2/9/10

Okay. . so first off, seriously, in my last post, I totally sounded like a country hick/tool. "Had a good long cry?" "Self-righteous son of a bitch?" Wow. . I must have country cooties. Country cooties? Okay. . now Ill just stop talking. Hahaha. . .

So, overall, right now, Im totally overwhelmed with everything. I'm getting emotional, and I can't do that. (Maybe I'm getting emotional because all the time I have to act like a robot in front of them. . ). . . but. . ugh. I feel like I need break, but I have this huge two year long project for science due tuesday, and I just finished getting all the special materials I needed for it like a couple weeks ago (I had to ask like 5 million people to go to the store and buy me supplies, then I had to get supplies from radioshack. . total pain). . so I just actually did the experiment not even two weeks ago, and now I have to write like this huge 20-30 page analysis on it this weekend. Im like, dude. . seriously? Then I have to deal with all the normal BS, and Im trying to make myself feel happy and tell myself how much better it's going to get once I start going over peoples houses more (which is also going to be a total pain, to start sneaking out/figuring out how to leave more), but Im not producing on my promises, so I'm letting myself down. . . I feel like I'm in the spiral of hell right now. . . haha (But naturally I laugh at that too)

So, okay. I'm going to give myself a break and watch a movie online tonight. Then tomorrow, I have a snow day, so I'm going to at least start the project, and get everything else I have to do done - (like all the little things that are easy, but they're still items on my to-do list, and because I know they're each separate items, they're contributing to the stress/being overwhelmed). Then every day I have to get two major parts of the project done, and then I'll be good. I'm gonna make it my goal to be done by sunday, because whenever anything goes into the last day before it's due, I stay up all night doing it, and then I get screamed at during the day, and in the middle of the night - so, I need to give myself flexibilty for that too.

That's one major thing I need you guys to pray for/send good karma/do whatever you can for me for this weekend: that's there's minimal screaming/crap that I have to deal with. This weekend has to be my buckle down and work weekend, cause this project's huge and it's like, 60% of my second semester grade.

I decided not to keep posting messages all over youtube unless I'm really depressed/desperate. Every time all that happens is that people feel bad for me, and some are like, call CPS, then I have to explain it all, and it's not helping. Maybe when I free up a little I'll just post the basics on here so that it's easier for people to understand. I know it can be frustrating to deal with someone who's asking for help, but you don't know how to help them or the specifics of their situation. So I'll try to do that.

My other problem is, I'm totally overwhelmed with colleges, which I haven't even looked at yet. . . I still dont know if they're going to pay for college, I dont know how to get loans, I have to find a good college that fits what I want to go into, but honestly, I dont even know what I want to go into. So, it's all really really really annoying. Like, the only thing I know for sure is that I don't want to go into anything math related, like engineering or accounting - I dont want anything to do with computers or nerds, like computer science or programming (no offense to nerds. . I think you guys are really cool actually but I just have a totally different personality), and I don't want to be stuck in one place. I don't want an office cubicle job. I want to do something fun, where I get to see people a lot and see things and go places and learn how things work and make connections and talk a lot, with a good salary. So I think it's going to be marketing/sales (at least as my safety job). Beyond that, I kind of don't really want to choose a path cause I'd never be able to stick to it. I want to do a little of everything. Like, business (sales), acting, singing, being a painter, being an author (I'm totally gonna write a book about them/a memoir about my life), maybe sports if I could get into something where I get paid, being famous, helping people and being a major influence, making commercials for companies, starting my own business. . . and so much more. Hahaha I want to do it all. . Basically I think the reason I'm like that so much, is because I want to be free, and not tied down, since I've been living my whole life caged/trapped - physically and emotionally. So I need to make up for it during the rest of my life. . especially while Im young. Like, I get so emotional sometimes, and so sad/depressed that I never had a good time as a kid, and I'm still not being able to be a kid, and I had to grow up emotionally like, when I was 14 or 15. Before that, I never even realized how fucked up they are. I remember when she'd make me cry and say really twisted shit to me like, when I was 10 years old. . and I thought being told things like, "It isn't worth the gas to drive you to band practice every day so you can't do it" and "You're never going to do anything in life without my approval" and "I'm a hoarder because I love you so much that I bought all these things for you" was totally normal. Ughh. And all my friends are doing all these things without me, and like, I'll see pictures on facebook, and. . I dont know. . it really hurts. Like, they alllllll drive. They're all like, going everywhere - on the highway to see their friends in the next town, to all the sports games, working, getting money - everything. And every day I come home, I check my email and get excited if I get something, and I either get depressed or start to get depressed and then get myself out of it by telling myself everything'll be okay, I just have to be positive. But anyway. . so the point is it gets like, overwhelmingly, hugely, totally, dumbfoundedly, crazily depressing when I think of all I"m missing out on right now.

So, conclusion - I have to not think about any of that until I get my project done. Once I get it done, I have to make a game plan of exactly what I'm going to do and how I'm going to do it, to get more freedom and get the fuck out of their twisted hell house and not go through mental torture - at least not every single day. I have to ease myself into being a kid, and try to be around normal people as much as possible so I learn how they live and how to be accepted the way I want to be. I could use all my friends as practice, and once I go to college, I could be a totally new person and act like none of this ever happened and be equal to everyone else. It's all gonna get better soon.

Speaking of things getting better, I GOT THEM TO SAY YES TO DRIVER'S ED!!!! I had to sit through half an hour of hell - screaming, then crying, then screaming again, then normal, then screaming - in order to get it out of them, but I did!!! The "agreement" with my dad was that I could get my license - I just can't drive. . . but like I fuckin care about the not being able to drive part!?! Once I have my license in my hand, I could conquer the world!! Hahaha. No but seriously - I have an ID to make my own bank account, and for whatever else I need an ID for, AND once I have the money, all I have to do is sneak buying a car and car insurance and I'm home free!!

I need prayers/support now more than ever - for love, peace, and freedom. Honestly, I feel like I need a miracle to happen. . I'm not put together at all. Maybe I just need sleep right now. . life can wait till tomorrow. Ugh I feel nauseous. . It'll be over soon. And Im gonna fly.