It's so cold right now. Seriously, it must be like, 50 degrees. . . usually it's at least around 56 or 57 at night. I can't feel my nose or my feet or my hands, and I'm using those air activated handwarmers that you shake, and it gets warm. My hands are so cold that they suck the heat out of the handwarmers so they feel pretty cold too. I also have electric handwarmers that you plug in your USB. . those get really hot which is good. But they're like, tiny one by two inch squares. . haha. . so they can't heat much. But it's better than nothing, right?
I walked outside today, then I walked back in. . you could barely feel the difference. . haha. The high for today was like, 30 somethin degrees. Right now Im trying to get some work done, but all day it's been freeezzzing. . . that's like one of the only things I completely can't stand. But anyway. . whatever. It is the way it is. . . Just gotta deal.
So, I didn't work on the big project at all today. . . today my goal was just to get everything else done so I didn't have to worry about it, and have a clear mind when I needed to do the project. . . I didn't even make the goal, so far. . but I'm going to before I go to sleep.
Honestly, right now I feel like just saying, fuck everything, I don't care. Because. . I don't even know why. I just feel so, so lost. I don't get how sometimes I have hope and I'm totally gung-ho, and I'm like, I can do anything. . and other times I feel lost and broken. . and other times I just want to be held. . . and other times, (like right now) I feel like I'm being totally negative and depressing, and other times I feel like I have things to look forward to. . . and other times I think that I'm going to do all these things and make all these dreams come true and I'm going to be on Oprah and I'm going to get out of here before I'm 18. . and other times I just want to play it safe, because I'm scared. I don't know what I want, I don't know what's best, and I'm so confused. I just feel like I'm in a total fog right now. . with all these words flying around me. . trapped. . confused. . scared. . . lost. . . positive. . . love. . . keep going. . . fake. . real. . . peace. . freedom. . safe. . . And I don't know what I want, or what any of this means, or why I'm here. All I know is, I want to be out of this fog. I want to be in control of my own life. I don't want to be screamed at. I want it to be warm, and I want to be comfortable, and I want to fit in, and I want to be a kid. And I want love. I feel like I've done everything I could to get out of this. . . chaos. I feel like I'm drowning, and I need someone to dive in and save me. I want to be saved. . and once I can breathe again and Im free, I know I'll be all right. I'm not spending another winter here. And I'm not going to be isolated anymore.
God, I need you to show me a way to make things better, and give me the strength and courage to do it. To do everything I've been saying all along about following your dreams even when they seem impossible. And I need you to give me a good mom and a new family . . . and I need to see them and be with them in real life. I think you meant for my life to amount to something at least more than hiding my shampoo and my cell phone in my printer, and not being able to feel my hands, and feeling like I'm going crazy every day because I don't know what I could do to be free from this house and these chains. I think you meant for there to be love. . and I think you want me to be with my friends. . . and have a home. . . and touch the sky. Or am I just an experiment to see how long a dude can survive before he breaks? Because God, I can barely control what I say anymore. I can barely express what I want to say anymore, because of all of these thoughts whizzing around in my head like mosquitoes. I can barely pretend, and control myself when she screams at me anymore. I can barely slap that smile on my face anymore. You're killing me. Do you realize that you're killing me? Do you want me to be screwed up for the rest of my life? Do you want me to turn into them? Because this is exactly how she got screwed up. . . if her "story" is even true. You made me. You know my personality. You know how free I am. . how happy I am. . how carefree I am. . . how smart I am. . . how loving I am. . . how much fun I can be. . how much of a kid I am inside. So why are you putting me in an environment that's the exact opposite? I never did anything bad, and I never want to do anything bad, or anything to deserve this. I just want to do good for the world, and to have fun and be free and be a kid. And I'm never going to take the little things for granted. . or the big things. . or anything.
I don't know. I gotta go to sleep.
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