She's been screaming a lot the past week. . . mostly at him. One time she woke me up at 2 AM. . screaming (this time from her room - she hasn't come in my room in the middle of the night at all this week). . . all I could hear her say is, "I'M THE ONE!!" over and over. I can't feel my feet, or my hands, or the tip of my nose. I want to be cuddled. . and I want to know that I'm gonna be okay. I'm scared, and I don't want to be here anymore. I can't stay here. . something has to happen. I can't do this on my own anymore.
It's A Wonderful Life is on right now. . . brings back memories.
What if I'd never been born. . . hmm. . .
I wouldn't have my friends. I wouldn't have God. . . well, maybe I would. I don't know what it was like before I was born. I wouldn't have my sister. I love her soo much. I wouldn't be able to see the beautiful world I'm in. Who the fuck am I kidding. I'm miserable, and this is pathetic. It's freezing cold and windy. It's dark. I'm scared. I'd rather be in heaven. In paradise. With all the love in the universe. This is so fucked up.
Okay. No. I'm here for a reason. I'm here to do something. God's gonna get me through it, however He does. . and He'll make sure I have love. Just like he did for George Bailey. My guardian angel's watchin over me. All the saints, all the angels. I'm gonna be so safe. . . In the arms of the angels. I'm gonna be warm. Gonna be free. Gonna have all I ever wanted. . . I will. I'm gonna see the world. I won't be in this room anymore. I'm gonna make a difference and change it all and have the time of my life. Everything's gonna fall into place. I won't have to make myself feel better anymore. Everything'll be beautiful. It won't be twisted anymore.
I'm going to have a mom. I'll find her one day. I'll find myself. Everything'll straighten out in time and there'll be no more questions. . I won't be scared. . there'll be no more pain. Maybe this Christmas a miracle'll happen.
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