Today I watched a movie at my neighbor's house cause I had to get the heck out of here. The screaming and her depression were really bad today. For now it's mostly at him. She called him (among other things) a "useless bastard" cause he didn't bring her juice fast enough. He took it this time. . didn't scream back. I just wish he knew that it didn't have to be like this. But he doesn't. . he won't. I know that's not going to change. His mind and heart aren't open. . . I don't think they ever will be.
Anyway. . the movie was called "The Pact" (the story was by Jodi Piccolt). True story. Two families were best friends and neighbors. One family had a son. . the other family had a daughter. They fell in love. She got depressed. . . they made a pact to commit suicide. . . he played along because he knew he was the only one who could stop her from doing it. She killed herself, he didn't kill himself.
While I was watching it, I thought. . why would she ever want to do something like that? She was beautiful. . . They both had beautiful houses. . . green grass. . . good parents. And so much love. What I would call a good life.
Then I thought. . . no matter what I think, I can't judge her. I can't judge them. I can't judge the girl sitting next to me in chem class, or even my best friend. My best friend Jesse thought he knew me since we met in 6th grade. He knew my parents weren't the best, but he didn't know anything else till I told him about a month ago. He always wanted me to come over and chill. . but I just said that I don't get out much. . he didn't think twice about it. Maybe someone starving right now on the street would think my life is beautiful. . but he doesn't have the same exact experiences, memories, and life to judge me.
We all have our secrets. Most of us are broken inside. . whether we want to admit it or not. Whether it was your first love, who broke your heart and left you on the side of the road, or whether it was an abusive parent, or whether you were depressed, or whether you grew up poor, or whether you grew up "rich" and your parents expected you to be their perfect miracle and no matter how hard you tried, you never could be. We all have our own story.
Well, this is my story. My name is Lance, and I am beautiful.
I'm not always right, and most of the time I'm probably a total hypocrite, but I say what I think. I say how I feel, and I tell my story.
And no matter what, I know I'm beautiful. And so are you. And so is the girl who takes the train with you to work every morning. And so is the homeless person you passed on the street. And so is the guy in the black suit with the black briefcase you see walking by. And so are my brother and my sister.
I can't say my parents are beautiful. But I do think there's good in both of them. . I think there's good in every human being on this planet. And that good, no matter how big or small it is, or whether we decide to show it or not - it's beautiful. We shouldn't judge each other on how much good God blessed us with, but we should love each other for it, and know that we can always change the amount of good we have in us - we just can't ever be completely evil or completely good, no matter how much we want to be.
And no matter what, we can't ever give up. Emily's probably looking down on me typing this right now, and wishing she didn't.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ER2dWQWvgXE
http://www.youtube.com/user/Pepitepi#p/u/72/7jnrx0ptJI0
Mom. . . I know you're out there somewhere. And I know you love me. And I really need you right now. I need you to show me how to trust you, and how to let myself go, and forget. I need you to truly not want anything but for me to be happy. I need you to be there to talk to. . . and I need you to be my friend. . . someone normal to hang out with. I need you to let me be free to be who I want to be. I'm done with the emotional chains, and the locks, and the alarms. I need you to never talk about her again, because I'm not her son. I'm yours.
Please hold on. Soon you won't be broken. You're always gonna be beautiful.
Sometimes, I think I need an angel.
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