fill the air in front of me, then dissipate into nothingness. ‘It’s probably about time to turn the heat on.’ I decided.
Dust flew from the car’s ancient vents, but warm air soon followed. I stared at the Check Engine light on the dashboard and thought to myself, ‘Maybe one day I’ll write a memoir about all of this.’ Funny thing is, all of mine would be true.
2/13/10
A lot of people say, 'Kids are resilient. . they can handle almost anything.' Maybe that's true for little kids, cause they don't know any better . . they don't understand what's going on. When they get hit, all they know is, "Ow. . that hurts." When they get screamed at, all they know is, "Ow. . my ears hurt and I'm scared." When they're cold, all they know is, "Something's not right. I'm cold." But they don't know why they're getting hit. . or why they're getting screamed at. . . or why they're cold. . .or if there even is a why. And once those kids get to be adults, or get to at least understand why, it kills them. Killed me, for sure. And you have tons of flashbacks from when you were little. . and everything starts making sense. I shouldn't say making sense, because none of it makes sense - but you understand the cause of things not being right. That's when you grow up, because you realize you can't keep running away from it. . . you have to face it. You have to pretend, or do whatever you can depending on your situation to make things as good as they can be in that situation. And after a while of doing that, you get lost. And you keep trying to break through all the concrete walls in front of you, and sometimes you do. . but there's always more. But you have to keep going, cause if you stay in one place, you know you're gonna die.
This is how I feel right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPDcwjJ8pLg
I was going through some old stuff on my email, and I found this story I wrote for sophomore english. It's a memoir - basically a memory that you put on a piece of paper. Yes, my english teacher knew. I'll post it seperately. . I dont think it'll all fit on this one.
Something else I need to say - so, last night, I was afraid of turning into them and getting screwed up. And there's probably going to be times in the future where I'll be afraid again. But deep down, I know, I'm not going to be like them. Because one of the many differences between me and them is, I'm free. If it were up to me, I'd never lock myself up, or sit in one place all day, cryin and feeling sorry for myself. I'd never scream. . I think there's much better ways of getting something across to someone. I'd never lock myself out in the cold. I'd never threaten myself, or anyone else. I'd never obsess over my piles of junk, and think they're more important than my own kids. I'd hire a goddamn interior organizer and get it all the hell out of my house. Hell, I'd never even let it get to that point. I'd keep my promises. I'd say I love you to the people I love, at least once a day, no matter what. I'd never obsess over money and stocks and IBM, and think that they're more important than my life, and other peoples' lives, and life itself. I'd never take anything for granted. I don't, even right now. I'd never turn to alcohol or drugs to solve my problems, cause they won't. Only I can do that.
All those things are my core values: freedom, love, flying, expressing myself, peace. . . and no one can ever change those. . not even me. Those are engraved in my heart. . . and I'm proud that they are. If I ever got depressed for a second (which I totally don't see happening), I'd just be like, what the hell am I doing? There's a whole world out there for me to see and I'm being lame? And I'd get in my car and go. I'm always going to be the one to take a risk. . always will be the one out partying with my friends and livin it up. . . when I'm 80 years old, I'm gonna be the one to do donuts in the parking lot in my Buick or my Oldsmobile ;). I'm always going to be the one to speed on the highway in my droptop stang, blasting rap or techno or freakin Spice Girls, just cause I feel like it. I'm always going to be the one to reach higher and follow my dreams. I'm always going to be a leader. It's in my blood. . cause I put it there.
This is how I feel right now:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPDcwjJ8pLg
I was going through some old stuff on my email, and I found this story I wrote for sophomore english. It's a memoir - basically a memory that you put on a piece of paper. Yes, my english teacher knew. I'll post it seperately. . I dont think it'll all fit on this one.
Something else I need to say - so, last night, I was afraid of turning into them and getting screwed up. And there's probably going to be times in the future where I'll be afraid again. But deep down, I know, I'm not going to be like them. Because one of the many differences between me and them is, I'm free. If it were up to me, I'd never lock myself up, or sit in one place all day, cryin and feeling sorry for myself. I'd never scream. . I think there's much better ways of getting something across to someone. I'd never lock myself out in the cold. I'd never threaten myself, or anyone else. I'd never obsess over my piles of junk, and think they're more important than my own kids. I'd hire a goddamn interior organizer and get it all the hell out of my house. Hell, I'd never even let it get to that point. I'd keep my promises. I'd say I love you to the people I love, at least once a day, no matter what. I'd never obsess over money and stocks and IBM, and think that they're more important than my life, and other peoples' lives, and life itself. I'd never take anything for granted. I don't, even right now. I'd never turn to alcohol or drugs to solve my problems, cause they won't. Only I can do that.
All those things are my core values: freedom, love, flying, expressing myself, peace. . . and no one can ever change those. . not even me. Those are engraved in my heart. . . and I'm proud that they are. If I ever got depressed for a second (which I totally don't see happening), I'd just be like, what the hell am I doing? There's a whole world out there for me to see and I'm being lame? And I'd get in my car and go. I'm always going to be the one to take a risk. . always will be the one out partying with my friends and livin it up. . . when I'm 80 years old, I'm gonna be the one to do donuts in the parking lot in my Buick or my Oldsmobile ;). I'm always going to be the one to speed on the highway in my droptop stang, blasting rap or techno or freakin Spice Girls, just cause I feel like it. I'm always going to be the one to reach higher and follow my dreams. I'm always going to be a leader. It's in my blood. . cause I put it there.
Friday, February 12, 2010
2/12/10
It's so cold right now. Seriously, it must be like, 50 degrees. . . usually it's at least around 56 or 57 at night. I can't feel my nose or my feet or my hands, and I'm using those air activated handwarmers that you shake, and it gets warm. My hands are so cold that they suck the heat out of the handwarmers so they feel pretty cold too. I also have electric handwarmers that you plug in your USB. . those get really hot which is good. But they're like, tiny one by two inch squares. . haha. . so they can't heat much. But it's better than nothing, right?
I walked outside today, then I walked back in. . you could barely feel the difference. . haha. The high for today was like, 30 somethin degrees. Right now Im trying to get some work done, but all day it's been freeezzzing. . . that's like one of the only things I completely can't stand. But anyway. . whatever. It is the way it is. . . Just gotta deal.
So, I didn't work on the big project at all today. . . today my goal was just to get everything else done so I didn't have to worry about it, and have a clear mind when I needed to do the project. . . I didn't even make the goal, so far. . but I'm going to before I go to sleep.
Honestly, right now I feel like just saying, fuck everything, I don't care. Because. . I don't even know why. I just feel so, so lost. I don't get how sometimes I have hope and I'm totally gung-ho, and I'm like, I can do anything. . and other times I feel lost and broken. . and other times I just want to be held. . . and other times, (like right now) I feel like I'm being totally negative and depressing, and other times I feel like I have things to look forward to. . . and other times I think that I'm going to do all these things and make all these dreams come true and I'm going to be on Oprah and I'm going to get out of here before I'm 18. . and other times I just want to play it safe, because I'm scared. I don't know what I want, I don't know what's best, and I'm so confused. I just feel like I'm in a total fog right now. . with all these words flying around me. . trapped. . confused. . scared. . . lost. . . positive. . . love. . . keep going. . . fake. . real. . . peace. . freedom. . safe. . . And I don't know what I want, or what any of this means, or why I'm here. All I know is, I want to be out of this fog. I want to be in control of my own life. I don't want to be screamed at. I want it to be warm, and I want to be comfortable, and I want to fit in, and I want to be a kid. And I want love. I feel like I've done everything I could to get out of this. . . chaos. I feel like I'm drowning, and I need someone to dive in and save me. I want to be saved. . and once I can breathe again and Im free, I know I'll be all right. I'm not spending another winter here. And I'm not going to be isolated anymore.
God, I need you to show me a way to make things better, and give me the strength and courage to do it. To do everything I've been saying all along about following your dreams even when they seem impossible. And I need you to give me a good mom and a new family . . . and I need to see them and be with them in real life. I think you meant for my life to amount to something at least more than hiding my shampoo and my cell phone in my printer, and not being able to feel my hands, and feeling like I'm going crazy every day because I don't know what I could do to be free from this house and these chains. I think you meant for there to be love. . and I think you want me to be with my friends. . . and have a home. . . and touch the sky. Or am I just an experiment to see how long a dude can survive before he breaks? Because God, I can barely control what I say anymore. I can barely express what I want to say anymore, because of all of these thoughts whizzing around in my head like mosquitoes. I can barely pretend, and control myself when she screams at me anymore. I can barely slap that smile on my face anymore. You're killing me. Do you realize that you're killing me? Do you want me to be screwed up for the rest of my life? Do you want me to turn into them? Because this is exactly how she got screwed up. . . if her "story" is even true. You made me. You know my personality. You know how free I am. . how happy I am. . how carefree I am. . . how smart I am. . . how loving I am. . . how much fun I can be. . how much of a kid I am inside. So why are you putting me in an environment that's the exact opposite? I never did anything bad, and I never want to do anything bad, or anything to deserve this. I just want to do good for the world, and to have fun and be free and be a kid. And I'm never going to take the little things for granted. . or the big things. . or anything.
I don't know. I gotta go to sleep.
I walked outside today, then I walked back in. . you could barely feel the difference. . haha. The high for today was like, 30 somethin degrees. Right now Im trying to get some work done, but all day it's been freeezzzing. . . that's like one of the only things I completely can't stand. But anyway. . whatever. It is the way it is. . . Just gotta deal.
So, I didn't work on the big project at all today. . . today my goal was just to get everything else done so I didn't have to worry about it, and have a clear mind when I needed to do the project. . . I didn't even make the goal, so far. . but I'm going to before I go to sleep.
Honestly, right now I feel like just saying, fuck everything, I don't care. Because. . I don't even know why. I just feel so, so lost. I don't get how sometimes I have hope and I'm totally gung-ho, and I'm like, I can do anything. . and other times I feel lost and broken. . and other times I just want to be held. . . and other times, (like right now) I feel like I'm being totally negative and depressing, and other times I feel like I have things to look forward to. . . and other times I think that I'm going to do all these things and make all these dreams come true and I'm going to be on Oprah and I'm going to get out of here before I'm 18. . and other times I just want to play it safe, because I'm scared. I don't know what I want, I don't know what's best, and I'm so confused. I just feel like I'm in a total fog right now. . with all these words flying around me. . trapped. . confused. . scared. . . lost. . . positive. . . love. . . keep going. . . fake. . real. . . peace. . freedom. . safe. . . And I don't know what I want, or what any of this means, or why I'm here. All I know is, I want to be out of this fog. I want to be in control of my own life. I don't want to be screamed at. I want it to be warm, and I want to be comfortable, and I want to fit in, and I want to be a kid. And I want love. I feel like I've done everything I could to get out of this. . . chaos. I feel like I'm drowning, and I need someone to dive in and save me. I want to be saved. . and once I can breathe again and Im free, I know I'll be all right. I'm not spending another winter here. And I'm not going to be isolated anymore.
God, I need you to show me a way to make things better, and give me the strength and courage to do it. To do everything I've been saying all along about following your dreams even when they seem impossible. And I need you to give me a good mom and a new family . . . and I need to see them and be with them in real life. I think you meant for my life to amount to something at least more than hiding my shampoo and my cell phone in my printer, and not being able to feel my hands, and feeling like I'm going crazy every day because I don't know what I could do to be free from this house and these chains. I think you meant for there to be love. . and I think you want me to be with my friends. . . and have a home. . . and touch the sky. Or am I just an experiment to see how long a dude can survive before he breaks? Because God, I can barely control what I say anymore. I can barely express what I want to say anymore, because of all of these thoughts whizzing around in my head like mosquitoes. I can barely pretend, and control myself when she screams at me anymore. I can barely slap that smile on my face anymore. You're killing me. Do you realize that you're killing me? Do you want me to be screwed up for the rest of my life? Do you want me to turn into them? Because this is exactly how she got screwed up. . . if her "story" is even true. You made me. You know my personality. You know how free I am. . how happy I am. . how carefree I am. . . how smart I am. . . how loving I am. . . how much fun I can be. . how much of a kid I am inside. So why are you putting me in an environment that's the exact opposite? I never did anything bad, and I never want to do anything bad, or anything to deserve this. I just want to do good for the world, and to have fun and be free and be a kid. And I'm never going to take the little things for granted. . or the big things. . or anything.
I don't know. I gotta go to sleep.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Footprints in the Sand
You walked with me,
Footprints in the sand;
And helped me understand
Where I’m going.
You walked with me,
When I was all alone. .
With so much I know along the way
Then I heard you say:
I promise you,
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you,
When you need a friend. .
You’ll find my footprints in the sand. <3
I see my life
Flash across the sky;
So many times have I been so afraid. .
And just when I. .
I thought I lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on;
That’s when I heard you say:
I promise you,
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you,
When you need a friend. . .
You’ll find my footprints in the sand. <3
When I’m weary
Well, I know you’ll be there :)
And I can feel you
When you say,
I promise you,
I’m always there
When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend,
You'll find my footprints in the sand. <3
Footprints in the sand;
And helped me understand
Where I’m going.
You walked with me,
When I was all alone. .
With so much I know along the way
Then I heard you say:
I promise you,
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you,
When you need a friend. .
You’ll find my footprints in the sand. <3
I see my life
Flash across the sky;
So many times have I been so afraid. .
And just when I. .
I thought I lost my way
You gave me strength to carry on;
That’s when I heard you say:
I promise you,
I’m always there
When your heart is filled with sorrow and despair
I’ll carry you,
When you need a friend. . .
You’ll find my footprints in the sand. <3
When I’m weary
Well, I know you’ll be there :)
And I can feel you
When you say,
I promise you,
I’m always there
When your heart is full of sadness and despair
I’ll carry you
When you need a friend,
You'll find my footprints in the sand. <3
2/11/10
Today I watched a movie at my neighbor's house cause I had to get the heck out of here. The screaming and her depression were really bad today. For now it's mostly at him. She called him (among other things) a "useless bastard" cause he didn't bring her juice fast enough. He took it this time. . didn't scream back. I just wish he knew that it didn't have to be like this. But he doesn't. . he won't. I know that's not going to change. His mind and heart aren't open. . . I don't think they ever will be.
Anyway. . the movie was called "The Pact" (the story was by Jodi Piccolt). True story. Two families were best friends and neighbors. One family had a son. . the other family had a daughter. They fell in love. She got depressed. . . they made a pact to commit suicide. . . he played along because he knew he was the only one who could stop her from doing it. She killed herself, he didn't kill himself.
While I was watching it, I thought. . why would she ever want to do something like that? She was beautiful. . . They both had beautiful houses. . . green grass. . . good parents. And so much love. What I would call a good life.
Then I thought. . . no matter what I think, I can't judge her. I can't judge them. I can't judge the girl sitting next to me in chem class, or even my best friend. My best friend Jesse thought he knew me since we met in 6th grade. He knew my parents weren't the best, but he didn't know anything else till I told him about a month ago. He always wanted me to come over and chill. . but I just said that I don't get out much. . he didn't think twice about it. Maybe someone starving right now on the street would think my life is beautiful. . but he doesn't have the same exact experiences, memories, and life to judge me.
We all have our secrets. Most of us are broken inside. . whether we want to admit it or not. Whether it was your first love, who broke your heart and left you on the side of the road, or whether it was an abusive parent, or whether you were depressed, or whether you grew up poor, or whether you grew up "rich" and your parents expected you to be their perfect miracle and no matter how hard you tried, you never could be. We all have our own story.
Well, this is my story. My name is Lance, and I am beautiful.
I'm not always right, and most of the time I'm probably a total hypocrite, but I say what I think. I say how I feel, and I tell my story.
And no matter what, I know I'm beautiful. And so are you. And so is the girl who takes the train with you to work every morning. And so is the homeless person you passed on the street. And so is the guy in the black suit with the black briefcase you see walking by. And so are my brother and my sister.
I can't say my parents are beautiful. But I do think there's good in both of them. . I think there's good in every human being on this planet. And that good, no matter how big or small it is, or whether we decide to show it or not - it's beautiful. We shouldn't judge each other on how much good God blessed us with, but we should love each other for it, and know that we can always change the amount of good we have in us - we just can't ever be completely evil or completely good, no matter how much we want to be.
And no matter what, we can't ever give up. Emily's probably looking down on me typing this right now, and wishing she didn't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER2dWQWvgXE
http://www.youtube.com/user/Pepitepi#p/u/72/7jnrx0ptJI0
Mom. . . I know you're out there somewhere. And I know you love me. And I really need you right now. I need you to show me how to trust you, and how to let myself go, and forget. I need you to truly not want anything but for me to be happy. I need you to be there to talk to. . . and I need you to be my friend. . . someone normal to hang out with. I need you to let me be free to be who I want to be. I'm done with the emotional chains, and the locks, and the alarms. I need you to never talk about her again, because I'm not her son. I'm yours.
Please hold on. Soon you won't be broken. You're always gonna be beautiful.
Sometimes, I think I need an angel.
Anyway. . the movie was called "The Pact" (the story was by Jodi Piccolt). True story. Two families were best friends and neighbors. One family had a son. . the other family had a daughter. They fell in love. She got depressed. . . they made a pact to commit suicide. . . he played along because he knew he was the only one who could stop her from doing it. She killed herself, he didn't kill himself.
While I was watching it, I thought. . why would she ever want to do something like that? She was beautiful. . . They both had beautiful houses. . . green grass. . . good parents. And so much love. What I would call a good life.
Then I thought. . . no matter what I think, I can't judge her. I can't judge them. I can't judge the girl sitting next to me in chem class, or even my best friend. My best friend Jesse thought he knew me since we met in 6th grade. He knew my parents weren't the best, but he didn't know anything else till I told him about a month ago. He always wanted me to come over and chill. . but I just said that I don't get out much. . he didn't think twice about it. Maybe someone starving right now on the street would think my life is beautiful. . but he doesn't have the same exact experiences, memories, and life to judge me.
We all have our secrets. Most of us are broken inside. . whether we want to admit it or not. Whether it was your first love, who broke your heart and left you on the side of the road, or whether it was an abusive parent, or whether you were depressed, or whether you grew up poor, or whether you grew up "rich" and your parents expected you to be their perfect miracle and no matter how hard you tried, you never could be. We all have our own story.
Well, this is my story. My name is Lance, and I am beautiful.
I'm not always right, and most of the time I'm probably a total hypocrite, but I say what I think. I say how I feel, and I tell my story.
And no matter what, I know I'm beautiful. And so are you. And so is the girl who takes the train with you to work every morning. And so is the homeless person you passed on the street. And so is the guy in the black suit with the black briefcase you see walking by. And so are my brother and my sister.
I can't say my parents are beautiful. But I do think there's good in both of them. . I think there's good in every human being on this planet. And that good, no matter how big or small it is, or whether we decide to show it or not - it's beautiful. We shouldn't judge each other on how much good God blessed us with, but we should love each other for it, and know that we can always change the amount of good we have in us - we just can't ever be completely evil or completely good, no matter how much we want to be.
And no matter what, we can't ever give up. Emily's probably looking down on me typing this right now, and wishing she didn't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER2dWQWvgXE
http://www.youtube.com/user/Pepitepi#p/u/72/7jnrx0ptJI0
Mom. . . I know you're out there somewhere. And I know you love me. And I really need you right now. I need you to show me how to trust you, and how to let myself go, and forget. I need you to truly not want anything but for me to be happy. I need you to be there to talk to. . . and I need you to be my friend. . . someone normal to hang out with. I need you to let me be free to be who I want to be. I'm done with the emotional chains, and the locks, and the alarms. I need you to never talk about her again, because I'm not her son. I'm yours.
Please hold on. Soon you won't be broken. You're always gonna be beautiful.
Sometimes, I think I need an angel.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
2/10/10
Dreams can totally take you to a different place. . :)
Once you get there, you know that somewhere inside you, there's still hope.
Hope for all the beautiful things in the world.
Hope that you're a part of something bigger than yourself.
Hope that you're living for something.
Hope that God has much bigger plans for you than you think.
Hope that even the smallest change can make all the difference.
Hope for the courage to not be afraid to find yourself.
Hope that one day it'll all make sense.
Hope in more dreams, and in love.
And, ladies and gentlemen, this'll be one of the rare nights I'll go to sleep with hope. :)
(Of course. . it's always in there somewhere. . . Maybe I should say, this is one of the rare nights it came out)
So many memories in this song. . . and at the same time, there are no memories at all:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDSZ4-cnRuU&feature=related
Love you honey bunches of oats. Wherever you are.
. . .man I gotta work on those corny phrases.
Once you get there, you know that somewhere inside you, there's still hope.
Hope for all the beautiful things in the world.
Hope that you're a part of something bigger than yourself.
Hope that you're living for something.
Hope that God has much bigger plans for you than you think.
Hope that even the smallest change can make all the difference.
Hope for the courage to not be afraid to find yourself.
Hope that one day it'll all make sense.
Hope in more dreams, and in love.
And, ladies and gentlemen, this'll be one of the rare nights I'll go to sleep with hope. :)
(Of course. . it's always in there somewhere. . . Maybe I should say, this is one of the rare nights it came out)
So many memories in this song. . . and at the same time, there are no memories at all:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDSZ4-cnRuU&feature=related
Love you honey bunches of oats. Wherever you are.
. . .man I gotta work on those corny phrases.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
2/9/10
Okay. . so first off, seriously, in my last post, I totally sounded like a country hick/tool. "Had a good long cry?" "Self-righteous son of a bitch?" Wow. . I must have country cooties. Country cooties? Okay. . now Ill just stop talking. Hahaha. . .
So, overall, right now, Im totally overwhelmed with everything. I'm getting emotional, and I can't do that. (Maybe I'm getting emotional because all the time I have to act like a robot in front of them. . ). . . but. . ugh. I feel like I need break, but I have this huge two year long project for science due tuesday, and I just finished getting all the special materials I needed for it like a couple weeks ago (I had to ask like 5 million people to go to the store and buy me supplies, then I had to get supplies from radioshack. . total pain). . so I just actually did the experiment not even two weeks ago, and now I have to write like this huge 20-30 page analysis on it this weekend. Im like, dude. . seriously? Then I have to deal with all the normal BS, and Im trying to make myself feel happy and tell myself how much better it's going to get once I start going over peoples houses more (which is also going to be a total pain, to start sneaking out/figuring out how to leave more), but Im not producing on my promises, so I'm letting myself down. . . I feel like I'm in the spiral of hell right now. . . haha (But naturally I laugh at that too)
So, okay. I'm going to give myself a break and watch a movie online tonight. Then tomorrow, I have a snow day, so I'm going to at least start the project, and get everything else I have to do done - (like all the little things that are easy, but they're still items on my to-do list, and because I know they're each separate items, they're contributing to the stress/being overwhelmed). Then every day I have to get two major parts of the project done, and then I'll be good. I'm gonna make it my goal to be done by sunday, because whenever anything goes into the last day before it's due, I stay up all night doing it, and then I get screamed at during the day, and in the middle of the night - so, I need to give myself flexibilty for that too.
That's one major thing I need you guys to pray for/send good karma/do whatever you can for me for this weekend: that's there's minimal screaming/crap that I have to deal with. This weekend has to be my buckle down and work weekend, cause this project's huge and it's like, 60% of my second semester grade.
I decided not to keep posting messages all over youtube unless I'm really depressed/desperate. Every time all that happens is that people feel bad for me, and some are like, call CPS, then I have to explain it all, and it's not helping. Maybe when I free up a little I'll just post the basics on here so that it's easier for people to understand. I know it can be frustrating to deal with someone who's asking for help, but you don't know how to help them or the specifics of their situation. So I'll try to do that.
My other problem is, I'm totally overwhelmed with colleges, which I haven't even looked at yet. . . I still dont know if they're going to pay for college, I dont know how to get loans, I have to find a good college that fits what I want to go into, but honestly, I dont even know what I want to go into. So, it's all really really really annoying. Like, the only thing I know for sure is that I don't want to go into anything math related, like engineering or accounting - I dont want anything to do with computers or nerds, like computer science or programming (no offense to nerds. . I think you guys are really cool actually but I just have a totally different personality), and I don't want to be stuck in one place. I don't want an office cubicle job. I want to do something fun, where I get to see people a lot and see things and go places and learn how things work and make connections and talk a lot, with a good salary. So I think it's going to be marketing/sales (at least as my safety job). Beyond that, I kind of don't really want to choose a path cause I'd never be able to stick to it. I want to do a little of everything. Like, business (sales), acting, singing, being a painter, being an author (I'm totally gonna write a book about them/a memoir about my life), maybe sports if I could get into something where I get paid, being famous, helping people and being a major influence, making commercials for companies, starting my own business. . . and so much more. Hahaha I want to do it all. . Basically I think the reason I'm like that so much, is because I want to be free, and not tied down, since I've been living my whole life caged/trapped - physically and emotionally. So I need to make up for it during the rest of my life. . especially while Im young. Like, I get so emotional sometimes, and so sad/depressed that I never had a good time as a kid, and I'm still not being able to be a kid, and I had to grow up emotionally like, when I was 14 or 15. Before that, I never even realized how fucked up they are. I remember when she'd make me cry and say really twisted shit to me like, when I was 10 years old. . and I thought being told things like, "It isn't worth the gas to drive you to band practice every day so you can't do it" and "You're never going to do anything in life without my approval" and "I'm a hoarder because I love you so much that I bought all these things for you" was totally normal. Ughh. And all my friends are doing all these things without me, and like, I'll see pictures on facebook, and. . I dont know. . it really hurts. Like, they alllllll drive. They're all like, going everywhere - on the highway to see their friends in the next town, to all the sports games, working, getting money - everything. And every day I come home, I check my email and get excited if I get something, and I either get depressed or start to get depressed and then get myself out of it by telling myself everything'll be okay, I just have to be positive. But anyway. . so the point is it gets like, overwhelmingly, hugely, totally, dumbfoundedly, crazily depressing when I think of all I"m missing out on right now.
So, conclusion - I have to not think about any of that until I get my project done. Once I get it done, I have to make a game plan of exactly what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it, to get more freedom and get the fuck out of their twisted hell house and not go through mental torture - at least not every single day. I have to ease myself into being a kid, and try to be around normal people as much as possible so I learn how they live and how to be accepted the way I want to be. I could use all my friends as practice, and once I go to college, I could be a totally new person and act like none of this ever happened and be equal to everyone else. It's all gonna get better soon.
Speaking of things getting better, I GOT THEM TO SAY YES TO DRIVER'S ED!!!! I had to sit through half an hour of hell - screaming, then crying, then screaming again, then normal, then screaming - in order to get it out of them, but I did!!! The "agreement" with my dad was that I could get my license - I just can't drive. . . but like I fuckin care about the not being able to drive part!?! Once I have my license in my hand, I could conquer the world!! Hahaha. No but seriously - I have an ID to make my own bank account, and for whatever else I need an ID for, AND once I have the money, all I have to do is sneak buying a car and car insurance and I'm home free!!
I need prayers/support now more than ever - for love, peace, and freedom. Honestly, I feel like I need a miracle to happen. . I'm not put together at all. Maybe I just need sleep right now. . life can wait till tomorrow. Ugh I feel nauseous. . It'll be over soon. And Im gonna fly.
So, overall, right now, Im totally overwhelmed with everything. I'm getting emotional, and I can't do that. (Maybe I'm getting emotional because all the time I have to act like a robot in front of them. . ). . . but. . ugh. I feel like I need break, but I have this huge two year long project for science due tuesday, and I just finished getting all the special materials I needed for it like a couple weeks ago (I had to ask like 5 million people to go to the store and buy me supplies, then I had to get supplies from radioshack. . total pain). . so I just actually did the experiment not even two weeks ago, and now I have to write like this huge 20-30 page analysis on it this weekend. Im like, dude. . seriously? Then I have to deal with all the normal BS, and Im trying to make myself feel happy and tell myself how much better it's going to get once I start going over peoples houses more (which is also going to be a total pain, to start sneaking out/figuring out how to leave more), but Im not producing on my promises, so I'm letting myself down. . . I feel like I'm in the spiral of hell right now. . . haha (But naturally I laugh at that too)
So, okay. I'm going to give myself a break and watch a movie online tonight. Then tomorrow, I have a snow day, so I'm going to at least start the project, and get everything else I have to do done - (like all the little things that are easy, but they're still items on my to-do list, and because I know they're each separate items, they're contributing to the stress/being overwhelmed). Then every day I have to get two major parts of the project done, and then I'll be good. I'm gonna make it my goal to be done by sunday, because whenever anything goes into the last day before it's due, I stay up all night doing it, and then I get screamed at during the day, and in the middle of the night - so, I need to give myself flexibilty for that too.
That's one major thing I need you guys to pray for/send good karma/do whatever you can for me for this weekend: that's there's minimal screaming/crap that I have to deal with. This weekend has to be my buckle down and work weekend, cause this project's huge and it's like, 60% of my second semester grade.
I decided not to keep posting messages all over youtube unless I'm really depressed/desperate. Every time all that happens is that people feel bad for me, and some are like, call CPS, then I have to explain it all, and it's not helping. Maybe when I free up a little I'll just post the basics on here so that it's easier for people to understand. I know it can be frustrating to deal with someone who's asking for help, but you don't know how to help them or the specifics of their situation. So I'll try to do that.
My other problem is, I'm totally overwhelmed with colleges, which I haven't even looked at yet. . . I still dont know if they're going to pay for college, I dont know how to get loans, I have to find a good college that fits what I want to go into, but honestly, I dont even know what I want to go into. So, it's all really really really annoying. Like, the only thing I know for sure is that I don't want to go into anything math related, like engineering or accounting - I dont want anything to do with computers or nerds, like computer science or programming (no offense to nerds. . I think you guys are really cool actually but I just have a totally different personality), and I don't want to be stuck in one place. I don't want an office cubicle job. I want to do something fun, where I get to see people a lot and see things and go places and learn how things work and make connections and talk a lot, with a good salary. So I think it's going to be marketing/sales (at least as my safety job). Beyond that, I kind of don't really want to choose a path cause I'd never be able to stick to it. I want to do a little of everything. Like, business (sales), acting, singing, being a painter, being an author (I'm totally gonna write a book about them/a memoir about my life), maybe sports if I could get into something where I get paid, being famous, helping people and being a major influence, making commercials for companies, starting my own business. . . and so much more. Hahaha I want to do it all. . Basically I think the reason I'm like that so much, is because I want to be free, and not tied down, since I've been living my whole life caged/trapped - physically and emotionally. So I need to make up for it during the rest of my life. . especially while Im young. Like, I get so emotional sometimes, and so sad/depressed that I never had a good time as a kid, and I'm still not being able to be a kid, and I had to grow up emotionally like, when I was 14 or 15. Before that, I never even realized how fucked up they are. I remember when she'd make me cry and say really twisted shit to me like, when I was 10 years old. . and I thought being told things like, "It isn't worth the gas to drive you to band practice every day so you can't do it" and "You're never going to do anything in life without my approval" and "I'm a hoarder because I love you so much that I bought all these things for you" was totally normal. Ughh. And all my friends are doing all these things without me, and like, I'll see pictures on facebook, and. . I dont know. . it really hurts. Like, they alllllll drive. They're all like, going everywhere - on the highway to see their friends in the next town, to all the sports games, working, getting money - everything. And every day I come home, I check my email and get excited if I get something, and I either get depressed or start to get depressed and then get myself out of it by telling myself everything'll be okay, I just have to be positive. But anyway. . so the point is it gets like, overwhelmingly, hugely, totally, dumbfoundedly, crazily depressing when I think of all I"m missing out on right now.
So, conclusion - I have to not think about any of that until I get my project done. Once I get it done, I have to make a game plan of exactly what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it, to get more freedom and get the fuck out of their twisted hell house and not go through mental torture - at least not every single day. I have to ease myself into being a kid, and try to be around normal people as much as possible so I learn how they live and how to be accepted the way I want to be. I could use all my friends as practice, and once I go to college, I could be a totally new person and act like none of this ever happened and be equal to everyone else. It's all gonna get better soon.
Speaking of things getting better, I GOT THEM TO SAY YES TO DRIVER'S ED!!!! I had to sit through half an hour of hell - screaming, then crying, then screaming again, then normal, then screaming - in order to get it out of them, but I did!!! The "agreement" with my dad was that I could get my license - I just can't drive. . . but like I fuckin care about the not being able to drive part!?! Once I have my license in my hand, I could conquer the world!! Hahaha. No but seriously - I have an ID to make my own bank account, and for whatever else I need an ID for, AND once I have the money, all I have to do is sneak buying a car and car insurance and I'm home free!!
I need prayers/support now more than ever - for love, peace, and freedom. Honestly, I feel like I need a miracle to happen. . I'm not put together at all. Maybe I just need sleep right now. . life can wait till tomorrow. Ugh I feel nauseous. . It'll be over soon. And Im gonna fly.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
2/6/10
Got into a fight with my brother today (He came for the weekend to calm them down).
He was being a self-righteous son of a bitch.
Then he said all he wants is a family,
He doesn't think they're hopeless.
He thinks one day it'll all be better, and he doesn't want me to get hurt.
Then I had a good long cry. Then dumbfounded.
Don't know anything anymore. I hope I'm still in my head somewhere underneath the surface. . hidden. Safe.
God help me to love to be strong to be happy help them please god i want love, safety, hope, faith, beauty, freedom, peace, promises that will be kept, love.
baby wherever you are i love you so much and i need you right now. im so broken and i dont care. so broken. need you to be my light and my fortress. we're gonna change the world
i will survive for her.
He was being a self-righteous son of a bitch.
Then he said all he wants is a family,
He doesn't think they're hopeless.
He thinks one day it'll all be better, and he doesn't want me to get hurt.
Then I had a good long cry. Then dumbfounded.
Don't know anything anymore. I hope I'm still in my head somewhere underneath the surface. . hidden. Safe.
God help me to love to be strong to be happy help them please god i want love, safety, hope, faith, beauty, freedom, peace, promises that will be kept, love.
baby wherever you are i love you so much and i need you right now. im so broken and i dont care. so broken. need you to be my light and my fortress. we're gonna change the world
i will survive for her.
Friday, February 5, 2010
2/5/10
"When you're dreamin with a broken heart. . .
Then wakin up is the hardest part.
You're all outta bed, and down on your knees;
And for a moment, you could hardly breathe."
~ John Mayer
I have so many dreams. So many things I want to do in life, so many things I want to accomplish. . so many adventures I want to go on. . so many emotions to feel. So many visions. . .
Sometimes, not knowing if they'll come true is the hardest part. I know I have so much to offer, and I can be so big. . so amazing. And I could get out of this, and I'll never have to see it again. I don't want to waste my life in corporate america. . . I don't just want to work, bring money home, then do it all over again the next day. Whatever I do, I know, deep down, that's not what I was meant for. I don't want to be in an office cube. . I don't want to be "normal" . . or "average". I want to do so much more, and I know I can. I want to see the world. . I want to fly under the stars. . just over the mountaintops, with the birds, and have my princess right next to me. . . or in my arms. I want to make a car that runs on water. I want to go to new york and spend the whole day giving away money to homeless people. I want to surf in California. I want to make friends with an old person and find out all they've learned over their lifetime, and be there for them as it's coming to an end. I've already learned so much from so many different people. . had so many close relationships, and I don't even realize it, because I'm in stupid survival mode. But some stuff. . I'll never be able to forget, because I'll hold onto it for the rest of my life. . and remember the people I listened to, who helped make me who I am.
I think it's absolutely. . amazing. . how, we all interact with different people, and we each have our own life. . our own little niche in the world. And all together, all those different reactions between people and people, people and animals, even molecules. . . all of that makes up the world. . and reality. . and, life. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about who your friend saw today, what they did. . how it felt? All that's going on when you're not around? Or what your teacher's/coworker's life was like before you were born? Who she met. . . what she did. . what her dreams were. Everyone has dreams. . . some people let them go, though. I'm never going to let mine go. . because I believe in magic, and in miracles. . and in where there's a will there's a way. Even reading this blog right now. . you're a part of my life. . of my dreams.
Time is such a weird thing. . . tomorrow someone could call me and say that they're right outside. . . ready to take me out of this. . pay for me to go to college . . give me the foundation to make all my dreams come true. . even the ones I have doubts about. Or tomorrow could be just another day. . just another miracle. What about 10, 15 years from now? Where will I be? Where will you be? It's all so uncertain. . but at the same time, I think it's kind of fun. . kinda like a game. It's okay to give up. . . throw the board off the table. . . all the pieces on the floor. Some of the pieces might get chipped . . . some might break. But that's what super glue's for : ) It works on a heart, too. And on your soul. . and your personality. . . even on your dreams. Long as you pick the pieces up and start a new game. . .
Some of my dreams, I know for a fact, won't come true. I'm never going to have a soccer mom. It's always going to be him. . with white hair. . .in the 15 year old car. . stalling out every other mile. . . cursing because we hit a bump. . . or because the light won't turn green. . . or the car won't start. . . or he's late for another call. . . or the coupon for 70 cents won't go through at the store. He never takes the time to stop and look at how beautiful life is. . how many opportunities there are to make a difference. . or make a dream come true. . or party the night away. I'm a kid, and I know that. . . and the 62 year old director at IBM doesn't.
I'm never going to be able to go to high school again. . . never going to be a star in any sports tournaments, and have all my friends cheering me on in the sidelines. . . never going to take the girl I like to that special place everyone has. . and just sit there and talk. Prolly not gonna have my first kiss. . . not going to get my first car and hit 100 the first time I get to drive it. . not gonna be the star piano player. . . or saxophone player. . or guitar player. I've always wanted to try out guitar and sax. I like the tenor better than the baritone. . . maybe cause my singing voice's a tenor. . haha
I'll never get to be a kid. And that's the one thing that. . . no matter how big you dream. . . you can't fix. I guess it's just another device of time. But then again. . I can change time too . . and just never grow up : )
To be completely honest. . I'm tearin' up a little right now. Just crazy how the world works, I guess. . huh. How many nights you can't sleep. . just starin up at the ceiling, wondering why things are the way they are. . .
I hope I never get twisted. . . I mean, I prolly already am, at least a certain amount. In order to be a normal human being, you have to develop a core set of beliefs, and values, and ways of thinking, and stick to them. . otherwise you'll go crazy. . .you'll get run over by the world. . . by society. So I'm sure in that respect, everyone's views are biased to some extent, because of the environment they were in when they made those opinions. But the key is to keep an open mind beyond that. . stand for what you believe in, take the little things and just let them go, and the big things. . think about. Think about how they'll affect you, how they'll affect other people. . people you love. . or just people you don't know. Getting back to the point, though . . I don't think I'll ever get as twisted as them. . . long as I keep people close. . . all the joy in peoples' lives come from interaction with other people.
In the end. . I'll just make other dreams. . really big ones. And I'll work and work until I can make em happen. When Im 25 I might not be able to be in the back of my moms minivan with my friends. . maybe my dog. . but maybe I'll be in a limo, going to talk to some important person about how to change things. . make things better. Maybe when I'm 35 I could drive that minivan. . maybe I'll have kids with all the things I didn't have. Maybe in a way, I'll be able to have them after all. Maybe some nights, my babe'll hold her arms wide open. . and I'll crawl in next to her. . and we'll fall asleep holding each other. Maybe there'll be nothing but love.
Then wakin up is the hardest part.
You're all outta bed, and down on your knees;
And for a moment, you could hardly breathe."
~ John Mayer
I have so many dreams. So many things I want to do in life, so many things I want to accomplish. . so many adventures I want to go on. . so many emotions to feel. So many visions. . .
Sometimes, not knowing if they'll come true is the hardest part. I know I have so much to offer, and I can be so big. . so amazing. And I could get out of this, and I'll never have to see it again. I don't want to waste my life in corporate america. . . I don't just want to work, bring money home, then do it all over again the next day. Whatever I do, I know, deep down, that's not what I was meant for. I don't want to be in an office cube. . I don't want to be "normal" . . or "average". I want to do so much more, and I know I can. I want to see the world. . I want to fly under the stars. . just over the mountaintops, with the birds, and have my princess right next to me. . . or in my arms. I want to make a car that runs on water. I want to go to new york and spend the whole day giving away money to homeless people. I want to surf in California. I want to make friends with an old person and find out all they've learned over their lifetime, and be there for them as it's coming to an end. I've already learned so much from so many different people. . had so many close relationships, and I don't even realize it, because I'm in stupid survival mode. But some stuff. . I'll never be able to forget, because I'll hold onto it for the rest of my life. . and remember the people I listened to, who helped make me who I am.
I think it's absolutely. . amazing. . how, we all interact with different people, and we each have our own life. . our own little niche in the world. And all together, all those different reactions between people and people, people and animals, even molecules. . . all of that makes up the world. . and reality. . and, life. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about who your friend saw today, what they did. . how it felt? All that's going on when you're not around? Or what your teacher's/coworker's life was like before you were born? Who she met. . . what she did. . what her dreams were. Everyone has dreams. . . some people let them go, though. I'm never going to let mine go. . because I believe in magic, and in miracles. . and in where there's a will there's a way. Even reading this blog right now. . you're a part of my life. . of my dreams.
Time is such a weird thing. . . tomorrow someone could call me and say that they're right outside. . . ready to take me out of this. . pay for me to go to college . . give me the foundation to make all my dreams come true. . even the ones I have doubts about. Or tomorrow could be just another day. . just another miracle. What about 10, 15 years from now? Where will I be? Where will you be? It's all so uncertain. . but at the same time, I think it's kind of fun. . kinda like a game. It's okay to give up. . . throw the board off the table. . . all the pieces on the floor. Some of the pieces might get chipped . . . some might break. But that's what super glue's for : ) It works on a heart, too. And on your soul. . and your personality. . . even on your dreams. Long as you pick the pieces up and start a new game. . .
Some of my dreams, I know for a fact, won't come true. I'm never going to have a soccer mom. It's always going to be him. . with white hair. . .in the 15 year old car. . stalling out every other mile. . . cursing because we hit a bump. . . or because the light won't turn green. . . or the car won't start. . . or he's late for another call. . . or the coupon for 70 cents won't go through at the store. He never takes the time to stop and look at how beautiful life is. . how many opportunities there are to make a difference. . or make a dream come true. . or party the night away. I'm a kid, and I know that. . . and the 62 year old director at IBM doesn't.
I'm never going to be able to go to high school again. . . never going to be a star in any sports tournaments, and have all my friends cheering me on in the sidelines. . . never going to take the girl I like to that special place everyone has. . and just sit there and talk. Prolly not gonna have my first kiss. . . not going to get my first car and hit 100 the first time I get to drive it. . not gonna be the star piano player. . . or saxophone player. . or guitar player. I've always wanted to try out guitar and sax. I like the tenor better than the baritone. . . maybe cause my singing voice's a tenor. . haha
I'll never get to be a kid. And that's the one thing that. . . no matter how big you dream. . . you can't fix. I guess it's just another device of time. But then again. . I can change time too . . and just never grow up : )
To be completely honest. . I'm tearin' up a little right now. Just crazy how the world works, I guess. . huh. How many nights you can't sleep. . just starin up at the ceiling, wondering why things are the way they are. . .
I hope I never get twisted. . . I mean, I prolly already am, at least a certain amount. In order to be a normal human being, you have to develop a core set of beliefs, and values, and ways of thinking, and stick to them. . otherwise you'll go crazy. . .you'll get run over by the world. . . by society. So I'm sure in that respect, everyone's views are biased to some extent, because of the environment they were in when they made those opinions. But the key is to keep an open mind beyond that. . stand for what you believe in, take the little things and just let them go, and the big things. . think about. Think about how they'll affect you, how they'll affect other people. . people you love. . or just people you don't know. Getting back to the point, though . . I don't think I'll ever get as twisted as them. . . long as I keep people close. . . all the joy in peoples' lives come from interaction with other people.
In the end. . I'll just make other dreams. . really big ones. And I'll work and work until I can make em happen. When Im 25 I might not be able to be in the back of my moms minivan with my friends. . maybe my dog. . but maybe I'll be in a limo, going to talk to some important person about how to change things. . make things better. Maybe when I'm 35 I could drive that minivan. . maybe I'll have kids with all the things I didn't have. Maybe in a way, I'll be able to have them after all. Maybe some nights, my babe'll hold her arms wide open. . and I'll crawl in next to her. . and we'll fall asleep holding each other. Maybe there'll be nothing but love.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
2/3/10
Just do your best. . .
Do everything you can.
And don't you worry what their
Bitter hearts
Are gonna say.
Do everything you can.
And don't you worry what their
Bitter hearts
Are gonna say.
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