4/5/10

It's late so I don't have too much time to talk. But things have been steadier since the blowup the weekend before last. Other than cursing me out and putting me down behind my back when they think I can't hear through the walls, things have been fine. He's getting tired. . worn out. He's officially retiring June 1st. Made sure to make it so all his stock options and incentives (money) get executed before then, as usual. He's getting a year's salary package after that. Another 200k that's going to rot in the bank while he's complaining that they don't have enough to retire on. I saw ONE of his bank account printouts once when he forgot to stash it away in his mountains of paper. It said the account was at over 2 million dollars.

She's still changing every day. Depressed as hell some days, angry others, suspicious others, plain crazy others. But I don't want to talk about her. . she makes me sick.

And me. . . I've seen better days. Happier times. There are still the short glimpses of freedom, but they're starting to make me sick too. . like someone's holding the carrot in front of me but not letting me reach it for years. I'm still changing, and in some ways, I don't care. . in some ways, I'm removed from everyone and everything, even freedom. In some ways, I don't have fight left. Some ways I do. I'm just a kid. . what can a kid do? And at the same time, I can do anything. And at the same time, that phrase is way too pathetic and overused.

I feel like I'm driving through hell. Like there's a road with lava all around and all kinds of obstacles and potholes full of lava in my way. And the hounds are on my tail. I feel like a 40 year old. . the way I talk. . I feel like an 80 year old in the way I think sometimes. It's fucked up.

But like I said, it's getting late. I need to rest my head. I guess sometimes when you're driving through hell, you have to take one last look at the iron gates up ahead and what's beyond them. The sun, and the green grass, and the future. (and sometimes, you're damn right the grass is greener on the other side). And the road ahead of you is dropping off into the lava. You just have to put it in overdrive, floor the gas, hope you have a Toyota, and close your eyes.

I think tonight I'm gonna need two pillows. And a rosary.

Please.