So, this week, dad has been really trying to be nice, which was totally amazing. He fought against her for me, twice, and he said I love you before I left for school. Which totally blew my mind. She's still the same. . still crazy. . she cried/screamed to me today for the ten millionth time about how I was such a "terrible son" and "made so many mistakes" and all the bullshit, but it really didn't even affect me because all I could do was think about how my dad actually looked up from his computer and stocks and all he does to distract himself from her, and told me he loves me. Oh. . and then today she also blamed her hernea on me. . . she said it was because I was the only one she had a C-section for, and if she hadn't had me she wouldn't have it, and wouldn't have to deal with my "selfish" personality. Call me selfish. . all I want is a warm house without hoards of boxes everywhere. . I don't want to be buried alive, and I want there to be lights on, and a good mom who isn't a psycho, who loves me, which every kid deserves.
But anyway. . maybe she'll be gone soon. She had a tumor in her chest. . got it removed. Then they found a tumor in her hand. Still has to get it removed. They don't know yet if it's cancerous. . .And she has a hernea. . so, she's fallin apart. I keep praying that she'll get better mentally, which is the hardest thing in the world to do, after all she's done to me. . all they both have done to me. But you're supposed to love your enemy or whatever. . . so hopefully God remembers this when I die. . haha : ). I don't love her. . I can't. She's not a mom, and she's not a person. . she's a monster. But I'm just trying to like, remove myself from the situation, which I've gotten really good at. . and if I look at it like a third person from the outside, it's easier to wish she'd get better, for my sake.
I hope either she realizes how awesome life can be and starts getting out of her crazy. . state. . . - going out of the house more than once a month, making some friends, driving, being a normal person - cause otherwise, she'd be better off if she died sooner than later. It would put her out of her misery. But whatever. . it's in God's hands, not mine. All I care about is getting outta here.
So, I'm still getting the feeling that I'm not getting anywhere. . that time isn't moving. I'm getting it harder than ever. I started looking at used cars online. . even though I know I won't be able to buy one until I get out of the house in a couple years. . (and even then I'll have to keep it a secret from them). . . I don't know, it just makes me feel a little better to know that soon one of those cars'll be mine. I'll be able to go wherever I want, I won't be trapped, I won't be locked in the house anymore, and I'll have something that's actually mine. Even if the worst happens . . even if they kick me out for good, at least I'll have my own car in my name that they can't take away. . . I'll have somewhere to sleep, and I won't be on the street. I don't know why. . being on the street is one of the biggest things I'm afraid of. No doubt I'd survive. . I've been on the street before for a night a couple times when they've locked me out. . . but it'd just be. . . scary. It's hard to explain. . . you have nowhere to go and you feel lost. All you want is to be held. Kinda like that. But whatever. . that won't happen again.
So, to make myself feel better. . feel like time is moving, I'm going to try to make every day a little different. . . I'll fight them some more about going to see my friends. Or I'll go for more "walks". . . I have a lot of friends around here . . like, within walking distance. . . so I can chill with them. Maybe I'll start the book I've always wanted to write about my parents. . . I think it's going to be called "The Biker Kid". Cause I always used to bike to get away from them before I got a flat tire. Still workin on getting it fixed. . haha : ). One of the things I did to make myself feel better is, I looked up tons of quotes on hope and love and courage and strength and posted them on my facebook. I went from being killer depressed to confident and strong again. . . and I really like all of em. As a whole, they kind of show how life is a big picture. . . how you gotta keep trying, how you can't give up. Here are some of my favorites:
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”
“Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen.”
Some see a hopeless end, while others see an endless hope.
If one truly has lost hope, one would not be on hand to say so.
Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic.
When the world says, "Give up," Hope whispers, "Try it one more time."
I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge -- myth is more potent than history -- dreams are more powerful than facts -- hope always triumphs over experience -- laughter is the cure for grief -- love is stronger than death.
Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.
“For an instant, love can transform the world.”
“Hope is not a dream but a way of making dreams become reality.”
“Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.”
“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
“Perhaps they are not stars, but rather openings in heaven where the love of our lost ones pours through and shines down upon us to let us know they are happy.”
“Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.”
Being strong is actually kinda cool. Nothing can get in my way and I could be whoever I want to be in order to get what I want. . or I can just be myself whenever I feel like it. . haha : ) And I have love . . which is most important. I'm so glad that from being here, I learned that you can't just sit there all your life crying, like she does. You can do anything you want. You can change the world. . help people. You can make things better, and you can make miracles happen. You just gotta believe you can. Like, truly believe. And once you see that, you can do anything.
Where to start? Laugh. For absolutely no reason. Who cares who hears you. . who cares where the screaming's coming from or what people are going to think of you. Just laugh. Sing. Dance. Party with your half-broken earbuds and your music. Think of tomorrow. Think of all the good things that have ever happened to you. . all the good times you've had. . .and you can't say there haven't been any.
Wow . . writing makes me feel better. So glad I got all the bad stuff off my chest, and reminded myself of the good stuff.
So anyway, so like I said I'm going to make more of an effort to get out and have fun . . start sneaking out again if I have to (I don't know why. . but in december I kind of just stopped breaking all their "rules" because I was tired of fighting so hard for good food and toothpaste and good clothes and seeing friends). But I feel like now I have the strength to start fighting again, and winning. . getting what I need. Working my way up to freedom, success, happiness, and love : )
Almost forgot - this is dedicated to all the people in Haiti:
Our Father, who Art in Heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name
Thy Kingdom Come;
Thy Will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses;
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But Deliver us from evil. Amen.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace,
The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women,
and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
Pray for us sinners,
Now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
Glory Be to the Father,
Glory Be to the Son,
Glory Be to the Holy Spirit.
As it was in the Beginning,
Is now and ever shall be,
World without end. Amen.
God, please watch over all the victims of Haiti. Keep them safe and hold them in Your Arms. Help them see the light, the love, and the laughter, and show them that all isn't lost. Help them overcome their losses and hardships, and look to the future, and all the opportunities I know You'll give them. Love them and give them Your grace and the protection of all your Angels. . and help them love each other, even when it's hardest. Watch over anyone, in Haiti, in Iraq and around the world, who are alone, or who need hope or love. Show them what you showed me. Amen.
Aight. . I seriously need to catch some z's. Everyone, pray for the people from Haiti. Pray for my parents, pray for me, pray for love, pray that one day I find a good mom. . I'm prayin for all you guys. Things are definitely going to get better. I promise : )
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