Midterms are over!! I didn't do great on most of them. . I got like, a C in spanish, B+ in math, C in chemistry, B+ in english, and a 650 on my math SAT Prep class final ( out of 800 ). But, it was hard. . .I didn't get a lot of time to study, and I was depressed, and things were retarded. They still are, but Im just gonna have to do whatever I can next semester.
I found out that the thing in my "mother"'s hand definitely is a tumor. . . it's getting removed soon, then they're going to find out if it's cancerous or not. And, to be completely honest, I don't care. I'm not going to pretend to you guys. I don't care. . . I've tried to forgive her before, and every time I try, I have all these flashbacks. 100 scenes of screaming play out one by one, and I still remember what she said in each of them. And then I think about all the things I know she's still going to do to me. Stuff stays with you. . no matter how hard you try to shake it off. And in order to forget at least some of it, it's going to take years and years. In order to be the person I truly am inside. . . forget about all they did to me, all the secrets, all the little things I do now to protect myself from them. . . it's going to take years.
If it is cancer, she's just going to get crazier and crazier until she dies. Angrier and angrier, and even more depressed. If it's not cancer, she's just going to keep doing what she's doing. . Wasting away in her chair, staring out the window. . . burying herself in garbage. I honestly don't know which is worse. I don't know which option is better for me, either. But I'm not going to pray for her to die, or to live. I'm just gonna try not to think about it, and leave it up to God. I just want to be safe, free, and find love, somewhere in the world. God. . I need a therapist. . haha. It's so. . . sickening, I guess is the word, to think about this stuff. I'm so unbalanced, and I'm living in my fantasy world, and I don't know what to do, or who I am, or what I want. Whatever. . . (and I just say whatever to things that are annoying). . seriously. . this is like mental health suicide.
Good news is, it's getting warmer!! It's been around 40 out. . I hope it doesn't go back down to freezing, or like, zero degrees like it was in december and some of january. Maybe I'll start running again, and working out. But I'll have to keep that a secret too. She doesn't like it when I work out because it's an "unproductive waste of calories, and I'M the one buying the food around here, and if you're burning calories, you'll eat more.". . . haha, yeah right lady. It's called, healthy people work out, and I'M the one buying 90% of my own food, because your food ranges in expiration dates from 2005 (the frozen turkey in the basement freezer) to 2009. But of course, I can't tell her that either or I'd have my room ransacked again to find "clues to my insanity", be screamed at for maybe an hour, have my "father" come after me with his fists and threats, and, probably be locked out again for a few hours.
Almost forgot to tell you guys. . Jen's (my sis) coming tomorrow!!! She didn't tell them she was, so hopefully she'll just come down the driveway, say she's taking me for a few hours, and leave. Yes, they'll hit the ceiling when I come back, but I'll just leave. . like always. I don't care if they try to lock me in. Let all the alarms in the world go off. . . lock the door and throw away the key. . . I find ways to get out.
I'm gonna get out of this. I will be safe. We all control our own thoughts and actions, and no one can take that away from us. I'm free in my own mind to dream of the world I'm going to have when my body's free. I'm going to be normal, and I really will have it all. . and give what I have to the world.
Here are some songs that have always helped me:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhYz4_-wp0I
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I-G8IfjPAII
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