4/24/10

Wow. So, I just spent a week at my brother's apartment (not perfect, but a lot better than here) and I have some new things to say.

So, I just read some of my blog, and I realized that in the past few weeks I've been slipping a little bit. Grades wise, sanity wise, emotionally wise. . just in a lot of ways. Some of what I wrote in my blog didn't make sense, or it was weird. I guess when you live in a crazy house, you go a little crazy sometimes yourself. But I got to sleep all through the night while I was at his place, and I got good food and it was comfortable and I got to relax and chill. . so, I feel a lot better now.

My blog has been crazy to say the least. It's all over the place, I guess because my life is all over the place and here is where I let things out, no matter how messed up they are, or how crazy or weird.

I also realized that within myself, there's a lot of different people. There's the person I turn into when I walk in the door of this house, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to friends, there's the person I turn into when I'm talking to adults, and then there's other personalities that I can't really describe. I think a small part of me is living on a totally different planet. That part of me is living in my fantasy world where everything's okay and I'm safe and happy and everything's how I want it. Then I also have a badass personality. And I also have a survivor mode/personality that just focuses on staying alive and passing time.

When I write in this blog, I feel like all my personalities are fighting to show themselves in what I say, and a lot of times everything comes out jumbled, but sometimes I see myself (at least who I think "myself" is) in what I say, if that makes sense.

I think most of the personalities I have are necessary. Who I am when I'm dealing with my parents is necessary to make them not go crazy, and some other personalities are defense mechanisms, like the fantasy one. I'm creating my own world to live in to help myself believe that I'm okay, and I'm in a stable environment. I think what I need to do is, even though I still have to have different personalities to survive, I have to recognize them more, and realize that not all of them are reality, and try to bring myself down to earth instead of floating in the clouds all the time. I also have to expand my horizons and try to be more balanced, even with the limitations of living here and dealing with them.

Okay. . . I guess that's all for tonight. Some of these things were kind of a wake up call and hopefully I can use them to power through the rest of the school year. I definitely think I'm going to get therapy once I have a job and a steady income, even if I think I have it all sorted out on my own. The good news is, it's almost the end of the school year so some of the stress'll be gone. I just have to make sure I see enough friends this summer and I don't let myself get isolated from everyone by my parents. I'm gonna be okay, I'm gonna stay strong, I'm gonna keep my grades up, I'm gonna keep it real, and hopefully I'm gonna find someone that loves me.