I feel like crying again. . I'm so afraid. I had dinner with my neighbor down the street and we went to get ice cream with her daughter but I told them I was babysitting and I'm so afraid they'll find out. I know I sound like a total wuss and I sound like a two year old and I'm trying to control it but I can't. You don't know what they'd do to me if they found out. . I'd lose their trust again. . and then it's goodbye college. God help me if I give up now. There's so much drama and so much pressure. I know I need to loosen up and I seriously am trying to. . like every two seconds I'm stopping myself and telling myself that I'm totally overreacting. I'm doing the thing where you breathe in and out for ten seconds. But then it just keeps coming back. I don't know what to do. .
Anyway, just writing all that helped a little. I was talking to my neighbor and found out that she had an insane mother too. . got out, then went into a physically abusive relationship for 6 years. Now she has a huge house, an audi A4, and her husband has a beamer and a porsche boxter that he races. And they have an awesome daughter who I babysit for. The husband has all kinds of problems. . he had a tumor in his spine, got it removed but the nerves got damaged, and now he has really bad pain all the time in his feet. . almost had to have them amputated. And he's deaf in one ear and losing the other one. But he still made his dream come true. Both of them did.
God, I'm so scared. I'm soo scared.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EgPfeu1Q8cQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t_TL9YFemic
Maybe you should try writing on paper. That always brings me good vibes.
ReplyDeleteReally? Haha it doesn't make a difference to me. . long as I get it out. I don't write anything on paper ever cause if she finds it I'm screwed.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised she doesn't check this web page every so often, then. I mean, don't parents usually have facebook and myspace accounts to watch/stalk their children?
ReplyDeleteMy mother? Are you joking? hahaha. . she doesn't know computers from space ships. . . insane people don't really have facebook accounts, or friends. Every day she just sits and cries or screams or sleeps. . thank god she doesn't know computers, though. This is my only way to get to the outside world. The worst kind of abuse is when the parent acts normal around normal people, but turns into someone totally different around their kids. At least she hardly ever makes contact with civilization. . that way I could use my friends and teachers and people to help me get through
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